Question: We are second year medical students. Our first year of medical school was rough and we have lots of layers to our situation. One of them is that we have two kids under 4-years-old and we live 2000 miles away from family.
My main question is how to manage a relationship (romantic/connected/sexual and being vulnerable) with my spouse while being a “single mother” 6 days a week–tough skinned, independent, and positive? I feel as though I’m living in two worlds.
Answer:
Thank you for this question. I’ll bet that most people in a medical relationship have struggled with the same thing. How do you remain strong and independent while at the same time staying open and vulnerable?
Even outside of the medical profession, our society does not value vulnerability. We value independence and strength. Needing other people is seen as a flaw and for most of us, vulnerability is hard. When people talk about feeling vulnerable, they will often say, “I feel exposed,” or “It’s like I am naked.”
But we do need other people! We are hard-wired to connect. Humans are innately bonding creatures, and we never outgrow that.
The problem is, when you are in a medical relationship, needing your partner can be a catch-22. It’s hard to need someone who is often not available. Independence and self-sufficiency become necessary for survival, and eventually become a form of protection against disappointment and longing.
Here’s the conundrum though–if you do not maintain a level of openness and vulnerability, your relationship will eventually become one of parallel lives with no deep emotional, sexual or companionable connection.
I have six tips to help you keep that from happening:
1. Choose vulnerability
We all have a hard outer shell that we present to the world. It is the barrier that protects us from rejection and keeps us safe. We have to consciously choose to let others see the soft tender parts of our heart. It can be scary and hard, but it is the only way. It will not happen on its own.
2. Involve your partner in your daily life
While circumstances may require you to do many things independent of your partner, you do not have to do it alone. Make sure your spouse knows about your life. Take an interest in your partner’s work–whether that is work at the hospital, work as a stay-at-home parent, or work in another profession. Be curious. Seek to understand. Show that what he or she does every day matters to you.
3. Come together at the end of each day to reconnect
This is absolutely essential! Share your lives with each other–the good, the bad, and the ugly. Talk about what is hard without blaming or criticizing. Express love and appreciation. The more you walk an independent path–be it out of necessity or choice–the easier it becomes to disconnect and decide you are fine without each other. Make reconnection a priority.
4. Save special things to do together
You will certainly have to do some things without your spouse. If you wait around to do anything until he or she is home, you are bound to become frustrated and even resentful. But make an effort to save some events/activities for when he or she can participate. Some examples of this may be choosing to not go to that new restaurant with your girlfriends because you know your husband wanted to try it, or waiting to take the kids to that special exhibit because you want to include mom. Even waiting to watch the latest episode of your favorite TV show together can show your spouse that your time together is special to you.
5. Let your spouse do it “wrong”
Many non-medical partners tell me it is difficult for them to have an established way of doing things and then see their spouse do it all wrong or throw off the routine when he or she comes home and tries to help. If your partner is seldom home, he or she is guaranteed to get it wrong. Let them join in and participate anyway.
6. Allow your spouse to be the first to hear about important things
When I received my certification as an Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapist, I was beyond thrilled! I had spent years training and working on that process, and the only person in the whole world that I wanted to tell was my husband. Unfortunately, it would be three days before I had a chance to see him. I considered calling and telling him over the phone, but I wanted to tell him in person and see his reaction. So I waited. I didn’t tell anyone for three days! I knew if I told my mother or close friends it would lose part of the excitement, and he would get a watered down version. It was worth the wait!
Most of the time (because there are always exceptions) your spouse should be the first person to know if you are pregnant, where you matched for training, or who just offered you a job. These milestones are precious, and saving them for your spouse first is a way to show your partner that your relationship is precious, too.
