Advice for the Stepmother of the Bride
Weddings bring all sorts of emotions to the surface, and not always pleasant ones. Blended families can be especially difficult for everyone to know how to navigate these potentially tenuous waters. Check out this PBS article for some advice I have for the stepmother of the bride.
Why is it that the Harder I Try, the Worse it Gets?
A traveler was walking alone down a country lane. The Sun and the North Wind decided to have a contest to see who could remove the traveler’s overcoat. The North Wind tried first. He blew and he blew around the traveler as fiercely as he could, trying to rip the coat from the traveler–but the traveler wrapped his coat more closely around him and held it tighter. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter the traveler hugged the coat. Then the Sun said, “Let me try,” and as she gently shone her warmth on the traveler, the traveler opened his coat, and within minutes took it off.” (Aesop Fable, recently quoted by Alison Lee, Ph.D., EFT Community News 2013)
How very like the North Wind we often are.
In our attempts to get a response from our loved ones, we often think we need to push harder and increase the intensity our efforts. We think that the harder we try, the more likely we will be to get them to understand our truest, deepest desires.
This is such a normal and frustrating feeling–especially when we feel a disconnection in our most important relationships. And it is a natural progression:
When we feel physically threatened–maybe a barking dog comes running toward us, or we hear a strange creak on the stairs at night–our minds naturally shift into one of two modes: either we leap up to fight off the danger, or we are petrified with fear.
When we feel emotionally threatened, we respond in the same way: we fight back, or we freeze and flee. The North Wind response, when we push our loved ones to respond, is our way of fighting for the relationship and the connection we so deeply crave. Continue Reading
The More Securely Connected We Are to Those We Love…
Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong?
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
~ Anais Nin
One cold wintery day, my oldest daughter, who was two at the time, woke up to a blanket of snow outside. Having no previous recollection of playing in the snow, she was anxious to go out and build a snowman with her dad. Unfortunately, having recently moved from a warmer climate, I had no boots or gloves for her, but she was determined. So I bundled her up in her coat and hat and then put two pairs of socks on her feet with her tennis shoes and two pairs of socks on her hands. Grinning from ear to ear, she ran out into the powdery snow and began making tracks through the yard. Watching from the window, I saw her delight as she and her dad built a meager yet important snowman. When I could tell they were getting ready to come in, I went into the bathroom and started filling the tub with warm water. When she came in, she was delighted and frozen. Her little face was red, and her hands and feet were icicles. I’m not sure the socks helped at all. I stripped off all her wet clothes, and with the anticipation of hot chocolate, she climbed into the tub. Instantly, she started screaming, “IT’S HOT!” I quickly yanked her out of the tub and felt the water. “Sweetheart, it’s not hot,” I reassured her as I picked her up and placed her right back into that water. “It IS hot!” she screamed. Yanking her out of the tub again, I realized that of course, the water felt hot.
Finding a Marriage Therapist
Deciding to see a therapist can feel a overwhelming. Who should I see? What specialty should I look for? How will I know they are the right fit?
All of these are really good questions and I hope I can help you answer them.
The most important thing to remember in looking for a good therapist is to be a good consumer. Therapy is like any other service you buy. You are investing your time, money, and hope in the therapist’s ability to help you. Ask lots of questions. If for some reason you do not feel that the therapist is a good fit for you, it is okay to not reschedule another appointment and to keep looking for someone who does fit well for you. Below are some important things to consider and some specific questions to ask as you are speaking to therapists to find the right fit.
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