A traveler was walking alone down a country lane. The Sun and the North Wind decided to have a contest to see who could remove the traveler’s overcoat. The North Wind tried first. He blew and he blew around the traveler as fiercely as he could, trying to rip the coat from the traveler–but the traveler wrapped his coat more closely around him and held it tighter. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter the traveler hugged the coat. Then the Sun said, “Let me try,” and as she gently shone her warmth on the traveler, the traveler opened his coat, and within minutes took it off.” (Aesop Fable, recently quoted by Alison Lee, Ph.D., EFT Community News 2013)
How very like the North Wind we often are.
In our attempts to get a response from our loved ones, we often think we need to push harder and increase the intensity our efforts. We think that the harder we try, the more likely we will be to get them to understand our truest, deepest desires.
This is such a normal and frustrating feeling–especially when we feel a disconnection in our most important relationships. And it is a natural progression:
When we feel physically threatened–maybe a barking dog comes running toward us, or we hear a strange creak on the stairs at night–our minds naturally shift into one of two modes: either we leap up to fight off the danger, or we are petrified with fear.
When we feel emotionally threatened, we respond in the same way: we fight back, or we freeze and flee. The North Wind response, when we push our loved ones to respond, is our way of fighting for the relationship and the connection we so deeply crave.
I wonder if the North Wind began by blowing softly?
Perhaps the more the traveler responded in opposition to what the North Wind wanted, the harder and harder he blew. The tighter the traveler held his coat, the stronger the gusts of wind became, until the Wind was frustrated and defeated, and the Traveler was hurting from the cold and unable to remove his overcoat.
Of course it makes sense that the Traveler would not want to remove his overcoat when he was so blisteringly chilled.
Our relationships can be like this, too. Sometimes our partners surprise us. While our fear response may be to stand up and fight for the relationship, theirs might be to freeze.
We might begin slowly, voicing our wishes or dissatisfactions in hopes of finding a way to rekindle the connection. And then, instead of rising to fight as we would–our partner freezes. We feel shut out, and their lack of response heightens our anxiety. Increasing prods can escalate to harsh criticism and forceful blame as we struggle to reach our beloved’s heart.
Have you ever felt like this?
Think, now, about the Sun. It’s subtle warmth and soft approach safely invited the desired response.
When we ask for what we want and need from a place of softness, we are more likely to get what we need out of the relationship and draw others close to us.
Can you relate more with the North Wind, or to the Sun? Thinking about your most important relationships, how can you benefit from a softer, more gentle invitation for connection rather than a harsh, blaming demand?
I like this analogy of the North Wind. It is so true. I see it so often in my clients. I think that desperate need to not lose the connection makes people behave irrationally even when it hurts the relationship even more. It’s difficult to see when you’re in the middle of it though because in the client’s mind, every second that they’re not fighting for the relationship is a second closer to losing it.
Susaye, you nailed it with your last sentence. That really is exactly the experience, isn’t it? A desperate attempt to save the relationship, which unknowingly and unintentionally adds to the distress. I appreciate you stopping by and leaving a comment. 🙂