Cindy could not find her four year old son. She looked all through the house and then the yard, but couldn’t find him anywhere. Desperate, she ran out into the street and looked up and down the road. There was her sweet son, sitting at the corner playing with his stick in the dirt. Yanking him back to the house, she yelled, “Haven’t I told you not to go to the corner?”
The next day she found him there again. This time she spanked him and sent him to his room saying, “I have told you not to go to the corner! You’ll spend the rest of the day in your room!”
You can imagine her exasperation when she found him there again the next day. “How can I get you to understand? I have told you so many time to not go to the corner. Why won’t you listen to me?”
This time the little boy replied, “Mommy, what’s a corner?”
So often we expect our kids to do certain things or behave in a certain way, but we fail to fully explain what it is we expect of them. For us, pornography is just understood. We know what it is, and we know it’s destructive. Our kids, however, do not know unless we teach them.
With the , it has become imperative to teach children what pornography is and how to stay away from it. The average age that kids are exposed to pornography is 11 – much younger than most parents anticipate. When I ask parents if they have had these conversations with their kids, most of them are surprised and report that they had never really considered it. Others, respond that they know they should, but don’t know what to say. Hopefully this article will provide you with some suggestions so you can feel more comfortable talking to your kids about pornography.
Define Pornography and Start Early
This should parallel the discussions you are having about sex, gender, and modesty from a young age. Starting with young children, teach them that their bodies are special and that the areas covered by a swimsuit should not be shown to other people. Explain that when we keep ourselves covered we are “modest.” When you attach a word like modesty to keeping themselves covered, it allows for an understood term later when you try to explain pornography.
Once children are between ages 4-5, start explaining the importance of not looking at anything that is immodest. Kids are exposed to pornography just walking past the lingerie section at Target. Even the blown up photos of women modeling bras and underwear can be problematic. It’s helpful for them to be able to identify those kinds of images as immodest from an early age.
Encourage your Children to Come to You if They Ever See Anything Immodest
“Some people put immodest pictures on the computer, in magazines, or on TV. It’s so sad that someone took a picture of these people like this isn’t it? That person is someone’s mom, sister, daughter, and friend. Can you imagine if someone took an immodest picture of someone you loved? That’s sad isn’t it? We don’t ever want to look at something like that. Will you let me know if you ever see an immodest picture?”
When you initially define pornography as “sad” rather than “bad,” it makes it safer for kids to come to you when they do see it because they will be less afraid of getting in trouble. It also helps them remember that the people in the images are people – not objects. That is the one of the dangers of pornography – it objectifies rather than humanizes.
When your kids come to you after having seen pornography, praise them! This applies when they are young and first mention it to you as well for the children who really struggle with it. Make sure you are a safe place for them and that they know you will help them. Put yourself in their position. Pornography may not be the challenge you struggle with, but we all have areas we feel great shame about. It is hard to let other people see our shameful things. It is a huge deal when they come to you!
“Thank you for coming to me with this. I am proud of you for telling me. That must have been hard for you to say. I’m grateful you took that risk and did that hard thing.”
Teach Them Strategies for Avoiding Porn and Do Everything in Your Power to Prevent it from Entering Your Home
When your children see pornography on the internet, teach them to close the browser and WALK AWAY immediately. So many parents just teach their children that closing the web page is sufficient. For a lot of children, it is not sufficient. They have just seen something that peeks their curiosity and even if they close that web page, they may be tempted to open another and seek it out again. That moment of walking away and coming to find you will help them avoid that impulse to look again.
Make sure you have internet filters and safety settings on. I have many tutorials for how to set up YouTube Safety Mode, Google Safe Search, Apple Device Security Settings, Internet and Cell Phone Filters.
Run “Pornography Drills.” When they are on the computer, walk into the room and say, “Pornography!” They will need to close the browser and walk away from the computer as fast as they can. Just like fire and tornado drills, this helps them know what to do when they are faced with the decision.
As a family, commit to a Clean and Safe Media Pledge
Finally, if pornography ever becomes a problem for one of your children, get them into see a counselor now. Don’t wait for the problem to develop into a lifelong addiction that they will . The younger you can address it, the better.
