Question: I recently checked the Internet browser history on my 12-year-old son’s computer, and he has been looking at pornography. How should I talk to him about this? I’m worried if he finds out I’ve been snooping, he won’t trust me anymore and start to keep other things secret.
Answer:
Parents should regularly check their children’s computers and smartphones to keep tabs on what their kids are interacting with and viewing. Your concern that he won’t trust you is understandable, but please don’t question your decision to check. That was the right thing to do.
When confronted with something we have done wrong, most of us feel shame and embarrassment. It is normal to react angrily, become defensive, and even blame the person who is confronting us. Shame is that awful feeling that says, “Hide – don’t let anyone see.” The anger and blame are an attempt to hide – as is secrecy.
The key here is to remember that Shame Causes Secrecy. Decrease the shame, decrease the tendency to hide. When you talk with your son, make sure you are kind and gentle. Yelling, blaming, and accusing will only increase shame and turn him away from you. Work together to come up with ways to help the whole household avoid pornography including the use of internet filters, technology curfews, and frequent monitoring. Let him know you are there to support and help, not to judge.
