Marriage experts used to assume that couples fought mostly over what I call “content issues“–the things a couple discusses during a fight, such as money, in-laws, sex, and parenting styles. They believed that if they addressed each individual content issue, they could help the couple improve their relationship. But addressing the content of the fights often didn’t do much to heal the relationships. New issues would crop up, and the fighting and struggle to understand each other would continue.
Now we understand that most (if not all) of the reasons why couples fight are emotional disconnections that manifest as content issues. Not sure what that means? Take a quick minute and watch this short movie clip from The Break Up. You’ll see the two main characters fighting pretty intensely–over lemons. But is that really what they’re fighting about? See if you can relate!
{Disclaimer: I have only seen this clip–not the whole movie–so this is not an endorsement of the film. Also, a warning that there is some bad language in this clip.}
Can you see yourself in this couple? Do you find yourself trying to explain to your partner how much you need him or her, and aching when he or she does not seem to get it? Can you feel the exasperation Brooke feels when she tries one thing after another, and it still doesn’t work?
Notice that Brooke is talking all about content. She jumps from one content issue to the next, trying harder and harder with each one to make the point that she wants to matter and be important to Gary. With each new topic, however, Gary becomes increasingly more defensive and unwilling/able to see her point.
This is a classic example of how couples get stuck. One reason I feel so passionately about Emotionally Focused Therapy is that it is an intervention that helps couples move past this ineffective negative dance to a place where they can safely express what they want and need and have their partner actually hear and respond to their bids for connection.
Just like Brooke, we all want to know that our partner is there for us, that we matter to them and that they will come when we need them. We need to know that there is one other person in this world that has our back and cares deeply about us. Love–real, true, lasting love–is security in that knowledge that we matter and have a safe haven and secure base. When we are confident in that, we can better weather the uncertainty and difficulty of life.
When we do not feel like we matter to our partner, we react in a way that contributes to further disconnection. The hurt and uncertainty we feel compels us to blame, yell, criticize, withdraw, shut down, and become defensive.
The only way to break this cycle is to see it happening and to find the courage to break it. Yes, it is hard to share with your spouse when you feel vulnerable and hurt. But your honesty, your love, and your ability to find a way to speak with softness can be the first steps in a beautiful change.
How true this is. This must be why date night is so effective for many couples. They need time to connect without children running all around! Thanks for sharing this.