Did you know you can improve the way you feel just by changing the way you talk about your circumstances?
Consider the following examples from my own life:
We raised four children on a tiny income. We never had enough money for the extra things we would have liked to do. We couldn’t afford flights home to be with family for the holidays. We drove extremely old cars, shopped at thrift and consignment stores for our children’s needs, and used coupons whenever we could. My husband routinely worked 100+ hours a week, so we never saw each other. He worked most holidays and weekends, so we never celebrated Christmas on the 25th or birthdays on their actual days. Essentially I was a single parent. It was lonely, depressing, and overwhelming.
Or
During medical training we learned to live simply. We focused our priorities on the things that mattered most to us, and learned that happiness does not come from material possessions. Because we didn’t have much, we developed a deep appreciation for the things we did have. While we often didn’t have money to fly home for the holidays, we created our own family traditions. Some of our fondest memories are celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with friends from medical school and residency–people who really became our unrelated extended family. We blended extended family traditions and created our own traditions for Christmas morning that we now cherish. Because my husband often had to work holidays and weekends, we created fun ways to celebrate special events on different days. My children LOVED that Santa visited our house early because their Daddy was at the hospital taking care of sick patients and families on Christmas morning. There was also no complaining when we told them we were going to celebrate their birthday for a whole week instead of just one day so Dad could be involved in the festivities! Because my husband was gone so much, we cherished the time we were together! We protected that time and made sure we did not spend it on meaningless activities or worse yet, mad at each other. We learned to forgive quickly and reconnect so our time together was fulfilling.
See the difference? These stories are about the same time of my life–but my perspective really changes the way you feel when you read about it, doesn’t it? Changing the way you tell your story can change the feelings you have about your life, too.
So how do you change your narrative when the reality really is hard? Try the following five strategies:
1. Make a list of the things that are difficult for you right now.
I’m serious–let it out! Write it down. What are the elements of your life that are really weighing on you and bringing up negative emotions?
2. Ask yourself what good has come because of that situation.
This is the toughest step. Know that while you are looking for a silver lining, you are not dismissing the difficulty. Your challenges are real, and it is okay for you to acknowledge that. But you might find that something new and good has grown out of the hardship, too.
For example, I had a couple who was really struggling with the husband’s pornography addiction. It was devastating for both of them. One day the wife told me, “This whole situation has strengthened my relationship with God. My prayers are more sincere. My faith more absolute. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I hate that we are struggling with this. But I am grateful for my newfound spiritual growth through the process.”
3. Begin to change your narrative.
Now it’s time to write your story. It doesn’t have to be a book–just a paragraph or two like I did above. See if you can change the way you think about and process your experiences.
4. Tell your new story to someone else.
Thinking about and writing your experiences is helpful. Extremely helpful. But there is something about sharing it with someone else that moves you towards solidifying those thoughts and changes. Find someone you trust, and let them know what you are trying to do. Share your new story and ask for feedback.
5. Pay attention to how you tell your story in the future.
Now that you are more aware of your narrative, pay attention to how you talk about your struggles in the future. Again, this does not that you’re brushing the hard under the rug. I want you to be real and authentic! That is crucial to happy living. But I want you to see if you can pull some of those more positive aspects into your story, and allow them to encourage you as you move forward.
How has changing your narrative changed your life?
