Sometimes it’s hard to figure out how to make date night successful when you’re both exhausted and have a lot going on. It can be easy to get caught up in thinking that you need to be extra creative for it to “count,” or that you have to go out and do something extravagant. But the truth is, sometimes the simplest things can be the most meaningful.
It’s worth considering why marriage therapists often recommend date nights. The best research in the field of marriage and family therapy, consistently supports that maintaining a strong connection with your partner is essential for a happy and successful marriage.
Connection, connection, connection.
Disconnection is the number one cause of divorce. What truly distinguishes couples who experience satisfaction in their relationship from those who don’t is a deep friendship and safe connection. When partners are able to truly listen to each other’s needs and desires, and respond with kindness and understanding, their bond grows stronger and more fulfilling over time. This requires both parties to be willing to put in the time and effort to understand and support each other, even when it may be difficult, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. It’s not about grand gestures or constant excitement, but rather the small moments of connection and support that build a strong foundation for a lasting friendship. Connection takes time and intention to build. Ultimately, it is this commitment to time, honesty, vulnerability, fun, and mutual respect that sets successful couples apart from those who struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships.
Connection takes contact, kindness, and consistency.
It’s true that building strong connections with others is not something that just happens by chance. We have to actively choose to invest in those relationships and then protect them as one of our most valuable assets. Because in reality, those connections are truly priceless.
Connection comes through contact.
We need to be fully present when connecting with others, whether emotionally or physically, so setting aside time for date night can be incredibly beneficial. Date night allows us to prioritize our relationships and create protected time for contact. It’s a chance to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. Holding hands and being physically close to your partner builds connection and emotional intimacy. Overall, date night becomes protected time reserved for you and your sweetheart to come together and reconnect.
Related: Why Touch Matters in Marriage
Connection comes from kindness.
As anyone in a relationship knows, contact alone is not enough. We can’t assume that simply sitting side by side will be enough to make us feel connected and loved!
Date nights should be a time to build and uplift the other person, as well as fortify the relationship.
It’s important to remember that contact alone is not enough in a relationship. We can’t assume that simply sitting side by side will be enough to make us feel connected and loved. Date nights should be a time to build and uplift the other person and fortify the relationship. I know of a couple who share a joint checking account where the husband works and the wife is a stay-at-home mom. Although they view the money as theirs collectively, every time they go out on a date, the husband pays. It’s a small gesture, but it shows that he values and respects his wife. She always thanks him for it.
According to the wife, the tradition of her husband paying for her dinner began when they were dating. She also mentioned that he still opens the door for her, just like he used to do when they first started seeing each other. While some women may not value these acts of chivalry, this wife finds them highly attractive and complimentary. She believes that her husband does these things out of love and respect, which makes her feel special and appreciated.
The kind and loving gestures that we often mindfully make during our first flirtations and dates can and should continue even after marriage. These small acts of affection and respect can make a big difference in building a strong and loving relationship that both partners can cherish.
Related: 50 Everyday ways to be Romantic
Connection takes consistency.
Knowing that date nights are important, how do we actually fit them into our schedules? Let me make a suggestion, based on life in my own family.
My kids take music lessons. They are scheduled at a certain time each week, and if we miss the lesson, I still pay for it. You better believe that we don’t miss lessons! I have made a commitment to the teacher to be there and a commitment to my children’s musical education. The only time we miss music lessons is for a real sickness or emergency.
Look for a time that you can consistently set aside to connect with your spouse. You might need to get creative in finding the perfect time. It doesn’t have to be a typical date night every Friday at 6:00. It could be lunch every Wednesday, a one-on-one breakfast on Saturday mornings, or Tuesday evenings after dropping off the kids at youth group. Regardless of what you choose, make sure it’s a time that you can consistently set aside and enjoy uninterrupted time with your partner.
Look for a time that you can consistently set aside to connect with your spouse. You might have to get creative. Maybe it is not date night every Friday at 6:00. Maybe it is lunch every Wednesday, or a one-on-one breakfast on Saturday mornings. Maybe it is Tuesday evenings after you drop the kids off at youth group.
Date night doesn’t mean you have to leave home. For instance, on Thursday nights, you could have the kids in their rooms by 7:30 and teach them to behave as if you’re not there. This way, you and your partner can order takeout, watch a movie, or snuggle and talk without any interruptions. The key is to make sure that you plan a specific time that you can consistently set aside for each other. Whether it’s Thursday nights or another time that works for you, make sure it’s a time that you both can enjoy together.
Ready to take action? Take ten minutes, right now, to think about five ways you can implement these three principles (contact, kindness, and consistency!) into your relationship.
Related: Are You too Busy for Your Marriage?
Related: Marriage Mission Statement
How do you start it if you haven’t done it in 35 years, kids already grown up, and hubby just wanting to stay home and watch tv?
Hi Lianne. You’re right. It is hard when other patterns have already been established. Is there anything the two of you have enjoyed doing together in the past or something you have talked about doing for years, but never got around to it? One thought is to start really small – 10 or 15 minutes. Walk around the neighborhood, run an errand together, etc. Sharing with your hubby how important he is to you and how much you value spending time with him may help him may also help. Let me know how it goes 🙂
Kim, these are great thoughts on connection. That is really what dating should be all about – connecting!
Lianne, Kim’s advice is perfect – start small. Walk the neighborhood, run an errand, etc. I call those micro-dates, and they can be very effective for breaking into dating again! I came up with 75 of those and shared them here: http://www.spousedates.com/75-micro-date-ideas/
Wishing you all the best, and happy dating!
Steve
Thanks Steve. These are great suggestions!
Thank you for your kind reply, Steve. I like the idea of micro-dates. I’ll have to be very creative, though. Only very few on your list would work for my hubby, but I’ll surely try those! Thanks!