Dream About and Envision the Future Together
This isn’t putting off life until training is over, but rather seeing a future where the two of you are together and in love. Frequently discuss plans and dreams together. Where do we want to be in ten years? Where should we vacation to celebrate when all this training is over? Where do we want to settle? What will our lives be like then?Â
Not only does this help you remember that it will in fact end, but it provides a blueprint for the long term quality of your relationship so you will remember how you need to treat each other today in order to get there.
I know this is hard. I know it can feel overwhelming and at times hopeless. I know there are days where you wonder if you can make it and you question if any of this is even worth it. Please borrow some of my hope that you can make it through this – not just be the skin of your teeth, but by actually thriving.
All of these posts have been from my point of view. Â Much of our success through residency came because of the decisions Aaron made as well. Â He lovingly agreed to write his perspective and tips for surviving residency as well. Â Balancing my Marriage and a Scalpel: Lessons Learned as a General Surgery Resident that Kept My Medical Marriage from Exsanguinating
GET YOUR FREE PDF SURVIVING RESIDENCY TIPS
I’d like to invite you to join the Facebook Group – Nurturing Medical Marriages.  I know there are a lot of FB groups for medical spouses, but this one is different.  The main purpose of this group is to support and encourage successful and happy medical marriages.  It is a place to ask for help and support, offer advice and tips that have worked for you, share a good deal on a romantic getaway you found, or be a voice of hope for those who are struggling.  Whatever stage of a medical career you are in and whatever state your marriage is in, WE NEED YOU.  Come join us and bring a friend!
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For those of you who have gone through medical training, what other advice would you offer?
Wow Kim! Amazing advice for all marriages! Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom!
Thanks Nikki. You are right. These same principles can apply to any relationship- not just those in the medical field. Thanks for reading and sharing the article.
Nailed it. Kim’s got the right perspective on being vulnerable, flexible, choosing happiness, giving each other the benefit, and what is required to make a marriage thrive.
Thanks Brandon. I know that you have made a study the last few years about what it takes to be successful. You’re comment means a lot. Thanks for taking the time to read and share.
Thanks for the great advice. We are in year 1 of surgery residency with 3 little kids. We’ll use your ideas!
You’re welcome, Hilary! Best of luck to you guys. You can do this. Intern year is really hard, but you’ve already almost made it through July. Start planning that first vacation week 🙂
Wow what a thoughtful and inspiring read. I have hope again! Even though we just finished residency the principles apply to new attendings too!
Anne, I’m so glad to hear that!! Congratulations on making it through residency. I hope this transition as a new attending goes smoothly for you. You’re right. These principles would certainly apply to that stage as well. I wish you the very best.
We are in the research years of my husband’s surgical training. (We’re hoping to do pediatric surgery!) So we’re only 8 years into the 13 years of training, counting medical school. I can definitely relate and attest to these problems/solutions. It is a daily struggle (we have four young kids, too!) to keep it all together, but we do our best and look for the positive. Now if only I could convince our friends and family to stop saying, “I could NEVER do what you are doing” I wouldn’t have to be reminded of it all the time! Thanks for the tips. I am definitely going to put them to practice more!
Valerie, you’ve passed the half way point! Congratulations! The thing I noticed about your comment was that you said, “WE are in the research years…,” “WE’re hoping to do pediatric surgery.” That team approach is so important. And four kids! There aren’t many of us who have a family through this process. I have great respect for the sacrifices you are making for your husband to pursue this. A few years ago we had a family member who was in a serious accident. It was a pediatric neurosurgeon that saved her life. That night, I thought about the wife of that pediatric surgeon. How many ball games did she attend alone? How many times did she make a plate of dinner for her husband to warm up long after the kids had gone to bed? That night when her husband came home late was because of us. He was at the hospital saving our family member’s life. I was so grateful for the sacrifices she made so that he had the skill necessary to do what he did. One day, I hope you will feel the gratitude of another family who desperately needs your husbands skill and recognizes that he was successful because of your sacrifice.
