Dr. Kim Blackham

Intensive Marriage Therapy

How the Most Common Marriage Advice May be the Worst

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Maybe it was at a bridal shower or your wedding reception, or maybe it was written within a congratulation card from an old neighbor or during a heart to heart conversation with your grandmother before the big day, but I’m guessing that somewhere along the line, you were told that the key to a successful marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

I think that is the most common marriage advice and at the same time, one of the worst.

Anyone who has been in a relationship long enough has had one of those late nights where the discussion is dragging on, feelings have been hurt, and the resolution feels nowhere in sight.  Continue Reading

How Love Languages Really Impact Your Relationship

by Dr. Kim Blackham

In 2009, Gary Chapman coined the phrase, “Love Languages” with the publication of his book, “The Five Love Languages.”

A love language is a way someone hears and interprets love.

Just like a verbal language in which someone understands another’s intentions, meaning, and message.

If I were to speak to my partner in Japanese, he would not understand a word I was saying.  Likewise, when we speak love to our partner in a love language they cannot interpret, most of the time, they will miss the message we are trying to convey.

Chapman suggest that there are five main love languages: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Touch, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation.  Most of us have a main love language, but we can also give and receive love in other ways.

Look at the following examples below and see which of these descriptions best fit your desire for love and affection:Continue Reading

Stop Sending Your Kids the Wrong Message

by Dr. Kim Blackham

 

Were you aware of these common mistakes you might be making with your children?  Surprisingly, many parents do these very things and don’t realize they may be emotionally hurting their kids.  In my recent interview with SheKnows Parenting, I explained some common traps that parents fall into that may be sending kids the wrong message.

“Licensed marriage and family therapist Kim Blackham says, “Parents are the filter through which kids see the world. If parents are continually judging themselves and others through harsh comments and gossip, children will not only see others the same way, but will also develop a critical and shame-filled view of themselves. When developing their own sense of worth, kids will hear their parent’s critical comments echoing in their mind — regardless of who those comments were originally directed to.” So keep it positive when you’re talking about yourself or others — if not for yourself, for your kids.”

Read the rest of the article here

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Dummies Book Review

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Dummies  Have you read Dr. Sue Johnson’s books Love Sense and Hold Me Tight, but are still looking for a clear and simple understanding of what emotionally focused therapy is about?  Then this book is for you!  Drs. Brent Bradley and Jim Furrow do an excellent job describing what connection and security in relationships looks like and how to achieve it.  Their examples and explanations are simple and straightforward.  Bradley and Furrow are two of only a handful of international trainers in Emotionally Focused Therapy.  They have trained directly with Dr. Johnson and together, have contributed significantly to the research of emotionally focused therapy.  Continue Reading

9 Surefire Ways to Sabotage Your Relationship

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Have you ever wondered what the most effective way to ruin a relationship would be?  Below are 9 simple and surefire ways to sabotage yours.

1. Criticize your partner, point out all his or her flaws, and demand that he or she fix them. This kind of interaction will certainly help things fall apart quickly.  The meaner and more cutting your tone, the better.  And don’t forget facial expressions.  Make sure they are condescending and clearly communicate your disapproval. 

2. Ignore your partner, shut him or her out, appear emotionless and totally unresponsive.  If you want to get the fights going and increase the fear and panic in your partner, this is the way to go.  Talk logically and reasonably, and make sure to stick to the facts.  Facts really don’t matter in relationships as much as the connection, so if you stick to the facts, you are sure to back the relationship into a corner where it can begin to deteriorate.Continue Reading