Who's Right and Who's Wrong?

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

~ Anais Nin

One cold wintery day, my oldest daughter, who was two at the time, woke up to a blanket of snow outside. Having no previous recollection of playing in the snow, she was anxious to go out and build a snowman with her dad. Unfortunately, having recently moved from a warmer climate, I had no boots or gloves for her, but she was determined. So I bundled her up in her coat and hat and then put two pairs of socks on her feet with her tennis shoes and two pairs of socks on her hands. Grinning from ear to ear, she ran out into the powdery snow and began making tracks through the yard. Watching from the window, I saw her delight as she and her dad built a meager yet important snowman. When I could tell they were getting ready to come in, I went into the bathroom and started filling the tub with warm water. When she came in, she was delighted and frozen. Her little face was red, and her hands and feet were icicles. I’m not sure the socks helped at all. I stripped off all her wet clothes, and with the anticipation of hot chocolate, she climbed into the tub. Instantly, she started screaming, “IT’S HOT!” I quickly yanked her out of the tub and felt the water. “Sweetheart, it’s not hot,” I reassured her as I picked her up and placed her right back into that water. “It IS hot!” she screamed. Yanking her out of the tub again, I realized that of course, the water felt hot.

Because of where she had been and the experiences she had just had, that water was burning her freezing skin.

The truth was that water was not any hotter than the baths I routinely drew for her, but because of where she was, her reality was that that water felt hot. No amount of me trying to teach her about water temperature and reminding her of past experiences would change how it felt to her. If I had forced the issue and made her sit in the water, I would have hurt her. If I had forced her to ignore her perspective and insisted that my perspective was the only one that mattered, she would have not only been physically hurt by the immediate situation but also associated me as the one who hurt her.

For relationships to thrive, we must realize that perspectives are reality – for ourselves and others. When we focus on determining who’s right and who’s wrong, we miss the point that both perspectives are correct to the one experiencing it.

It’s essential to remember that our perception of things, such as water temperature, can be subjective. Our past experiences and current physical and emotional state can significantly impact how we interpret different situations. When we’re tired or hungry, our perspective may differ from when we’re well-rested and fed. It’s common to feel like accepting someone else’s reality means we’re diminishing our own or taking the blame. But me acknowledging my daughter felt like the water was hot, was not admitting to intentionally burning her. Remembering this example can help us move away from the mindset of who’s right and who’s wrong and instead focus on improving our relationships.

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About Dr. Kim Blackham