In many relationships, there are individuals who naturally take on the role of pursuers. These individuals have a deep yearning for emotional connection and closeness with their partners. Unlike withdrawers who tend to suppress their needs and emotions, pursuing partners are driven to address relationship issues. They are driven by an internal belief system that emphasizes the importance of open communication, sharing of emotions, and understanding as the path to resolving conflicts and strengthening the bond.
In this article, we will explore the underlying motivations behind why pursuers pursue and how their behaviors contribute to the dynamics of relationships. By gaining insights into their perspective, we can develop a deeper understanding of their needs and the challenges they face in their pursuit of emotional intimacy.
Pursuers are driven by a strong desire for connection and emotional intimacy. During disagreements, pursuers instinctively seek connection by moving closer to their partner. They prefer discussing the problem, addressing the issue and finding resolutions. They may feel uncomfortable with unresolved conflicts or unexpressed emotions and believe that pursuing their partner will lead to a resolution and a sense of emotional safety. Taking a step back or allowing time for emotions to settle can be challenging for them because the disconnection feels so distressing.
Because pursuers tend to be more comfortable expressing their emotions and discussing their feelings, they may view communication as the way to understand their partner better, address conflicts, and reaffirm their commitment to the relationship. Their reliance on communication as a way to maintain emotional closeness makes their partner’s withdrawal particularly distressing for them. The withdrawal triggers a sense of insecurity and intensifies their fear of disconnection.
Additionally, people who pursue their partners may have a fear of being left behind. This fear can cause them to constantly seek reassurance and closeness as a way to protect themselves from the potential pain of being abandoned. To avoid feeling disconnected, they often engage in pursuing behaviors to prevent any perceived threat of disconnection.
When communication breaks down and pursuers feel unheard or disconnected, the pursuing behavior can escalate and become negative. In their quest for emotional connection, pursuers may resort to intensified actions such as criticism, blame, or attempting to influence their partner’s behavior. This behavior is often driven by the pain and discomfort they feel when their partner withdraws, as they desperately seek to avoid feeling alone and abandoned. Although this response may seem counterintuitive, it’s important to recognize that for pursuers, any response is better than no response.
Understanding the motivations behind pursuing behavior is crucial in navigating relationship dynamics. The key to remember is that pursuing behavior stems from a genuine longing for emotional closeness and a deep desire to maintain a secure and fulfilling relationship. Recognizing and appreciating this underlying intention can help you develop greater empathy and improved communication. The goal is to understand that both of you are hurting and find the space to uncover the underlying reasons for the hurt and need to protect yourselves.
I encourage you to read more about why withdrawers withdraw and how emotionally focused therapy can help you break these negative feedback loops. If you are ready to actively break these cycles in your relationship, learn more about intensive couples therapy.
