Did you know that willpower is a finite resource? It’s true. There comes a point when you can’t just keep telling yourself to keep on.
I was reminded of that this week as the stress level at our house continues to mount with our upcoming move. I found myself frequently reaching for my favorite chocolates. (They really are AMAZING if you need an unhealthy way to help you manage your own stress.)
That’s because I am using my willpower for other things. Such as not yelling at my kids when they interrupt me while I’m on the phone. Or not completely losing it when my husband tells me he is on call again. Or not getting angry at my son’s teacher when something isn’t handled the way I would have liked. All my willpower is being diverted to other emotionally draining situations that when a chocolate covered caramel sounds good, I decide I should probably eat three.
Researchers have done some interesting studies about willpower. For one study, researchers placed participants in a room with two bowls–one with freshly baked, warm chocolate chip cookies and some chocolates and the other bowl filled with radishes. One group was told to eat two or three cookies and some chocolates, but no radishes. The other group was asked to eat two or three radishes, but no cookies. They were then asked to work on solving some complicated, unsolvable puzzles. The group that did not have to resist the temptation to eat the cookies worked on the puzzles for, on average, 19 minutes before they gave up. The radish-eaters gave up on the puzzles in 8 minutes.
The non-cookie eaters had already exerted their willpower to the point that they were tired and couldn’t persist in the assigned task. They had already used up their willpower reserve.
So much of what we do on a daily basis requires a tremendous amount of willpower. That’s what makes change so hard. Our self-control is already exhausted.
There are many things you can do to increase your willpower for the things that matter most to you. I’ve listed three important ones below.
Learn how to live true to your emotions.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to control our emotions. Most of us control our emotions with secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the softer, more vulnerable emotions that we don’t like to show other people–sadness, fear, shame, loneliness. Secondary emotions are the harsher, more reactive emotions like anger. Anger tends to be our go to secondary emotion. I call it the “socially acceptable” emotion. It feels more okay to be angry than it does to be ashamed. Constantly hiding your softer, more vulnerable emotions will deplete your willpower.
Seek clarity on your goals and direction.
Uncertainty is another huge willpower zapper. When so much of your time and energy is focused on “what do I do?” it’s impossible to focus on accomplishing those goals and moving forward. One purpose of EFT marriage therapy is to help couples find clarity. To understand how partners feel about each other and what they both want out of the relationship. When you no longer worry whether or not you matter to your partner, it is much easier to manage your reactions to situations. Many couples tell me that even making the initial appointment to sign up for marriage therapy brings added focus and relief–because then they have at least made a decision.
Decrease your options.
Have you ever eaten at The Cheesecake Factory before? Their menu is like a book. Pages and pages of options–and that’s just the entrees. The dessert menu is painfully impossible. If you want to eat at The Cheesecake Factory on a weekend night, plan to wait 45 minutes or longer to get a seat. While it is a popular place to be, I think part of the reason it takes so long is because no one can decide what they want! The more decisions they are offered, the harder it is to decide.
If you are having a difficult time committing to change, making a decision, or managing everything on your plate, I encourage you to join me this week in focusing on these three tasks. Pay attention to your emotions and focus on what’s happening underneath the harsher emotions. Seek clarity on what matters most to you. And decrease your options.
