A few weeks ago I posted a comment to twitter that sparked an interesting conversation. I said, “ALL relationships take significant work. The couples that make it look effortless, have made sacrifices to get it to that point.”
Someone commented that perhaps it wasn’t sacrifice, but rather dedication.
I agreed. Dedication is essential, but not sufficient. The cello master, Yo-Yoma, has not just dedicated his life to music, he has also had to give up many things in order to excel. I explained (in 140 characters or less of course), that marriage is no different. Our love, commitment, and dedication is reflected in sacrifice. We cannot expect to achieve safety, trust, and intense connection if we are not willing to give up other things. This means you may have to unfriend that old boyfriend from high school who keeps private messaging you on Facebook or not go out to lunch alone with your female colleague.
(NOTE: It’s easier to make these sacrifices in marriage when you feel cherished and connected. Learn more about how to create that kind of relationship here.)
President Reagan explained this well in a letter he wrote to his son, Michael, before Michael was to be married. Michael was adopted by Ronald and his first wife, Jane Wyman. That marriage ended in divorce and created difficulty for the children – as noted in this letter. Four years after the divorce, Ronald married Nancy Davis and their strong and committed relationship has been well documented over the years. They were very much in love with each other. I am confident it is because of this principle of sacrifice of which Reagan writes. My favorite line in this letter is when he explains, “There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.” The same is true for all of us. Each of us longs for that assurance that we are the best part of our partner’s day.
Michael Reagan
Manhattan Beach, California
June 1971Dear Mike:
Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won’t.
You’ve heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the “unhappy marrieds” and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.
Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn’t take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn’t ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.
Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.
Love,
Dad
P.S. You’ll never get in trouble if you say “I love you” at least once a day.
Source: Reagan: A Life in Letters edited by Skinner, Anderson, and Anderson, p. 60-61.
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