Dr. Kim Blackham

Intensive Marriage Therapy

Medical Marriages Q&A: Managing Schedules

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Question:

How do you get household basics (like budget decisions, kid issues, etc.) talked about and agreed upon when your spouse works 14 hours a day in residency and comes home exhausted? I want to be in unity in decision-making, but it’s tough to bombard him with things when I know he’s so exhausted. Tips?

Answer:

Thank you for submitting this question.  It is one that most medical couples struggle with.  When both of you are busy and exhausted, it can be hard to feel like you are in sync with decisions and agendas.  Often, when you do finally have time to discuss these things, one or both of you may be too tired to actually make a decision, and you realize the next day that it still isn’t resolved.  Try some of these suggestions this week and see if it makes your teamwork more effective.

Be Clear About What Support You Need

Sometimes a spouse may not realize whether you are asking for their input or if you are just giving them information.  Be specific. “I need you to help me come up with a plan for Ella’s summer camps.  I need to register tomorrow, so we need to make a decision together tonight.”

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Why Couples Fight: It’s Not About The Lemons

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Marriage experts used to assume that couples fought mostly over what I call “content issues“–the things a couple discusses during a fight, such as money, in-laws, sex, and parenting styles.  They believed that if they addressed each individual content issue, they could help the couple improve their relationship.  But addressing the content of the fights often didn’t do much to heal the relationships. New issues would crop up, and the fighting and struggle to understand each other would continue.

Now we understand that most (if not all) of the reasons why couples fight are emotional disconnections that manifest as content issues.  Not sure what that means? Take a quick minute and watch this short movie clip from The Break Up.  You’ll see the two main characters fighting pretty intensely–over lemons.  But is that really what they’re fighting about? See if you can relate! Continue Reading

Family Dinner Time When One Parent Often Works Late

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Family Dinner Time

We all know family dinner time is important, but what do you do when one spouse works late most/every night? It can be extremely frustrating to go to all the work of preparing a nice meal, only to receive a phone call saying she is not going to make it home for dinner again. Now you are left serving a nice meal to a handful of unappreciative young children that would have preferred scrambled eggs and pancakes or a peanut butter sandwich.

Related: Family Dinner Time

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Finding Fulfillment and Purpose as a Medical Spouse

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Over the last few weeks, there have been several posts on our Facebook Group – Nurturing Medical Marriages™, about how to not be resentful when medical training requires the non-physician spouse to put their life and career on hold for more than a decade.  This is such a hard situation and one that many spouses in medical marriages face.  Spouses often have to leave jobs and careers, sometimes very lucrative and promising careers, to move all over the country for training – often in places where their job specialty is not available.Continue Reading

Surviving Residency: 10 Things I Learned While My Husband was a Surgery Resident

by Dr. Kim Blackham

It’s July…Happy New Year!

I know, most people celebrate New Years in January, but for some of us, July 1st is the start of the “new year.”

See, I’m married to a doctor and my husband has been in training for the past 11 years…with two more to go.  Four years of medical school, five years of general surgery residency, two additional years of research and starting July 1st of this year, two years of surgical oncology fellowship.  Each of these “milestones” or transitions occurred in July.

This July is a big deal for us.

When we were in medical school, he initially thought he wanted to do ophthalmology or radiology, but as he progressed through his different rotations, it became increasingly obvious that neither of those were a good fit for him.  He loved surgery.  He tried to love a different specialty, but his passion as a physician was really in the operating room.Continue Reading