Marriage Archives

Does Your Relationship Have Stage 4 Cancer?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

As the wife of a cancer surgeon, I hear about cancer cases every day. The young father who found colon cancer early and is expected to make a full recovery or the grandmother who is being treated for a tiny lump found during a routine mammogram. I also hear about the patient who has a tumor the size of a watermelon in his abdomen and is coming in for the first time. He reports it has been growing for years and causing tremendous pain, but he didn’t want to worry about it. As a marriage therapist, I feel those cases are strikingly similar the ones I see in my office.

Research indicates that on average, couples live in unhappy, distressed marriages for seven years before seeking help from a therapist. By the time they come in for therapy, both partners have spent years hurting and disconnected. Continue Reading

My Marriage Tips Featured in Woman’s Day Magazine

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Tired of the same old marriage tips? Some of my suggestions were recently featured in Woman’s Day Magazine. Have you tried these before?

Hug for 2 minutes and kiss for 30 seconds each day. “Often, kisses and hugs become mechanical and quick,” says marriage and family therapist Kim Blackham. The problem: Those hurried pecks and embraces don’t offer the same feel-good benefits longer stretches of physical intimacy do. “Oxytocin, a chemical our bodies release when we touch one another, emotionally connects people,” says Blackham. No need to set a timer, says Blackham, but do extend your hugs and kisses longer than you normally would; you’ll feel a new sense of connection.

Take a walk together. If you’re trying to decide how you two should handle your daughter’s poor report card, hit the pavement. Not only will the fresh air clear your minds but also “the very act of walking in the same direction can help you two feel as though you’re on the same team and want the same result,” explains Blackham. Physically heading to one place makes you more likely to be mentally in sync; it’s like you’re standing together instead of confronting each other.

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What little things do you do that have helped keep you and your honey connected? Leave your suggestion below.

Why is it that the Harder I Try, the Worse it Gets?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

A traveler was walking alone down a country lane. The Sun and the North Wind decided to have a contest to see who could remove the traveler’s overcoat. The North Wind tried first. He blew and he blew around the traveler as fiercely as he could, trying to rip the coat from the traveler–but the traveler wrapped his coat more closely around him and held it tighter. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter the traveler hugged the coat. Then the Sun said, “Let me try,” and as she gently shone her warmth on the traveler, the traveler opened his coat, and within minutes took it off.” (Aesop Fable, recently quoted by Alison Lee, Ph.D., EFT Community News 2013)

How very like the North Wind we often are.

In our attempts to get a response from our loved ones, we often think we need to push harder and increase the intensity our efforts. We think that the harder we try, the more likely we will be to get them to understand our truest, deepest desires.

This is such a normal and frustrating feeling–especially when we feel a disconnection in our most important relationships. And it is a natural progression:

When we feel physically threatened–maybe a barking dog comes running toward us, or we hear a strange creak on the stairs at night–our minds naturally shift into one of two modes: either we leap up to fight off the danger, or we are petrified with fear.

When we feel emotionally threatened, we respond in the same way: we fight back, or we freeze and flee. The North Wind response, when we push our loved ones to respond, is our way of fighting for the relationship and the connection we so deeply crave. Continue Reading

Finding a Marriage Therapist

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Deciding to see a therapist can feel a overwhelming. Who should I see? What specialty should I look for? How will I know they are the right fit?

All of these are really good questions and I hope I can help you answer them.

The most important thing to remember in looking for a good therapist is to be a good consumer. Therapy is like any other service you buy. You are investing your time, money, and hope in the therapist’s ability to help you. Ask lots of questions. If for some reason you do not feel that the therapist is a good fit for you, it is okay to not reschedule another appointment and to keep looking for someone who does fit well for you. Below are some important things to consider and some specific questions to ask as you are speaking to therapists to find the right fit.

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How Do I Know if We Need Marriage Counseling?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

If you have ever asked yourself, “Do we need marriage counseling?” then that is a pretty good indication that you should pursue that thought.

I believe that dedicating time to improving your relationship can be beneficial for every couple. Seeking guidance from a professional marriage therapist can help you develop the best possible relationship.

Romantic relationships are one of those things that few of us receive any training in. The only knowledge we have comes from watching our parents and other couples, and our own past romantic relationships. Most of the time, those are not the best teachers.

Yet there is often a lot of hesitation and shame associated with couples counseling. We are afraid of what others will think if they find out we are seeing a marriage therapist. Or maybe there is the fear that marriage therapy won’t work. It is a big investment – in time, money, and emotional energy. “Do I really want to invest so much when I’m not sure really we need marriage counseling or that it will help?”Continue Reading

Love Sense – Book Review

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Sue Johnson has done it again! What remarkable research in the field of relationships. I think the reason I appreciate Sue’s work so much is it is not just gimmicky advice. She clearly explains, in a reader- friendly way, what the current research on love tells us. She demonstrates what we know about love and how it makes sense, and she provides real, conversational examples of couples that find their way out of disconnection to a safe and lovingly attached relationship. The examples she uses in Love Sense really are inspirational. They are just normal people, like you and me, who have found the answers and made it work.

I purchased the audio book and Audible as well as the hard copy. Some audio books are so painful to listen to, but Sue’s soothing voice made my driving kids to and fro much more pleasant. It was actually really cool – I would arrive somewhere and have her words so fresh in my mind that I found them making an instant impact. While I like the hard copy to highlight and refer back to, I would highly recommend the audio version. I think there is something really powerful about hearing her tone and expressions.

It is clear that Sue is a leader, if not THE leader in the field of Couple Relationships and that she not only knows the other research out there, but she is contributing to the current research and raising the standard of what acceptable results are in terms of creating and maintaining love.

I would recommend this to everyone who wants to understand and improve any relationship.

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