marriage retreat Archives

Does Insurance Pay for Couples’ Therapy?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Insurance coverage for couples’ therapy can vary depending on the insurance company and policy. While some insurance plans may provide coverage for couples’ therapy, it’s important to note that not all insurance plans cover this type of therapy. The best way to know what is covered under your plan is to call the number on the back of your insurance card. There are some specific questions you’ll want to ask:

1. Does my insurance plan cover marriage counseling/couples’ therapy? Some insurance companies will cover individual counseling with a family member present or will cover family therapy. Ask your insurance company if they cover couples therapy. Continue Reading

The Inside Scoop About Online Therapy

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Every week I receive several emails asking if I provide online therapy.

There are many reasons why online therapy is a good idea.

Online therapy allows people who live in small communities to reach specialists who may not live near them.
Online therapy allows people the opportunity to work with therapists who specialize in a specific population or treatment model. For example, I am a certified emotionally focused therapist who specializes in working with physician couples. If you are a physician couple looking for an EFT therapist, chances are you are going to have a hard time finding someone with those credentials who lives near you.
Those who offer online therapy may be able to offer more flexible appointment times.

Why Couples Fight: It’s Not About The Lemons

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Marriage experts used to assume that couples fought mostly over what I call “content issues“–the things a couple discusses during a fight, such as money, in-laws, sex, and parenting styles. They believed that if they addressed each individual content issue, they could help the couple improve their relationship. But addressing the content of the fights often didn’t do much to heal the relationships. New issues would crop up, and the fighting and struggle to understand each other would continue.

Now we understand that most (if not all) of the reasons why couples fight are emotional disconnections that manifest as content issues. Not sure what that means? Take a quick minute and watch this short movie clip from The Break Up. You’ll see the two main characters fighting pretty intensely–over lemons. But is that really what they’re fighting about? See if you can relate! Continue Reading

Why is it that the Harder I Try, the Worse it Gets?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

A traveler was walking alone down a country lane. The Sun and the North Wind decided to have a contest to see who could remove the traveler’s overcoat. The North Wind tried first. He blew and he blew around the traveler as fiercely as he could, trying to rip the coat from the traveler–but the traveler wrapped his coat more closely around him and held it tighter. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter the traveler hugged the coat. Then the Sun said, “Let me try,” and as she gently shone her warmth on the traveler, the traveler opened his coat, and within minutes took it off.” (Aesop Fable, recently quoted by Alison Lee, Ph.D., EFT Community News 2013)

How very like the North Wind we often are.

In our attempts to get a response from our loved ones, we often think we need to push harder and increase the intensity our efforts. We think that the harder we try, the more likely we will be to get them to understand our truest, deepest desires.

This is such a normal and frustrating feeling–especially when we feel a disconnection in our most important relationships. And it is a natural progression:

When we feel physically threatened–maybe a barking dog comes running toward us, or we hear a strange creak on the stairs at night–our minds naturally shift into one of two modes: either we leap up to fight off the danger, or we are petrified with fear.

When we feel emotionally threatened, we respond in the same way: we fight back, or we freeze and flee. The North Wind response, when we push our loved ones to respond, is our way of fighting for the relationship and the connection we so deeply crave. Continue Reading

The Secrets of Making Date Night Successful–Before and After Marriage

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to make date night successful when you’re both exhausted and have a lot going on. It can be easy to get caught up in thinking that you need to be extra creative for it to “count,” or that you have to go out and do something extravagant. But the truth is, sometimes the simplest things can be the most meaningful.

It’s worth considering why marriage therapists often recommend date nights. The best research in the field of marriage and family therapy, consistently supports that maintaining a strong connection with your partner is essential for a happy and successful marriage.

Connection, connection, connection.

Disconnection is the number one cause of divorce. What truly distinguishes couples who experience satisfaction in their relationship from those who don’t is a deep friendship and safe connection. When partners are able to truly listen to each other’s needs and desires, and respond with kindness and understanding, their bond grows stronger and more fulfilling over time. This requires both parties to be willing to put in the time and effort to understand and support each other, even when it may be difficult, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. It’s not about grand gestures or constant excitement, but rather the small moments of connection and support that build a strong foundation for a lasting friendship. Connection takes time and intention to build. Ultimately, it is this commitment to time, honesty, vulnerability, fun, and mutual respect that sets successful couples apart from those who struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships.

Connection takes contact, kindness, and consistency.

It’s true that building strong connections with others is not something that just happens by chance. We have to actively choose to invest in those relationships and then protect them as one of our most valuable assets. Because in reality, those connections are truly priceless.