I absolutely love this. We’re in year one (an intern year) and are trying to figure out how to make it all work (we have two little ones). Thank you, thank you for your wisdom.
Crystal, intern year is a tough one. I admire that you are looking for ways now to make it work though. You’ll make it. One day you’ll look back at pictures of those little kids and wonder how in the world you made it through – while at the same time reminiscing about the joy and memories made along the way. I wish your family the very best over these next few years.
Great read and great advice. Wish you lived closer. We are in the last 11 month stretch of general surgery residency. This is my husband’s second career and I’ve been with him for 13.5 years. We have two kids, one born in medical school and one in residency. We have buried three grandparents, one sibling, missed countless weddings, baptisms, funerals and gone on “lavish” vacations just me him and whatever child we had at the time. We have a monster ton of debt both private and educational. We eat organic, live in a newer construction home and pay someone to mow our lawn (in residency). People constantly make snide remarks but they just have no idea what it’s like to have a husband come home from an ED Thoracotomy, 36 hour trauma shift, a grieving spouse, kids on antibiotics, extended family states away and the excitement of getting up in 12 hours to do it all over again day in and day out for FIVE stinkn’ years. Yup, it’s hard. You do what you have to get by…like eat chocolate and don’t share it with anyone or buy an awesome dress that is NOT in your budget or join the gym to sleep in peace and quiet while someone watches your kids bounce around non stop. I really do LOVE this post. All so very true. We just signed our contract and we did choose surgery. There are many times I have regretted it but I have faith there is a bright light on the other side of our rainbow. I have faith this brutal existence is setting us up for something really wonderful and special. I have faith that our trips to the coast were $’s well spent on my amex (which is now maxed out), my visa (which is also maxed out) and my bank cc (which is also maxed out). I’m proud of maxing out my cards bc to ME that tells me I have LIVED these last 13 years. I find people who understand and I hang onto them real tight. It’s a unique and sometimes not so awesome club to be in—the surgery resident wife stay at home mom without any family in town life. I’ve learned a lot and I’m a great person because of it but boy it’s been an ugly ride!…. 🙂 All the best to you. I hear the life of an attending (especially surg onc) is WAY better than general surgery residency. Your kids are lovely.
Monica, 11 months left! You’re almost there! It is a hard road. I am so glad you have found a way that works for your family to make it through. Congratulations on the job as well. I love your comment about “trips to the coast.” Something about the ocean seems to always make things better 🙂
Great article! We just finished 14 years post undergrad!!!!
Natasha, congratulations! Hope you are doing something fun to celebrate 🙂
Thank you very much for this post. Being the wife in medical school with 2 little ones has a few different challenges…but I would say this is really spot on for everyone in this medical training situation. Residency starts in one year. Wish us luck.
Stephanie, you’re right, being the woman in medical school really does present different challenges. Hang in there through the tough times. You’ve already come so far to be at the end of med school and with two children. Good luck these next few years. You can do it.
This is so perfect. We’re in our last year of residency (unless he does a fellowship…) and everything you said is so true! Sharing this with all my resident wives groups. 🙂
Hi Jillian, congratulations on making it to the end! You’re down to counting months, not years 🙂
Thanks for sharing with your friends. I sure appreciate that.
Thank you for sharing these tips I truly wish I had been given this insight before or even during my husband’s EM residency. I think it would have helped me cope a little better and to have been a better partner. Neither of us knew what to expect of residency and it proved quite daunting at certain points. But, thankfully we made it, we still love each other and woot woot, life as an attending is sheer BLISS compared to residency! Congratulations on how far you two have come. There is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
Rebecca, I love hearing the words love and bliss in the same sentence! Residency IS daunting and you still made it! I’m so glad to hear things are going so well for you now.
