Balancing My Marriage and a Scalpel: Lessons Learned as a General Surgery Resident that Kept My Medical Marriage from Exsanguinating

All bleeding stops…eventually.  So the saying goes.

Medical residency is tough–it’s physically, emotionally and intellectually exhausting.  The demands of medical training consume our time and our energy.  It’s the nature of the beast.  Add in a marriage and maybe a few kids (we have four) and finding balance between medical training and family relationships can become a daunting challenge. 

For my wife, Kim, and I, four years of medical school, seven years of general surgery residency and now two years of surgical oncology fellowship has been more difficult than I ever imagined.  Unpredictable schedules, 80-100+ hour work weeks, weeks of night float in a row, less than minimum wage—these stresses bruise, abrade, and lacerate our relationship on a consistent and persistent basis.

Tragically, as a result of residency’s demands, I’ve seen relationships exsanguinate like a shotgun blast to the IVC.  Others limp along like a slow GI bleed, fatigued by anemia but fighting on.  While in medical school, my wife and I were told countless times that our marriage would likely not survive general surgery residency.  Yet after eight years, we are not only surviving, we are thriving.  Our marriage today is stronger than ever.  It is not because we are immune or that we were never injured by the stresses of medical training.  And we certainly didn’t have it figured out from the beginning.  No, it has been a learning process.  Fortunately for us, Kim and I found ways to hold pressure, ligate arteries and stitch up lacerations.  Along the way, I’ve learned several things that kept us connected and maintained our marriage as top priority, even among the constant insults.  {Medical Marriage Tip #1}

*Editors note:  After I posted Surviving Residency: The Ten Things I Learned While My Husband was a General Surgery Resident, I received many requests to hear my husband’s perspective.  Successful marriages require the commitment and focus of both partners.  Things would have turned out very differently if Aaron did not implement these tips.

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