The fear of parallel living, of growing apart and becoming mere roommates, is a sentiment that many couples can relate to. It’s a fear born out of the realization that maintaining a deep and meaningful connection in marriage requires effort and intentionality. In a world where disconnection is often seen as inevitable, it can be challenging to hold onto hope and believe in the possibility of something different.
Your relationship doesn’t have to follow the same patterns as the stories you hear around you. By shifting your mindset and daring to believe in the possibility of a different outcome, you opened the door for transformation. When you change your mindset and believe in the possibility of a happy, connected marriage, your relationship can change.
Let me offer four reasons why believing your marriage can be successful and deeply fulfilling – regardless of the demands of life – is crucial:
1. Positive thinking makes you intentional.
Waiting for life to happen to you makes you a victim of your circumstances. When you are intentional, you make a concerted effort to do only the things that will help you achieve your goal. You no longer wait for things to fall into place on their own. Instead, you actively work to make your goal a reality.
In marriage, being intentional is essential. Couples who are intentional prioritize and nurture their relationship by investing time, energy, and communication into understanding and meeting each other’s needs.
Intentionality in marriage involves knowing what you want your relationship and family to look and feel like and making the sacrifices necessary to achieve it. Being intentional includes maintaining open and honest communication, building emotional connection, and meeting each other’s needs. This requires focused attention and deliberate choices to be accessible, responsive, and engaged in the relationship.
Intentionality in marriage doesn’t guarantee a problem-free relationship, but it does help you continually refocus on what matters most. Intentional marriages are the ones that succeed.
2. Positive thinking gives you hope.
When my husband was on his trauma surgery rotations, he explained how the horrific things he witnessed in the emergency room impacted his perception of risk and safety. Being exposed to traumatic situations and witnessing the aftermath of accidents heightened his anxiety and created a skewed perception of danger. He was much more likely to think of me and the kids getting into a terrible car accident during that rotation than during any other time.
This phenomenon is known as “availability heuristic,” where vivid and easily accessible examples influence our judgments and decisions.
In my husband’s case, regularly encountering severe traumas at work made it easier for him to imagine similar scenarios happening to those he loved. This cognitive bias created an illusion of increased risk, even if statistically there wasn’t a higher likelihood of an accident occurring during his trauma rotation compared to other rotations or daily life in general.
A similar phenomenon can crop up in our marriages. It’s important to remember that our perceptions and emotions can be influenced by our immediate surroundings and experiences. The things that fill our minds and hearts impact our emotions, and the thoughts we dwell on shape our feelings. If you believe your marriage can’t survive, you will feel more depression, anxiety, shame, and fear. If you believe your marriage can thrive, your emotions will reflect that belief, too.
3. Positive thinking helps you focus on truth.
Believing your marriage will survive allows you to see things for what they really are.
Our brains have a habit of looking for proof that supports what we already think. This is called confirmation bias. It can affect how we see things, including our relationships.
If someone thinks their marriage won’t work, they might notice more negative things about their partner and ignore the good things. This makes them even more convinced that their marriage is doomed.
But if someone thinks their marriage can be great, they might look for evidence that supports that idea. They might notice and appreciate the good things their partner does. This can make their relationship better. To focus on what’s true, we need to challenge our biases and try to see things from a fair and balanced perspective. This means being honest with our partner and trying to understand their point of view. We can still acknowledge problems, but we need to work on solving them in a positive way.
4. Positive thinking changes the advice you seek.
Once you decide that your marriage will thrive – no matter what – you stop listening to any advice that suggests otherwise.
Instead of wanting to hear how hard it will be or complaining about long work hours, disappointments, or missed family dinners, you will want to hear the advice that will help you strengthen your marriage. Changing your perspective will allow you to find the resources and guidance that will help you achieve what you want most.
Believing your medical marriage can thrive is the first step in making that a reality. It’s okay if you cannot see “the how” yet. That will come. For now, start with the belief.