Ah, Kim, would you come live next door? Haha. You totally nailed it! It was 17.5 LONG years of training that we finished 2.5 years ago! You will survive! We will never forget the struggles and trials and always appreciate the opportunities we have now. If someone had told me that this would be our path, that my husband would be a cardiovascular and thoracic surgeon, back when I met him our freshman year in college I would have stared in disbelief. It’s true that it’s tough on a marriage but it’s not impossible. When he came home from his surgery rotation in medical school and had this light in his eyes I knew that he would be a surgeon. He tried so hard to find another specialty that he liked just as much but nothing compared. I tell people (because they ask if I’m okay with this career path) that I get to spend my days doing what I love (teaching before we had kids and staying at home since starting a family) so I could never deprive him of getting to do what he loves. I know that we come first but I don’t need him to prove it. Contrary to what some believe, he is not a work-a-holic, he’s just a very good and caring surgeon. Keep sharing your perspective. It’s such a blessing!
Julie, I am smiling as I type this. That light in their eyes! That’s totally what it is. Having a spouse who loves what he does all day and comes home exhausted, but happy, is way better than having him choose a specialty that would not make him happy – even if he was home more. Blessings to you!
This was all such great advice! Well written and completely true. We are in 2nd year of residency and I love your tip about not expecting others to understand. Not the jargon. Not the schedule . Not the challenges. And definitely not all your decisions on how to spend time/money. My only advice to add is if possible, find another medical couple who DOES understand who you can commiserate with. It helps so much to have one other person on the planet who also sits alone in church every week, has to go to her own surgeries alone, has had to learn to make her schedule revolve around her husbands unpredictable one to get a few minutes together. It’s great to have at least one person in your corner who has also been in the ring.
Kathleen, this is an excellent suggestion. It really does help to have someone who “gets it”. Somehow things feel less chaotic when there are others living the same experience. Thank you for sharing.
This is great advice! We are just starting an orthopedic residency with 8 month old twins, so this really hit home! Thank you for sharing and I can’t wait to start planning my vacation!!
Hi Alden. I just visited your website. I’m so impressed with your great attitude about these two things that are potentially really stressful. I hope you’ll stop by again and let me know how that vacation went 🙂
My husband finished his intern year of Obgyn in June with the navy. My gen surg wife- friend and I used to commiserate in our husbands horrible schedules and secretly envied our other intern wives who’s husbands schedules were usually 20-30 hrs shorter (as if he only worked the 80 hrs!! Yeah right!). I love this list and it offers great advice. I feel like intern year just made me realize how freaking awesome I am to have battled it like a champ with 3 kids 4 and under! Haha. My biggest tip was to never expect him to come home before bedtime or dinner or anything (I think he only did like 2x and on non-Obgyn rotTions). By not ever expecting him to be home I never was let down. By never expecting him to have days off I never was let down! I only felt let down when I compared his schedule to other friends’ intern husband schedules. Anyway, I will be sharing these great tips!
Hi Katie. These are two really good good tips. When you don’t expect him home, you can’ be disappointed and comparing always makes things worse. Hopefully things will get a little bit easier with intern year over 🙂 Thanks for your comment.
Kim, this list was great! I am so glad another medical wife shared this on a Facebook page. I appreciate even more that you are an LMFT because that adds the professional training on top of the personal experience.
Congratulations on your graduation and entering the last phase! I want to say “two years is practically nothing!” but that seems a little like telling my husband “only a 5K left!” when he hit the 10 mile mark of his first half marathon last year. I mean to be encouraging but it might make you want to strangle me, if you had the energy to spare. 😉
My husband just started his 5th year of practice in Internal Medicine (so hard to believe!). We will celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary next month. I worked full time until our son was born in September of his intern year. I think having a super-portable baby was a lifesaver during internship because I could cart him over to a friend’s house to spend the evening when Mat was on-call. We were often the delivery team for lunch and/or dinner for weekend shifts. I think the nurses at the ICU and his clinic felt like surrogate aunties. I love the FaceTime with Daddy tip!
