This is the third in a three-part series of understanding EFT through the characters in Disney’s Frozen.  If you missed the first article, I’d encourage you to start there.  “Part 1” and then” Part 2.”

Inevitably, all of my clients want to know, “If this is normal – this pursuing and withdrawing, how do we fix it.”

The good news is that because we know how relationships go wrong, we do know how to fix it.  We understand that while it may appear that we are fighting over sex, money, or in-laws, we are really caught in this negative cycle of pursuing and withdrawing and don’t know how to get out.  Recognizing the cycle – to the point that each of you can own your position in it and fully understand what it is that you do – pursue or withdraw and why – is the first step in healing it. 

After Anna realizes Elsa’s power to freeze and why she has stayed hidden and closed off for so many years, she chases Elsa to her “Kingdom of Isolation,” declaring her understanding and love for Elsa.

You don’t have to protect me, I’m not afraid

Please don’t shut me out again

Please don’t slam the door

You don’t have to keep your distance anymore

Cause for the first time in forever

I finally understand

Up until that point, Anna thought Elsa’s distance and inaccessibility was because she didn’t matter to her sister.  Now she finally understands that it was precisely because she did matter so much that Elsa pulled away.  There is healing and peace that comes from understanding why our loved ones respond in the way that they do – and that it is usually not for the reasons that we think it is. 

Elsa is still not convinced that Anna will be safe with her. 

I know you mean well

But leave me be

Yes I’m alone, but I’m alone and free

Just stay away and you’ll be safe from me. 

When Anna informs her that she has set off an eternal winter everywhere, Elsa feels intense fear at the prospect of never being free from this ability to hurt others and shame and despair that she cannot fix what she caused.  That fear sets off the chain reaction that eventually really hurts Anna.  Even though Anna understands the cycle and wants Elsa to stop pulling away from her, Elsa is still consumed with fear and an inability to connect. 

In desperation to get Anna away from her, Elsa throws icy darts and builds frozen walls to keep her away.  As her last defensive strategy, she sends a mean and hurtful snow monster to chase her away. 

When withdrawers are pushed and pushed, it is pretty common to see them retaliate in defensiveness.  One client told me, “It’s true.  She pushes and pushes me until finally, I just say something really hurtful to get her to stop.  I can’t handle the pushing any longer.”  Again, in the context of our own relationships, it is much harder to understand icy darts, frozen walls, and mean, hurtful defensive retaliations as a reaction to fear and shame.  Try and use Elsa as an example though to see that her pushing Anna away was out of love, not indifference. 

Eventually, Anna’s continually patience, warmth, and constant display of love are enough to soften Elsa and help her realize that feeling and experiencing emotion and connection with others actual makes her more in control. 

Just as it was for Elsa, accessing and feeling emotion for some of my clients is very, very difficult.  It is not because something is wrong with them, it is because there is a reason they have closed off that emotion.  It has been the way they have managed and coped.  A natural and an understandable way.  Watching Elsa, it makes sense that she did what she did.  We know why she wouldn’t open the door.  We could feel and experience why she fled to the mountain top and why she refused to let her sister get close.  We also could feel and experience how painful that was for her Anna. 

But we could also see that connection was possible – even under highly unlikely circumstances.   When we understand these negative patterns of interacting, we can change them! 

Happy endings do not just belong in Disney movies. 

Happily Ever After’s can be real! 

They are possible! 

I promise.