Dr. Kim Blackham

Intensive Marriage Therapy

7 Ways to Make Your Spouse’s Birthday Special

by Dr. Kim Blackham

1. Send your mother-in-law flowers on your spouse’s birthday.

Regardless of the relationship you have with your mother-in-law, she will always be your spouse’s mom.  She will always be the one who held them when they were sad, ran them around to school and activities, made them dinner, and kept them safe.  For that, you can be grateful.  Showing appreciation for her and her sacrifice is a great way to tell your spouse “Happy Birthday.”

2. Message your sweetheart frequently throughout the day

In the age of technology, it is so easy to stay connected.  Send your spouse text messages every hour, email old pictures of the two of you together, and post on his or her Facebook timeline.  Share memories, inside jokes, and the reasons you are glad you are together.

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Safe Cell Phone and Tablet Use

by Dr. Kim Blackham

It is so cool that we have access to smart phones and tablets.  I love my iPhone and iPad and use them both every day.  In fact, I, like most of you, am not sure what I would do without my iPhone!

But–especially for parents–these devices often come with extra concerns.  Today I’d like to share several things you can do to keep yourself and your family safe while using them.

Change Protective Settings

Did you know you can turn off the internet on your smart phone?

Apple Device users, click here to learn how to turn off the internet and FaceTime, and how to set rating restrictions for music, movies, TV shows and apps.

My recommendation is to disable your web browsers (Safari, Chrome, etc.), disable YouTube, and disable the ability to install apps before handing your device to a child.

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Hold Me Tight Book Review

by Dr. Kim Blackham

hold_me_tight

Many people ask me if I can recommend a marriage book for them.

Without hesitation, the book I continually refer to is Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight. 

Dr. Johnson is an international leader in the field of marriage and family therapy.  Over the last 15 years, she has pioneered significant research into what creates secure, loving connection in adult love relationships–and into understanding how it goes wrong.

Hold Me Tight is different from other self-help books in that it is not just “good advice” or a gimmicky approach to understanding men and women.  Rather, it is a book designed to help you understand yourself and your partner on a much deeper level.

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How to Help Your Anxious Child

by Dr. Kim Blackham

How to help anxious child

Sad little child, boy, hugging his mother at home, isolated image, copy space. Family concept

Its normal for children to have some anxieties–the world is big, and many experiences are new and untested. Many kids are afraid of the dark, worried about shots at the doctor’s office, have a fear of being left alone, or feel anxious about an upcoming test. But what do you do when your child’s anxieties seem to be taking over his or her entire sense of well-being? 

Below are 6 suggestions to help you teach your children to manage the worries and concerns in their life. 

1. Encourage them to view their worries and concerns as separate from themselves. 

If children can separate themselves from their anxieties, it will be easier for them to understand and manage them.  Help your child understand that worries and anxieties are normal–we all have them!–but that we get to decide which worries and concerns we are going to allow. 

2.  Explain that worries and concerns can have a very real impact on us physically as well as emotionally. 

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The Shocking Reality of Online Porn

by Dr. Kim Blackham

young boy computer

We have all heard about, and often unintentionally encountered, online pornography.  While we know it is a problem, I think it is still very surprising to see how prevalent and available it really is.  While these statistics are a few years old, they paint a very informative picture as to the enormity of this industry.

In 2006, as a whole, the world-wide pornography industry (movies, phone sex, bookstores, internet, etc.) generated $97.06 billion.

That is more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Ebay, Apple, Yahoo, Netflix, and Earthlink combined.  As of 2006, there were 4.2 million websites (12% of the total number of websites) containing pornography.  Additionally, 42.7% of Internet users viewed porn and there were 68 million pornographic search engine requests each day.

Sex, in general, is the most frequently searched topic on the Internet

Patrick Carnes points out that “70% of internet pornography traffic occurs between nine and five” and other research indicates that one in six employees have trouble with sexual behavior online.  Within the United States, the majority of Internet users are college-educated, white, married men with an average age of 37.6 years.  Most alarming is that the majority of people struggling with sexual addictions and compulsivities involving the Internet are married, heterosexual males.  According to a survey conducted by the Marital and Sexuality Center and MSNBC (2002), 6.5% of male Internet users reported spending nearly six hours per week engaging in cybersex.

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The Still Face

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Watch what happens for this baby when she does not get a response out of her mother:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeHcsFqK7So

Does this feel familiar to you?

Are you ever met with a still face, a blank expression, a seemingly indifferent or cold look?

Have you ever found yourself going to great lengths just to get your partner’s attention?  It’s interesting that the baby initially starts softly, even invitingly. She smiles, she points. She tries to engage her mother in kind, loving ways. But when she cannot get a response from the mother, she gets increasingly distressed. That is a very common response–not only in children but in all people throughout their lifespan. This response is not unique to babies, but rather a common trait that follows us throughout our lives. We all have an innate need for attention and validation from others. It’s important to remember that this distress is a natural response, just like the withdrawal response we discussed earlier.

It’s interesting to note that individuals who tend to react more strongly in emotionally charged situations are often referred to as “pursuers.” These partners become increasingly distressed and visibly upset when they feel disconnected from their loved one. They may initially try to connect in a gentle and inviting manner, but if they don’t receive a response, they may become more demanding, critical, or even blaming in their pursuit of reassurance. 

What happens for you when you see this baby?  Can you relate to her experience?