Our last year of residency, we actually had already signed a contract complete with signing bonus and a few months of stipend to join a practice where my husband had done student rotations. A divorced friend a few years ahead of us was in that clinic but he called to tell us that he “feared for our marriage” if Mat continued. There were some circumstances with workload that we were not aware of (admitting for 12 providers, not just the 4 in the practice due to rural clinics in area). At that time, Mat told me that he was “happier in our relationship now than he was even before we started med school, and he didn’t want to lose that.” He chose US, even though that meant we had to repay the full $27,000 within a few short months! (Although that did sort of count as a “credit” that first year of a full doctor salary on our income takes 🙂 ) It has been an excellent choice for our whole family.
Mat and I are passionate about encouraging medical students and especially medical marriages. I continue to be involved in the auxiliary group at our local medical school and volunteer in the DME to serve the interns and residents and their families at the hospital. I am not the social activities leader but I love helping them find answers and resources for “life outside the hospital.” I have just shared this link on both of their FB ages!
Here are the things I tell the incoming wives, etc.: 1) I am here to be a light at the end of the tunnel. 2) That I would be a liar if I said that there won’t be hard times, but so would anyone who tells you your marriage CANNOT survive. 3) That starting out with a bad attitude or resenting/nagging him will NOT make the training years any shorter but that it CAN make them a whole lot longer. Turn your thinking into the sacrifices that you are making are “for your team” not just “for your spouse’s career.” 4) Even if it takes longer, it will be much better for everyone if you encourage/help him to pursue the field that he truly wants to do. I can’t imagine how miserable everyone in the family would be to go through all the time and debt and sacrifices of even a “short” residency and then be trapped in a job that is both hard AND unfulfilling because the spouse wanted him to “just be done already.” 5) It is vital to have someone who can relate – a friend that asks “is he on-call or out rotating?” instead of “soooo, where’s Mat this time?” 6) Also, make friends with the DME office – I was on a first name basis with the staff because I would call them when I had a question about his requirements or turning in receipts or vacation days, etc., instead of asking my husband to remember it all and pass it on.
We’ve taken vacations almost every year, both without our son and with our whole extended family. We have also been blessed and encouraged by twice attending marriage conferences. Ours were specifically for medical families through the Christian Medical and Dental Association and they were fantastic. Do you know if there are other medical groups that hold marriage conferences too?
Sorry it was longwinded, but I am so happy to see a positive message from someone else who has ben in the trenches. Keep up the good work!
Wow, Marbree! Way to give back and help the rising resident families. I have great respect for that. It sounds like you are doing a lot of good. Thanks for sharing.
I love this! I used to get frustrated with people that would say ‘enjoy this now, because life gets so much more complicated when…(you’re finished, your kids are older, you’re done with training, etc). It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy life, but I did need to have hope that it WOULD be better once we finished residency. And you know what? It totally IS!!! I tell that to every resident and med student I meet. Hang in there. Life gets so much better! Enjoy the experience or at least survive it. But hold on to the hope that it will get better. I love my career and the options it provides me as a mother. It is SO worth it.
I think that hope is the most powerful human emotion. When we can believe and hope for things, it is so much easier to keep going. Thanks for sharing your perspective, Sarah.
Beautifully written, Kim! Just reading this is a nice reminder that I’m not alone when it often feels that way. My husband just finished ophthalmology residency and started 1 of two fellowships. We have three little kids. I married a pre med student too. 🙂
As I was reading through the tips I nodded my head along feeling like I’ve done a pretty good job with these. And then I hit #9 and it was just what I needed to hear. It’s often hard to be vulnerable and communicate effectively when you’re both in survival mode and viewing situations with your own needs in mind. But our closest moments have been when we were vulnerable and open without any agenda. Beautiful advice. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to you guys!
