Family Archives

Everyday Family Traditions: Simple Solutions to Strong Families

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Everyday rituals and family traditions such as walking the dog together when you both get home from work, Saturday morning chores, and bedtime routines are all opportunities to build and strengthen family relationships. Time set aside for these daily family traditions and rituals provides a sense of continuity and predictability – without which, families often experience a sense of chaos. You are probably already doing a lot of these and not considering them as traditions and rituals. For example, allowing kids to help you bake, gathering together to bathe the dog, or game night every Sunday after dinner may seem inconsequential, but actually, have a strong impact on your family. Continue Reading

Why Couples Fight: It’s Not About The Lemons

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Marriage experts used to assume that couples fought mostly over what I call “content issues“–the things a couple discusses during a fight, such as money, in-laws, sex, and parenting styles. They believed that if they addressed each individual content issue, they could help the couple improve their relationship. But addressing the content of the fights often didn’t do much to heal the relationships. New issues would crop up, and the fighting and struggle to understand each other would continue.

Now we understand that most (if not all) of the reasons why couples fight are emotional disconnections that manifest as content issues. Not sure what that means? Take a quick minute and watch this short movie clip from The Break Up. You’ll see the two main characters fighting pretty intensely–over lemons. But is that really what they’re fighting about? See if you can relate! Continue Reading

Family Dinner Time When One Parent Often Works Late

by Dr. Kim Blackham

We all know family dinner time is important, but what do you do when one spouse works late most/every night? It can be extremely frustrating to go to all the work of preparing a nice meal, only to receive a phone call saying she is not going to make it home for dinner again. Now you are left serving a nice meal to a handful of unappreciative young children that would have preferred scrambled eggs and pancakes or a peanut butter sandwich.

Related: Family Dinner Time

Successful Family Meal Time: Why it may be your Key to a Thriving Family

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Let’s be honest, on a day-to-day basis, the idea of family dinner night can seem overwhelming. It can feel like an impossible feat to prepare a meal that everyone will eat – let alone appreciate. By the time all the kids are corralled and present at the table, somehow utensils turn into weapons and everyone begins fighting over the “favorite bowl.” It doesn’t take long before one sibling is shrieking, “He’s smelling my food!” while another child demands it is his night to say the prayer.

That’s when I give my husband the “Family dinner is highly overrated” look.Continue Reading

Family Traditions: Do They Really Matter?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

I often hear that one of the biggest hang-ups with family traditions is that they are just one more thing to do. We are already tired and stretched so thin, how are we supposed to manage another thing?

Do you ever experience that same feeling? The time comes for you to implement a tradition that was started years ago – that you didn’t even mean to start as a tradition, but now is expected and feels like a lot of work? Do you ever sit back and wonder if traditions are worth all the effort?

I have found three things helpful in keeping traditions a part of our family.Continue Reading

Why is it that the Harder I Try, the Worse it Gets?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

A traveler was walking alone down a country lane. The Sun and the North Wind decided to have a contest to see who could remove the traveler’s overcoat. The North Wind tried first. He blew and he blew around the traveler as fiercely as he could, trying to rip the coat from the traveler–but the traveler wrapped his coat more closely around him and held it tighter. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter the traveler hugged the coat. Then the Sun said, “Let me try,” and as she gently shone her warmth on the traveler, the traveler opened his coat, and within minutes took it off.” (Aesop Fable, recently quoted by Alison Lee, Ph.D., EFT Community News 2013)

How very like the North Wind we often are.

In our attempts to get a response from our loved ones, we often think we need to push harder and increase the intensity our efforts. We think that the harder we try, the more likely we will be to get them to understand our truest, deepest desires.

This is such a normal and frustrating feeling–especially when we feel a disconnection in our most important relationships. And it is a natural progression:

When we feel physically threatened–maybe a barking dog comes running toward us, or we hear a strange creak on the stairs at night–our minds naturally shift into one of two modes: either we leap up to fight off the danger, or we are petrified with fear.

When we feel emotionally threatened, we respond in the same way: we fight back, or we freeze and flee. The North Wind response, when we push our loved ones to respond, is our way of fighting for the relationship and the connection we so deeply crave. Continue Reading