Marriage Archives

Oxytocin: The Chemical of Connection

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Your brain is hard-wired for connection. Social bonding is an essential part of being human. Feeling close and connected and accepted by others is not just a nice idea; it is necessary for thriving.

What triggers oxytocin release?

When we engage in socially bonding experiences such as hugging, kissing, spending time with loved ones, thinking about someone we care about, or having emotionally connected conversations, our brain produces a hormone called oxytocin.

How does oxytocin make you feel?

Often referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin can increase feelings of trust and empathy. The improved sense of trust can strengthen the emotional connection between partners, leading to a more fulfilling and satisfying marriage.

Does Your Partner Have a Frozen Heart? Relationship Lessons From Frozen

by Dr. Kim Blackham

This is the third in a three-part series of understanding EFT through the characters in Disney’s Frozen. If you missed the first article, I’d encourage you to start there. “Part 1” and then” Part 2.”

Inevitably, all of my clients want to know, “If this is normal – this pursuing and withdrawing, how do we fix it.”

The good news is that because we know how relationships go wrong, we do know how to fix it. We understand that while it may appear that we are fighting over sex, money, or in-laws, we are really caught in this negative cycle of pursuing and withdrawing and don’t know how to get out. Recognizing the cycle – to the point that each of you can own your position in it and fully understand what it is that you do – pursue or withdraw and why – is the first step in healing it.

After Anna realizes Elsa’s power to freeze and why she has stayed hidden and closed off for so many years, she chases Elsa to her “Kingdom of Isolation,” declaring her understanding and love for Elsa.Continue Reading

Does Your Partner Have a Frozen Heart? Relationship Lessons From Frozen

by Dr. Kim Blackham

This is the second in a three-part series of understanding EFT through the characters in Disney’s Frozen. If you missed the first article, I’d encourage you to start there. “Do You Wanna Build A Snowman”

After unintentionally harming Anna with her power to freeze, Elsa’s parents warn her to stop experiencing emotion, hide her power, and not let anyone see. Feeling so much shame for the power she possesses and her mistake of hurting her sister, she convinces herself:

Don’t let them in. Don’t let them see.

Be the good girl, you always have to be.

Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show

Make one wrong move and everyone will know.Continue Reading

Does Your Partner Have a Frozen Heart? Relationship Lessons From Frozen Part 1

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Have you seen Disney’s newest movie, Frozen? I just got home from the movie theater and can hardly wait to write this post. In addition to loving the music and animation, I was enthralled with the depth of human emotion and relationship insight that was depicted in the story. Sometimes Disney portrays key human experiences so clearly, there is really no reason for a more sophisticated way to teach it.

In the theater, I experienced the same story that I see over and over with couples in my office. It was a clear reflection of the hurt that so many people feel.

It was like Walt Disney meets Emotionally Focused Therapy!Continue Reading

50 Everyday Ways to be Romantic

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Pick flowers off the side of the road
SnailMail a love letter – either to home, or to work.
Create an audio love letter. Smart phones make this really easy. Either record it directly onto theirs, or record it to your own and email it to them. If you do not have smart phones, Google “free audio recording online” and there are lots of options.
Leave love notes in random places – write on the eggs in the egg carton, on the products that are rolled up (parchment paper, toilet paper, paper towels etc.) Just unroll, write message, and roll back up.
Use dry erase, wet erase, or window markers and leave love notes all over the shower stall or bathroom mirror.Continue Reading

Secure Connection Actually Rewires our Brain

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Within the last twenty years, the advances in neuroscience technology have made it possible for us to really understand how our brain and body react to certain situations. With the use of fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) machines, we can now see the brain activity in the very moment that something is happening.

This is really exciting in the field of relationships. Love is no longer the mystery is has been for centuries. We no longer have to wonder what creates secure, loving connection. We now know. We can see it on brain scans. We know what it looks like, and we know how to create it.

Once secure, our relationships with other people affect not only our emotions, but also our physical health and responses.

In this cool video, you’ll see a quick explanation of how secure connection actually rewires the brain.