6 Key Ways to Thrive When Your Spouse Works Nights

It can be very difficult when a spouse is required to work nights. Something about nights adds to the loneliness and challenge of an already difficult situation.

It’s easier to keep yourself busy during the day. There are often other people around such as friends, colleagues, and family members, as well as more scheduled activities and things to do. But at night time, families have gathered back at home and are preparing for the next day. It almost feels like an intrusion to reach out for connection and support at that time. Even if it’s just a late evening, when you’re out running kids around to soccer practice and piano lessons or at home managing homework and bedtime by yourself. How do you keep up your strength and not become resentful?

1. Simplify

If you have kids, do what you can to simplify evenings. Have a plan for dinner early in the day. Some families like to make a tradition of serving breakfast for dinner when one parent won’t be home that night. Simplify meal cleanup by keeping the meal simple and eating off of paper plates. Also learn how to say “no.” When one spouse is on nights, that may be a time when you can’t help out with youth activities at church or coach little league.

2. Ask For Help

Most of us are more comfortable helping others then we are asking for and accepting help for ourselves. Especially if you’ve lived far away from family and are used to doing so many things on your own, it can be hard to know who to call for help, difficult to admit that you need it, and concerning that your request for help make things harder for someone else. The truth is, you can play the martyr role of feeling like you have to do everything by yourself without the help of your spouse, or you can realize you don’t have to do it all alone and look for other people who can (and in most cases are delighted) to help.

Look for carpools to baseball and Scouts. Ask the sweet little old lady down the street from you to come and read with your kindergartner after school while you help the older ones with homework. Find someone to watch the baby while you run kids around in the afternoon, so you don’t have to listen to her crying because she is tired of her carseat.

3. Do What You Need To Do To Make It Work

Do you remember all those times when you made definitive statements to yourself and other people about things you would or would not do?

“My children will never eat chicken nuggets for dinner.”

“I will never have a movie playing in the car while we are driving around town.”

“I will always fold the laundry right after I take it out of the dryer.”

Yes, these are actually statements that I once believed. None of them are true. My children eat chicken nuggets, I don’t always fold the laundry when it comes out of the dryer, and if I have all four kids in the van running around in the evening, there are times I will turn a movie on. In an ideal world, I would stick to those initial convictions, but sometimes it’s okay to do what you need to do to make it work.

4. Connect with Working Spouse as Much as Possible

Technology really helps with this. Include the working spouse in the evening routine as much as possible. If she is available to be on FaceTime during dinner, set the phone on the table and enjoy a meal together as a family. Include them in bedtime routines such as stories and family prayer. Send a copy of a child’s favorite book with them to work and let them read over FaceTime or Skype.

5. Utilize the Help of Extended Family in Different Time Zones

Extended family can also help with bedtime. Let the child lie in bed and talk to grandma about the day while you handle the other kids or take a break. Once the kids are down, use that quiet time to call your sister or check in on your grandfather.

6. Use the Evenings for Something Fulfilling

It is much easier to have a spouse gone when you have something to pass the time. Watching a movie, reading a book, or mindless scanning Pinterest may be just what you need to decompress and regroup. For others, finding a purpose and following a passion may be the missing link. The trick is to identify something you genuinely love doing and wouldn’t be able to do if your spouse were home. Find a way to pursue your interests, dreams and/or career at the same time.