Dear Parents,
What an exciting opportunity for you to see your son or daughter progressing in his or her career as a physician! You are the ones that were there, encouraging this process for years: reading bedtime stories, attending parent-teacher conferences, helping with hours of homework and those dreaded yearly science fair projects, and teaching those all-important life skills (no red socks with the white laundry!) that formal schooling just doesn’t cover. As a mother of four, I can only imagine how rewarding it will be to see all of that hard work pay off when my own children are grown!
I want to share my thoughts with you because I know how challenging this path is for your child, and how hard it is for you as a parent to know how to help and connect with him or her in this stage of life.
I work as a marriage therapist with physician couples. The couples I work with frequently share concern over their inability to explain their particular challenges to extended family. I’m sure you, too, are struggling to understand, and, in truth, I don’t have any perfect answer. It’s really hard for any of us to know what someone else struggles with. We can imagine, but we really don’t know!
Here’s what I do know. My husband is a surgeon. We have been through 13 years of medical training during our marriage, and know the hardships that process brings to immediate and extended families. And what I have learned over the years is this: parents and in-laws generally want to be supportive, but aren’t sure how. And medical couples generally want to have a relationship with their extended family, but, as I’m sure you remember from your own relationship with parents and in-laws, balancing a healthy home life, work life, and relationships with extended family can be very difficult.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way!
To that end, I have seven suggestions to help you know how to build stronger relationships and support your married son or daughter through medical training.
1. Assume they are doing their best.
I know there are a lot of taxing professions out there. Life is busy and stressful for everyone. But I know of few more taxing endeavors than that of becoming a physician. The main challenge is simply the seemingly endless amount of time it takes up! 13 years of working 80-100+ hours a week is exhausting and overwhelming. Your child wants to do well in all areas of his life. He or she wants to make you proud.
Your opinion matters to him or her, because you matter so much!
But there will be times when your child will not be able to respond, show up, or engage the way you wish they could. When this happens, simply begin by assuming that they are truly doing their best.
2. Express understanding.
There will be many times when your son/daughter is unable to attend a wedding, make it home for Christmas, or stay for the whole family reunion. It is okay to express disappointment and a desire for them to be present, but make sure it is couched in understanding.
Expressing disappointment as a way of manipulating the situation is passive aggression, and that destroys relationships. Expressing disappointment with understanding strengthens relationships, makes your child feel loved, and draws your son or daughter closer to you. “I know tickets are really expensive and you couldn’t get the time off of work. Thank you for trying, and for being open with us. We will really miss you and wish you could be here to join us.”
3. Offer your help and support in the ways they need most.
We are all really good at offering help and support in the way we would have needed help and support. It is easy to imagine that someone we brought up might have similar needs to our own–and anyway, that’s the golden rule, right? Do unto others as you would have done unto you?
But the golden rule is flawed. Not everyone needs help and support the same way we do. Observe the areas that are most stressful for your child, and ask if there is anything you can do to help.
4. Support their marriage.
If you want your son or daughter to be successful, do whatever you can to support their marriage! People who are happily married are healthier, happier, and more successful than those who struggle in their relationships. The greatest influence on your child’s success at this point is the quality of his or her marriage!
Support your son or daughter-in-law–even if you don’t like him/her. Love him/her because your child loves him/her.
Conflict with in-laws is one of the main issues couples come to therapy to discuss. Do whatever you can to avoid adding contention to their relationship. Day-to-day life is hard enough with one (or both) partners working so hard, and so much. Love and support instead: Offer to watch their children so they can get away together. Gift marriage therapy or programs for Christmas or birthdays. Few couples go to their parents or in-laws with marital problems–yet many couples come to me overwhelmed because they need therapy and can’t afford it. Every couple should be engaged in some marital support each year–especially couples with such demanding lives.
5. Support their family time.
Your child will have very limited time off, especially during the training years of medical school, residency, and fellowship. Encourage him or her to use that time to build their little family.
Encourage your son or daughter to start his or her own family traditions, and respect it if one of your past traditions must change to allow that to happen. This is one of the most selfless and loving things you can do for your child. It truly is a gift.
6. Speak highly of your son/daughter-in-law.
True story: Before we got married, my mother told me if anything were to ever happen in our relationship, my family was keeping my husband! Her joke really makes me smile, because I knew from the beginning that they loved and supported the man I had chosen. Whenever we are around other people, I hear both my parents speaking highly of my husband and treating him with such respect. What that really shows me is how much they love and value me.
It doesn’t matter how rotten your son- or daughter-in-law may be, never speak poorly of him/her to other people. Rise above that. Hopefully, in turn, he or she will learn to give you the same level or respect.
7. Remember that training will pass.
There will come a time when all the training is over and life becomes easier for your child. Focus now on doing things that will keep your relationship strong then. That way when they begin to have a lighter schedule and more freedom from work, they want to spend more time with you and the rest of the family.
Your child continues to need your love and support–even as an adult.
This week, reach out to your son or daughter and express that love and support. Consider three things you can do over the next month to build that relationship.
What specific ways have you found helpful to keep your relationship strong with your son or daughter in medical training?
I’m in medical school and for a couple years I’ve been searching for an article or book I could give my parents to help them understand. This is fantastic. Thanks Kim!