Malerie, it’s hard to be vulnerable in relationships in general, but it is especially hard to be vulnerable when you are in survival mode. It is that very act of turning to each other and taking those risks that makes the desperate situations more manageable. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you so much for these tips! I am so grateful that a friend shared this with me. We just finished 5 years of med school after having to repeat our first year. Now we are starting residency. We have 3 kids and are always trying new ways to balance life. I needed to hear that it is possible to survive residency with a marriage still intact and (from the sound of it) a wonderful marriage. I am going to bookmark this and read it often to remind myself of how to make it work and not be a bad experience. WE chose this life and WE will survive and enjoy our life!
Oh, Kim! It is more than possible! I promise. Balance is hard for everyone – in all careers. You guys can do this, especially with the “we” approach that I hear from you. If you ever get discouraged, borrow a little of my hope. I wish your family the best.
We are in our 3rd year of med school and just had our fourth child. My husband started med school later after an initial career as a teacher and has now fallen in love with dermatology, so it looks like a long road ahead. Thank you for your positive outlook!
I appreciate your example of supporting your husband through two careers. That’s awesome. Best of luck to your family, Laurel!
Thank you so much for your advice, Kim! In 10 months, I am marrying a 3rd-year medical student — he wants to be an orthopedic surgeon. I plan to re-read your Lessons often!
Congratulations, Janna! I wish you both a wonderful life together!
This is an awesome blog post! I’m actually in med school and it’s my dream to be a general surgeon. Do you think it’s possible for me to go through residency married to another physician and wait to have kids till closer to the end?
I’m a devout Christian so it’s really important for me that my kids will have a sense of family and a relationship with God. I’m just worried that I will end up marrying my job not the man I love.
Monica, I think so much of your medical road and family priorities are choices. That’s the good news! While you may not be able to choose your hours and work schedule, you do get to choose what is most important to you, how and when to start a family, and if you will be married to your job or your spouse. I absolutely believe it is possible to have both. But I don’t think it comes without dedicated, deliberate effort. I wish you the best as you make these tough decisions and travel this medical path.
As the wife of a husband who did 2 residencies and a fellowship I appreciate and agree with your points. (We met and married in residency 1) I would also add that although they may be home more after residency, you will STILL be alone much of the time. There will always be those shifts that are supposed to be 9 hours but stretch to 10 or 11, and I would say that is more the norm than the exception. They should, however have more vacation time so continue to use that wisely. You will have some predictable “calendar” holidays but maybe 1/2 of them – an improvement to be sure! Cultivate your own interests – I was able to start a business and my office is in my house – which made his time away go much more quickly. We raised 3 kids, and have been married almost 22 yrs. :-).
Congratulations on 22 years of marriage, Laurie! That’s wonderful. Great suggestion about cultivating own interests. Thanks for sharing.
Great article with good advice for any marriage, medical or not. My brother had a two medical marriage that didn’t work and cautioned me against it, but being married to a fellow doctor, while having its challenges also has its perks. When I’m on a long weekend of call, he does the laundry, makes the meals, checks in a brings me coffee and is generally just my rock. It helps that I don’t have to explain why I’ll be late, why my ETA to get home fell apart at the last minute due to an ER admission, etc. He just gets it… because he’s done it. We have two very different disciplines, so that also helps with staggered schedules. Creating a safe harbor environment for your spouse, regardless of their job, is so very important.
Hi Jean. You bring up a really great point about being married to another doctor and having someone who really understands. I love your comment about creating a safe harbor for our spouses. So important!
I’d like to invite you to join my new Facebook Group – Nurturing Medical Marriages. https://www.facebook.com/groups/755489444509800/
I know there are a lot of FB groups for medical spouses, but this one is different. The main purpose of this group is to support and encourage successful and happy medical marriages. It is a place to ask for help and support, offer advice and tips that have worked for you, share a good deal on a romantic getaway you found, or be a voice of hope for those who are struggling. Whatever stage of a medical career you are in and whatever state your marriage is in, WE NEED YOU. Come join us and bring a friend!
