Have you ever felt paralyzed by a decision that feels impossible to make? Or filled with doubt, confusion, and overwhelm–wishing someone would just make the decision for you? Me too.
Every time my husband ends one phase of his medical career and moves on to the next, I feel like we end up in the same quicksand of indecision. We know we need to choose something, but we want to make the “right” choice.
We are all faced with complicated and weighty decisions. When I am in that situation, I have found there are six things I can do when I don’t know what to do.
Recognize that the right decision is not always the easy decision.
I don’t really like this option. Sorry. I have to be honest. It’s really tough to sign yourself up for a harder situation when you could have chosen something easier. I felt this way when my husband decided to pursue a career in surgery. The phrase that kept running through my mind is, “I’m choosing this? I can choose something different and I’m choosing this?” But the harder decision was right for our family. And it wasn’t just right because my husband got to have the career he wanted. It was right because all the challenges along the way have contributed to our growth–both individually and as a family.
Trust your intuition
As you look at your options, the one that seems right on paper, may not feel like the right decision. Listen to your feelings. Pay attention to what is happening for you as you consider moving that direction. Is it fear that comes up? What is it about that option that feels so unknown or scary? Or perhaps it is confusion–that it just doesn’t all make sense and come together. We are not trained well in tuning into our own souls and trusting our intuition. Yet when we do, we often get a sense of which decision feels more right than the other one. And it may not be the one that seems most obvious. In all the frenzy of collecting information, opinions, and guidance from other sources, slow down and tune into what your own soul is telling you. Deep inside, does it feel like the right option?
Stop comparing options and look at them individually
Sometimes decisions are between good, better, and best. Other times decisions are between good and good. Those are the ones that are hardest for me to make. When the pros and cons of each option keep canceling themselves out. In a recent decision I was trying to make, a friend counseled me to stop comparing the two and look at them each individually. “Would you be happy with decision A? Is it a good option?” She then asked me to only consider decision B–without comparing it to decision A. “Would you be happy with decision B?” The answer to both questions was yes. We are so afraid of getting it wrong–regretting a choice. What will we miss out on if we choose A over B? What will I forfeit? Sometimes we need to stop comparing and look at them each individually.
Take the 30,000-foot view
Sometimes decisions feel enormous and crucial–like the rest of forever depends on what happens right now. When we were in residency, my in-laws came to visit us for Christmas and saw we were still using out 4 foot tall Christmas tree that we had since undergrad. My mother-in-law offered to buy us an artificial Christmas tree as our Christmas present. She and I went looking for one and I was miserable to shop with. I wanted to buy the prettiest tree I could find in a certain price range and I had to get it right because if I didn’t, I couldn’t replace it the next year. She was very patient with me as we shopped, but after almost a dozen stores she said, “This won’t be the last Christmas tree you purchase. Even if you can’t replace it for a couple of years, this is not the last Christmas tree you will ever buy.” Stepping back and recognizing the enormity of the decision may not be as enormous as it feels helps in the process.
Ask yourself what would need to change for the other option to be right
When I talk to couples contemplating divorce, more often than not, they tell me they want to be with each other, but that can’t continue the ways things have been. If they could feel connected and emotionally close, of course they would want to be together. But that option feels so out of reach that it’s hard to even consider it. Maybe a better way to say it is that it is hard to want it. It hurts too much to long to be close but feel that closeness is entirely out of reach. But without considering that possibility, many couples make a decision that ultimately, they don’t want.
Get to work
Rather than sit in frozen indecision, make a choice and start moving forward. Sometimes there isn’t one right answer. I don’t like that either. I want the right answer. I want the best answer. I want the neon billboard in my mind to light up and tell me what to do. And I often don’t want to move forward until I know what that is. Sometimes, however, you have to make a choice and begin moving forward trusting that if it is the wrong decision, things will come up to block your path. You can gather information, talk to other people, and pray for guidance, but in the end, you are the one that has to put Google away and go to work.
If you are in the middle of a seemingly impossible decision–or at least one that keeps you up at night, try applying these six principles to help you move forward.
