Passive Aggression: Poison for Relationships

 

You’ve heard the term “passive aggression,” but do you really know what it means.  Can you accurately identify it in your relationships? In yourself? Do you know how to handle relationships where one person is consistently passive aggressive?

One of my favorite illustrations of passive aggression comes from the Disney movie Tangled.  It is the story of Rapunzel being taken from her home as an infant and raised in an inescapable tower by Gotham, a wicked witch who pretends to be her mother.  In order to get in and out of the tower, Gotham calls to Rapunzel to let her long blond hair down the tower wall so that Gotham can hang onto it while Rapunzel pulls her up. One day Gotham climbs through the window and finds Rapunzel winded from her effort to pull Gotham up. Her “mother” sympathetically looks at Rapunzel and comments how hard it must be to have to do that and how tired she must feel. Trying to be a good sport, Rapunzel denies the effort it takes and tells her “mother” that it is fine – to which Gotham replies in a sickeningly sweet voice, “Well then, I don’t know why it takes you so long dear.”

To me, that is the one of the best images I can give you of passive aggression!

Passive aggression is behavior that is mean and hurtful but is done in such a way that the person can deny all culpability. Had Rapunzel said to Gotham, “Well that wasn’t very nice,” Gotham would have replied, “What do you mean? I wasn’t being unkind. I was specifically commenting on how hard it must be for you to pull me up. When you said it wasn’t hard I was just wondering about the time it takes, but I wasn’t being mean!”

We all know people who are passive aggressive. If we were to be honest, we probably all have the tendency to be passive aggressive ourselves. I know there are times I can be passive aggressive. Passive aggression is like poison to relationships. When we experience other people who are passive aggressive towards us, it often makes us feel belittled and angry. Because we talk about relationships all the time at our house, we often talk about passive aggressive behavior. It is common for us to point out to each other when one of us is acting that way in our home. Recently, one of my daughters has been in several situations with highly passive aggressive adults. On one occasion, I picked her up from an activity and she burst into tears declaring, “I hate it when people are passive aggressive!! IT’S SO MEAN!”

So how do we accurately identify passive aggression (rather than throw the term around without really understanding it) and how do we deal with people who act that way? In the past, when I have been around people who are passive aggressive, I have defined it as “crazy making.” Passive aggression creates such an unsettling internal feeling that it often feels crazy. It is almost like the individual is kindly coaxing us towards them only to slap us when we get there.

There really are only three ways to deal with people who are passive aggressive.

1. Avoid the person altogether.

While that may avoid contention, it also eliminates the possibility for improved relationships. We may not want to cut ties to the relationship – or we may not be able to fully avoid them.

2. Understand the behavior and tell yourself the truth while it is happening.

Unfortunately, this has to be the case with my daughter who is dealing with adults who act this way. Due to the nature of the circumstance, she cannot say anything or avoid them. We frequently process the situation together and make sense of it for her so it does not feel so crazy and out of control. There are some people and some situations that require this as the only option.

3. Set boundaries with the passive aggressive individual.

The difficulty with this option is that the very nature of passive aggression is such that the offender can deny all culpability. If they cannot (or will not) take responsibility for their behavior in the relationship, it can be difficult to set boundaries. Know though that without boundaries, they will most likely continue the behavior.

It can be hard to realize that you have some control over the way others treat you. One way is to stand up to passive aggressive behavior. I offer the caution that you can’t beat passive aggression with passive aggression. As you learn to understand and set boundaries against the hurtful behaviors of other people, avoid the temptation to justify your own negative behavior in return.