Hi! These are really good thoughts–I know that I would have loved to read this five years ago during my husband’s intern year. He just finished in July (happy new year!) and is now an attending at long last at a cancer center in Radiation Oncology. Residency was tough, but certainly not as rigorous as your husband’s surgical route!
I felt very lucky to have a few other medical families in my circle of friends. My absolute saving grace was exercising at 5:00 am with two best friends (and medical wives as well) a few times a week. This is still not early enough for surgeons, I know! But, we were taking care of ourselves and each other as we talked and exercised together. These ladies were like sisters to me! I never thought I’d say this, but I miss residency, just because we had to say goodbye to such close friends.
Your thoughts about being adaptable are the absolute key to it all! I love what you said about those hard phone calls–so sweet! And when I try to expect him to always be late, when he is not, we all celebrate! I think this all ties in to being grateful for the life that we have and finding the good in each day. And as we have lived one month beyond residency, I see a lift already. It’s a pretty fantastic job in the end!
Thanks for your thoughts, Becca. I would wholeheartedly agree with you that some of my dearest friends were the ones I made during residency. I love your suggestion about early morning exercising with friends. So glad things are already looking up 🙂
This is an insightful and well written article. I am a trauma surgeon married to a plastic surgeon. 15 years of training together. Waited to have kids until we were attendings. Many of these principles will always apply to anyone married to a surgeon. Good job here.
Thank you. I have great respect for what you and your spouse have been able to accomplish together. Double surgery is a big sacrifice.
What valuable insight! My husband and I began raising our nephew, who has some very intense special needs, six months in to our marriage, and this really resonates with me. Thank you so much!
Becca, you’re welcome. Raising your nephew six months into your marriage is probably really challenging. Keep believing that marriages can survive even some of the most trying situations.
I rarely join Facebook groups, but I’m joining yours! My husband and I read these together last night and found them so true and helpful! We appreciated your positivity in facing the residency process as a team. That’s been key for us as my husband finished his gen surg residency and trauma/acute care fellowship (and passed both his boards!). Thank you for nurturing medical marriages; I hope to do the same with the other medical women I meet where my husband is now an attending.
Leslie, I’m so glad you joined the FB group and appreciate your commitment to nurturing medical marriages too. I honestly believe that the example and mentoring of attendings and attending spouses can significantly impact residents and the stereotypes that currently exist.
I love this! Thank you so much. While I’m not married to my 3rd year surg resident boyfriend, I feel like much of this advice is very applicable to different types of residency relationships. I am in medicine as well, and while I didn’t choose a surgical specialty, I remember how difficult the surgery rotations were. It takes a very gifted and blessed person to thrive in that environment! So proud of these guys (and ladies!). Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom and suggestions, I will be bookmarking this article for those tough times moving forward. Congratulations to you, your husband and adorable girls!
Best of luck to you, Ashley on your medical/relationship journey! Thank you for your kind words 🙂
I am really at a loss for words. I was at a loss before googling “how to surviving dating a surgery resident”. By the end of this I had tears in my eyes. You may have saved me…us. I cannot thank you enough.
Ashley, thank you for your tender comment. Connect with me anytime you need encouragement. You can do this!
You pretty much nailed it. Thanks for putting all this down in words and will certainly pass it on I’m almost in the same boat. Just less one year research and one less kid! I think one of the best things we did was having me wake up with him every morning to connect. Even if I went back to sleep as soon as he left, that small conversation in the morning kept us connected. Texting has also helped a ton. When I don’t get txts I know it is crazy and a late night might happen.
