This most common reason for distress in marriages is a wife longing for emotional connection from her withdrawn husband. This pattern of one partner pushing for connection and the other partner shutting down and pulling away is known as a pursue-withdraw cycle. The research tells us that 75% of couples all over the world are stuck in this same cycle. The most fascinating part of that statistic is it is true across cultures and ethnicities. That means that in part, these are innate responses that are hard-wired in our brain. To understand this negative cycle, it’s important to first understand attachment safety.
Understanding Attachment Safety
Attachment safety refers to the feeling of security and trust that partners experience in their relationship. It is rooted in our innate need for emotional connection and support. When this attachment safety is threatened, it sets off a series of reactions that can significantly impact the dynamics between partners.
As social beings, our brains are wired to seek and maintain connections with others. This wiring evolved over thousands of years to ensure our survival. From an evolutionary standpoint, being part of a group provided safety, support, and resources necessary for survival in a harsh environment. Our brains have adapted to prioritize social connections as a fundamental aspect of our well-being.
When we perceive a lack of concern, responsiveness, accessibility, or engagement from our partners, our brains interpret it as a threat to our well-being. The brain’s threat response system, known as the amygdala, activates, triggering a cascade of physiological and emotional reactions. It’s similar to the fight-or-flight response when facing a physical danger.
Feeling disconnected or uncared for by our partner can have profound effects on our emotional and physical well-being. The activation of the threat response system floods our body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can lead to increased anxiety, feelings of insecurity, and even physical health issues over time. This is why relationship distress can have such a significant impact on our overall quality of life.
The Anxious Response: Seeking Reassurance and Connection
In the face of emotional threats, some individuals become more anxious about the relationship. They may intensify their emotional expressions, seeking reassurance and connection from their partner. This response stems from a deep-rooted fear of abandonment or rejection. Anxious individuals crave closeness and may engage in behaviors that are aimed at gaining attention and validation.
The Avoidant Response: Dialing Down Emotion and Maintaining Distance
On the other hand, some individuals respond to emotional threats by dialing down their emotions and avoiding closeness. They may create emotional distance as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from perceived rejection or vulnerability. Avoidant individuals may become more self-reliant and withdraw from emotional intimacy, prioritizing independence over connection.
Getting Stuck: The Negative Feedback Loop of Pursue-Withdraw
In relationships, it’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves stuck in seemingly unbreakable cycles of interaction. These cycles, often fueled by anxious or avoidant reactions. It may help to understand this perspective by considering how your thermostat regulates the temperature in your home.
Imagine your relationship as a thermostat, with the temperature representing the level of comfort and emotional connection between you and your partner. Just like how you set your thermostat to maintain your preferred temperature, in relationships, we all have our unique comfort levels when it comes to emotional closeness.
However, relationships can sometimes deviate from this desired comfort level, leading to feelings of anxiety or a need for space. This is where the anxious-avoidant dance comes into play. It’s a feedback loop that occurs when one partner pushes for connection (the anxious reaction) while the other partner steps away from conflict (the avoidant reaction). These contrasting behaviors perpetuate the cycle, making it challenging to break free from its grip.
Let’s take a closer look at this dance. When the anxious partner seeks reassurance or closeness, their pursuit triggers the avoidant partner’s instinct to withdraw or create emotional distance. This withdrawal, in turn, reinforces the anxious partner’s need for reassurance, leading them to intensify their pursuit even more. The cycle continues, with each partner unwittingly reinforcing the other’s behavior, making it difficult to find a healthy balance.
Breaking free from the anxious-avoidant dance requires greater understanding and compassion towards yourself and your partner. The anxious partner needs to recognize their fear of abandonment or rejection and find healthier ways to communicate their needs without overwhelming their partner. On the other hand, the avoidant partner needs to acknowledge their discomfort with emotional intimacy and work on developing the ability to engage in open and honest communication.
If you are serious about breaking these cycles in your relationship, it is important to understand why withdrawers withdraw and why pursuers pursue. Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you break these patterns of interacting. If you are ready to move forward with healing from these cycles, learn more about intensive couples therapy to decide if it is right for you.
