Tip #6 – Surviving Residency and Making Medical Marriages Work

Choose to not be Resentful.  Be Flexible and Understanding Instead

Aaron learned to not tell me when he thought he would be home, but instead, to tell me what he had left to do and about how long it would take him to get it done.  I would then tack an extra hour and a half onto that for the unexpected emergency that would always come up and then plan on him around then. 

I have a voicemail saved on my phone from my birthday this last year.  He had scheduled things so that he was supposed to be home and take me out that night (should have followed tip #8).  After seven years, I’ve gotten pretty good at receiving these kinds of phone calls, so when I heard him regretfully begin with, “Hi Honey.” A small smile formed on my lips as I thought how hard it must have been to call and tell me he had an emergency he had to attend to and how very sorry he was that he didn’t know when he would be home.  A phone message that could have disappointed me and even made me angry, is saved on my phone because it is very endearing to me.  When I listen to it, I really don’t hear that he was about to let me down, instead, I hear how sad it makes him to let me down.  His message of, “I’m not going to make it” is filled with a tender acknowledgment of my feelings and regret that something out of his control may hurt me.

One day, early on in residency, it dawned on me that it was much harder to make those phone calls than it was to receive them.  Regardless of how hard things were when he would call and tell me he wouldn’t be home, I would smile, remember how hard it must be to make that phone call and kindly respond that I understood and would see him soon.  Had I gotten angry or hurt at something that was so totally out of his control, it would have spiraled us into disconnection.  Years of that would have torn us apart.

Before residency started, I made a commitment that I would NEVER RESENT HIM.  I accepted and joined in his goals and desires to be a surgeon.  If I had said I wanted him to choose a different specialty, he would have.  The truth was, we chose surgery residency.  There was no way I could resent him for something that I chose.

I really believe this is our number one key to surviving residency.

I never once blamed him for being gone.  There were times I was mad at the system for sure, but I was never angry at him.  He had absolutely no control over it.  Being angry at him would have destroyed our marriage and still wouldn’t have brought him home.  (Incidentally, being angry at the system didn’t impact his work hours either – should have saved my energy.) {Lesson 7)