You’ve probably heard the term passive aggression, but do you truly understand what it means? Can you accurately spot it in your relationships—or even in yourself? And perhaps most importantly, do you know how to navigate relationships with someone who consistently displays passive-aggressive behavior?
A Perfect Example of Passive Aggression
One of my favorite illustrations of passive aggression comes from the Disney movie Tangled. It’s the story of Rapunzel, who is kidnapped as a baby and raised in an isolated tower by Gothel, a manipulative witch posing as her mother. To enter and exit the tower, Gothel calls on Rapunzel to let down her long, golden hair, which Gothel uses as a rope to climb up.
One day, after pulling Gothel up, Rapunzel is clearly winded from the effort. Gothel notices her fatigue and, in a syrupy sweet tone, comments on how difficult it must be for Rapunzel to do this. Trying to be polite, Rapunzel denies the strain, brushing it off as no big deal. Gothel, smiling sweetly, responds, “Well then, I don’t know why it takes you so long, dear.”
For me, this scene is the epitome of passive aggression.
What Is Passive Aggression?
Passive aggression is behavior that is hurtful, undermining, or mean—but delivered in such a subtle or disguised way that the person can deny responsibility. If Rapunzel had called Gothel out by saying, “That wasn’t very nice,” Gothel could have feigned innocence, responding with something like, “What do you mean? I wasn’t being unkind. I was just commenting on how hard it must be for you! When you said it wasn’t, I only wondered aloud why it takes so long. I wasn’t being mean!”
Sound familiar? Most of us know someone who exhibits this kind of behavior. And if we’re being honest, we’ve probably been guilty of passive aggression ourselves at times. I know I have. It’s something we regularly talk about in my household because passive aggression is like poison to relationships—it corrodes trust and breeds resentment.
The Impact of Passive Aggression
When we’re on the receiving end of passive aggression, it can leave us feeling belittled, angry, and confused. It’s a “crazy-making” experience, as the subtlety of the attack often leaves us second-guessing ourselves. Passive aggression can feel like someone kindly beckoning us closer, only to slap us when we arrive. The dissonance between their words and their underlying intent creates a deep sense of unease.
Recently, one of my daughters encountered several highly passive-aggressive adults in her life. After one particularly tough interaction, she burst into tears when I picked her up, exclaiming, “I hate it when people are passive-aggressive! IT’S SO MEAN!” And she’s right—it is.
How to Identify and Address Passive Aggression
So how do we accurately identify passive aggression, rather than mislabeling behavior out of frustration? And how do we handle people who consistently act this way?
- Recognize the Pattern: Passive aggression often disguises hostility as sweetness or concern. Pay attention to behaviors that leave you feeling undermined or subtly attacked. If you consistently feel confused or unsettled by someone’s words or actions, passive aggression might be at play.
- Call It Out: If it feels safe, address the behavior calmly. Use “I” statements to focus on how the behavior affects you, such as, “When you said [specific comment], I felt [emotion]. It’s confusing to me because it feels like there’s a hidden criticism behind your words.” This approach encourages a more honest conversation without being confrontational.
- Set Boundaries: If someone’s passive aggression becomes a recurring issue, it’s essential to protect your emotional well-being. Let them know their behavior is hurtful and outline what you will and won’t tolerate in the relationship.
- Check Yourself: Reflect on your own actions. Are there moments when you’ve used passive aggression to express frustration or dissatisfaction? Practicing direct and honest communication can help break the cycle in your relationships.
