If I were asked to give a Ted talk, I have two topics I would choose from. This week, Jim Carrey took 90 seconds to give one of my complete 18 minute talks.
“I am two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey,” he said. “You know, when I go to sleep at night, I’m not just a guy going to sleep. I’m two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey, going to get some well-needed shuteye. And when I dream, I don’t just dream any old dream. No, sir. I dream about being three-time Golden Globe winning actor Jim Carrey. Because then I would be enough. It would finally be true. And I could stop this terrible search for what I know ultimately won’t fulfill me.”
I don’t know what happened in the hearts of Hollywood’s finest when they heard Jim Carrey that night. I don’t know what happened in the hearts of millions of people around the country who heard the same message. But when I heard that message a few days later, I felt a lump in my throat as I considered what “Golden Globes” I am chasing.
Jim Carrey was right. You can never get enough of that which doesn’t satisfy. It’s like Hershey milk chocolate. You can eat the whole bag of kisses because it’s not meant to satisfy. It’s meant to increase your desire for more.
We all desire more. More money, more success, more recognition, more love, more time, more friends, more beauty, more . . . more . . . more. It’s as though having more makes us better–more worthy somehow. But the problem with our desire for more is that it creates an unending state of discontent.
Discontent exists everywhere. You can always find someone who is complaining about something. What a sad existence we have to constantly walk around wanting more–not recognizing that many of the things contributing to our discontent are things we once thought would make us or our situation enough.
Being content.
When we were in medical school, I had a scripture on our wall that read, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”
Being content is not just an admirable quality that some are born with and others lack. Being content is a skill–one that everyone can develop. It takes effort. It takes intention. And it takes a lifetime to master. Here are a few suggestions for getting you focused and started.
1. Change your script.
Begin to pay attention to how much you complain. Notice how often people around you complain. What happens for you when you hear others complain? Does it feel draining? Is it motivating or depressing? Try and focus on what happens in your body when you listen to others complain. Then begin to notice what happens inside yourself when you complain. How do other people respond to your complaining? Commit to not complain for the next 24 hours and see how difficult it is for you. (Don’t forget to include the complaining you do in your head. Just because you don’t vocalize it, doesn’t mean it is harmless.)
2. Recognize your Golden Globes
Separate your worth from your possessions or accomplishments. What makes you loveable? Many people would have a hard time answering that question. This week, ponder what makes you loveable. Ask a close friend or family member for some suggestions if you need help identifying some of your most endearing characteristics. Look beyond your accomplishments. This isn’t about certain skills you have acquired or degrees that hang on your wall. It’s not about the size of your home or the brand (or size) of your jeans. All of those things are just Golden Globes and have no lasting fulfillment.
3. Find one or two people who can play a supporting role.
One of the greatest fears we all have is not being worthy of love or belonging. Not being good enough. Not mattering enough. And when that happens, we may turn back to our Golden Globes because that is the only way we have known to be enough. Instead, find one or two dear friends or family members that you can connect with and share these core fears. When we share our shame, it has much less power over us. These connections can help you stay centered when discontent begins to take over.
4. Recognize that many of the things that contribute to discontent were once on your wish list.
You once thought that building a home would make you happy, but it’s really just stressful and overwhelming. You wanted children more than anything, but now you’re exhausted and ready for them to become more self-sufficient. Our greatest blessings are often our greatest challenges. When that happens, remember the time when they were on your wish list. Allow yourself to feel the desire for that again then appreciate that blessings come in challenging little packages.
Above all, don’t allow the quest for better to take away the peace of today.
This next week, make an effort to be content with what you have, who you are, and the situation you are in. Focus on finding contentment–even if it is just in moments.
What an excellent message Kim! Thank you for sharing this. There is so much truth that we are in constant search for something more instead of being grateful for what we have and the present moment. I have certainly been caught in this too and I would imagine most of us have to continue to work on overcoming the ‘never enough’ trap. I think it takes a lot of practice to truly be content but the benefits are definitely worth it. I also wanted to add that number 4 was spot on – very insightful!
All the best,
Sara