Relationships Archives

50 Everyday Ways to be Romantic

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Pick flowers off the side of the road
SnailMail a love letter – either to home, or to work.
Create an audio love letter. Smart phones make this really easy. Either record it directly onto theirs, or record it to your own and email it to them. If you do not have smart phones, Google “free audio recording online” and there are lots of options.
Leave love notes in random places – write on the eggs in the egg carton, on the products that are rolled up (parchment paper, toilet paper, paper towels etc.) Just unroll, write message, and roll back up.
Use dry erase, wet erase, or window markers and leave love notes all over the shower stall or bathroom mirror.Continue Reading

The Christmas Scrooge Learns Empathy

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Each year during the Christmas season, many of us enjoy reading or watching the classic tale of “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens. While the story teaches us about the importance of generosity and not being stingy, there are deeper lessons to be learned. In my opinion, empathy is the central theme of this powerful parable.

On Christmas Eve, the ghost of Jacob Marley, Scrooge’s former business partner, visits him to warn him about the arrival of three spirits. Scrooge is curious about the heavy chains Marley wears and asks him about them. Marley explains that he is doomed to walk the earth, unable to help those in need and forced to witness their suffering. Scrooge is confused by this injustice and comments, “You were always a good man of business, Jacob.”

“Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

“Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down and never raise them . . . ?”

What follows is a powerful transformation as Ebenezer Scrooge begins to see into people’s lives and hearts.

Hold Me Tight Book Review

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Many people ask me if I can recommend a marriage book for them.

Without hesitation, the book I continually refer to is Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight.

Dr. Johnson is an international leader in the field of marriage and family therapy. Over the last 15 years, she has pioneered significant research into what creates secure, loving connection in adult love relationships–and into understanding how it goes wrong.

Hold Me Tight is different from other self-help books in that it is not just “good advice” or a gimmicky approach to understanding men and women. Rather, it is a book designed to help you understand yourself and your partner on a much deeper level.

The Shocking Reality of Online Porn

by Dr. Kim Blackham

We have all heard about, and often unintentionally encountered, online pornography. While we know it is a problem, I think it is still very surprising to see how prevalent and available it really is. While these statistics are a few years old, they paint a very informative picture as to the enormity of this industry.

In 2006, as a whole, the world-wide pornography industry (movies, phone sex, bookstores, internet, etc.) generated $97.06 billion.

That is more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Ebay, Apple, Yahoo, Netflix, and Earthlink combined. As of 2006, there were 4.2 million websites (12% of the total number of websites) containing pornography. Additionally, 42.7% of Internet users viewed porn and there were 68 million pornographic search engine requests each day.

Sex, in general, is the most frequently searched topic on the Internet

Patrick Carnes points out that “70% of internet pornography traffic occurs between nine and five” and other research indicates that one in six employees have trouble with sexual behavior online. Within the United States, the majority of Internet users are college-educated, white, married men with an average age of 37.6 years. Most alarming is that the majority of people struggling with sexual addictions and compulsivities involving the Internet are married, heterosexual males. According to a survey conducted by the Marital and Sexuality Center and MSNBC (2002), 6.5% of male Internet users reported spending nearly six hours per week engaging in cybersex.

The Secrets of Making Date Night Successful–Before and After Marriage

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to make date night successful when you’re both exhausted and have a lot going on. It can be easy to get caught up in thinking that you need to be extra creative for it to “count,” or that you have to go out and do something extravagant. But the truth is, sometimes the simplest things can be the most meaningful.

It’s worth considering why marriage therapists often recommend date nights. The best research in the field of marriage and family therapy, consistently supports that maintaining a strong connection with your partner is essential for a happy and successful marriage.

Connection, connection, connection.

Disconnection is the number one cause of divorce. What truly distinguishes couples who experience satisfaction in their relationship from those who don’t is a deep friendship and safe connection. When partners are able to truly listen to each other’s needs and desires, and respond with kindness and understanding, their bond grows stronger and more fulfilling over time. This requires both parties to be willing to put in the time and effort to understand and support each other, even when it may be difficult, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. It’s not about grand gestures or constant excitement, but rather the small moments of connection and support that build a strong foundation for a lasting friendship. Connection takes time and intention to build. Ultimately, it is this commitment to time, honesty, vulnerability, fun, and mutual respect that sets successful couples apart from those who struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships.

Connection takes contact, kindness, and consistency.

It’s true that building strong connections with others is not something that just happens by chance. We have to actively choose to invest in those relationships and then protect them as one of our most valuable assets. Because in reality, those connections are truly priceless.

Surprisingly Simple Ways to Help Children Develop Empathy

by Dr. Kim Blackham

As a parent or caregiver, teaching children about empathy can be a real challenge. It’s not a trait that comes naturally to most kids, especially in today’s society, where self-interest tends to be the norm. That’s why it’s essential to provide children with guidance and support as they learn to understand and care about the feelings of others. With time, patience, and positive reinforcement, you can help your child develop a strong sense of empathy that will serve them well throughout their lives.

The following exercises are not only fun, but also effective in helping children become more empathetic.

I Wonder

Go to a public location where you can sit and watch other people coming and going–somewhere like the airport, a mall, a park, a fair, a sporting event, etc.

Find a place to sit that is in an area of moderately heavy traffic. You want it to be busy but not crowded. Then start asking your child questions:

What do you notice about these people?
Where do you think they are going?
Can you pick out a particular person?
Tell me about them: Who are they with? Why are they here?