Gayleen, excellent suggestions. Major kudos to you for getting up every morning with him. That’s hard to do. It really is nice to have that time together before the kids wake up and the day begins demanding. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the wonderful tips! My fiancé is a neurosurgical resident on his intern year and just proposed! Any tips for wedding planning during this crazy time? To add to the stress of it all we’re currently long distance and our families live in different cities than we are both in. Plus it will be a mixed cultural and religious ceremony with extra events in different cities to accommodate both families. Needless to say he is overwhelmed. Do I just take the reigns and try not to stress him by including him in the planning or will that just hurt the relationship?or do we just not have any hope haha…kidding but reading this makes me realize how crazy our situation is!
Hi Julia. Congratulations! How exciting to be getting married! I would just encourage you to talk a lot through this process. Make sure you understand each other’s differences with culture and religion and what may be expected or different in the wedding preparation/ceremony because of it. Find out how much he wants to/can be involved in the process and then check in often and make sure he is still okay with that arrangement. So glad you joined the Facebook group. Those members have great suggestions and tips and advice as well. I’d ask them to weigh in on this too. What a fun time! Congratulations again!
Thank you so much for writing this. I really appreciate it. My husband and I dated all through medical school and got married the week before he began his residency. I am working on my PhD in a different city (4+ hours away) and my husband is in a general surgery residency. It is really tough, but absolutely worth it for those precious moments we do get together. I appreciate you writing this. Such a down-to-earth and real perspective. (I write to you as I sit alone on Christmas, wondering when he’ll be back. I was feeling sorry for myself and then read your great post! Going for a run instead!) Thanks again!!
You are welcome! It can be so hard. I hope you had a nice run and were able to connect with your husband when he got back. Merry Christmas to you.
My fiance and I are both starting residency this July, but I am doing mine in the military, and he is doing his civilian gen surg residency 1.5 hours away. I sit here reading your article after an argument about this topic and if we really could last given the military addition, but this article was very reassuring. Thank you!! Any more advice for the military component and two spouses as physicians? Thank you again!
This is wonderful advice. We are 6 years past residency but my husband finished his army time at a small army community hospital where he worked 40-60 hour weeks (though he was deployed during that time), and began a very demanding job at a large university. It’s a great position and he loves his work and teaching residents, but our family has had to go back to longer hours, so it’s nice to read this again as a reminder to me! Wish I had had this advice back in 2005 🙂
These are great Kim, you are so good at identifying these experiences we all go through. #9 is huge, and one I need to remind myself of all the time. Keep up the good work, because you are helping and inspiring us all!
My fiancé started his surgical residency in July and it’s been a struggle to say the least. Thank you so much for your insight. So much of what you said resonates with me and I think I will be referring to this list often over the next decade!
Thank you, Kim, for writing this! As someone about to start medical school, and seriously considering surgery as my specialty, I was beginning to get VERY worried about the possibility of marrying starting a family with the woman I love. This has really inspired me with hope and confidence to pursue both a relationship and a demanding specialty, and not consider them mutually exclusive.
I think I could have written this exact article! We have done pretty much every single thing you have mentioned for the past 9 years of med school + general surgery training and our marriage is so much stronger for it. Thanks for sharing (and we also have 2 girls and 2 boys)! 🙂
Wow. I needed this very much. My husband is half way through year two of general surgery residency and boy am I struggling. I have a lot of work to do making sure my perspective changes and to learn to be flexible. I am also in the medial field as a PA, so our lives are very busy. I truly just miss him being around. We don’t have children yet , but I would like to get this right before we create more struggles. Thank you, thank you for sharing your wisdom and truths. You may never know how much this has helped us in our journey.
HI! I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend (1 day before he started med school) and I was googling “What it is like to date a med student?” and shaking in my boots worrying what the next few years would bring. So now that match day is approaching, I have been curious as to how dating a resident will be. Thank you for the optimism in a world full of cynicism. He is going into Ophthalmology and wanting to do a retina fellowship so it won’t be the most difficult or the longest journey, but like you said, there is no easy residency.