If All My Mistakes Were Headlines

Three-year-old and five-year-old boys drive moving truck into neighbor’s yard barely missing the house.

It’s true. Two years ago our boys climbed into the moving truck while we were loading it and knocked the faulty gear shifter out of park and disengaged the emergency brake. There were no keys in the truck and we didn’t realize they had climbed in. All we knew was that the truck was rolling down our driveway, straight towards our neighbor’s house. What a scary parenting moment to chase after a runaway moving truck knowing your two youngest children are inside of it. Luckily my husband caught the truck, climbed in and hit the brakes before any damage was done. But the story could have ended much differently. And if it had, I’m sure it would have made the headlines. And perhaps the obituaries.

I have been deeply troubled the last few weeks . . . months . . . years really. But the last few weeks have resurfaced many of my feelings again.

As a society, we are so quick to criticize and condemn other people. The fact that we can say mean and hurtful things without seeing the impact they have on other people has given us the false liberty to tear others apart. As I’ve contemplated these things, I’ve thought of three truths that help me LoveBetter.

1. Their story could be my story

Recently, I heard a woman give a talk about the millions of refugees throughout the world. She talked about the women and children without homes, jobs, or even sufficient food and medical care. And then she challenged all of us to remember that their story could be our story.

I don’t know why I was born in America with opportunities and a chance for an education. I don’t know why our family has been spared the tragedies that affect so much of humanity. But one thing I know is that their story could be my story. It could be me. And if it were me, I would not want to be condemned for it. I would hope that others would have compassion. I would hope that others would see my heart.

It’s easy to hear the news of a mother that forgets her child in a hot car and proudly declare that you would never do such a horrific thing. But the truth is, you could. All of us could. Or the mother whose child fell into a gorilla pen. Guess what, I’ve lost a child before and it wasn’t because I was being ignorant or irresponsible. It just happened. But I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have my child found by someone who would take him away from me. My story could have had a different ending though.

I’ve also visited Orlando with small children and let my two-year-old son wander a short distance from me while taking a walk. Lucky for me, he was attacked by fire ants, not an alligator. I didn’t know he was going to stumble upon a fire ant hill or of course, we would have walked somewhere else. But he did, and it was dramatic, not tragic. And lucky for us didn’t make the headlines.

But it could have been different. It could have been an alligator. And I could have been the mother mourning the loss of my child while at the same time being ridiculed on social media. Her story could have been mine.

2.  My job as a parent is to teach empathy, not judgment and hate.

When I was in Jerusalem for a study abroad, I picked up a newspaper that showed a picture of a father teaching his young son to point his toy gun through a chain linked fence towards their enemy. At an early age, this child was learning that it was acceptable–even expected for him to hate.

When your children hear you criticize and condemn other people, they are learning the same lesson. Instead of him hearing you say, “Can you believe that parent would . . .,” how much more effective for your child’s development would it be for him to hear you say, “What a tragedy. My heart hurts for those parents. I can’t even imagine what they are going through right now.”

Some dear friends of ours used to have a sign hanging in their entry way that read, “Your name is safe in our home.” That has become one of our family mottos. It doesn’t matter who you are–if we know you personally or not–your name is safe in our home. That means we are not going to discuss your poor parenting skills over dinner. We are not going to talk about how disruptive your children are at church. We are not going to criticize the way you handled a situation or suggest that we would have done a better job. It also means that if we are around and your name comes up in a negative way, we are going to defend it.

The one exception to defending your name may come if you do something horrific like kill 50 people in a mass shooting. We will not defend your name that time. But we will also not contribute to the hateful rhetoric about your race or religion. Rather we will talk about the tragedy and the many families who are grieving. We will talk about the many people who helped–the doctors, the police officers, the citizens who came out in support. We will mourn with the families who are devastated and grieve with those who now live in fear. But we will not fill our home with hate.

3.  Most of us are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are in.

I want you to honestly do something for me right now. Pause for just a moment and think about the worst tragedy that could possibly come to your family. Have you got it in your mind? Now I want you to consider it plastered across the news and social media with millions of people commenting on how you were perhaps to blame for that tragedy; how such a thing would never happen to them.

In my role as a therapist, I have had the opportunity to look into the hearts of great people who have made terrible mistakes. There may have been a time I believed I was immune to the tragic choices people make. Not anymore. Now I understand that most of us are doing the best we can with the circumstances we have been given. We don’t need continual shaming from one another. We need love and support. We need help. We need the freedom to show up and be vulnerable and authentic and not be afraid of what someone else might say behind our backs if we show them we don’t have it all put together.

Sometimes we fall short. It’s in those times that I choose to understand and admit that I can relate to not always getting it right either.

Sometimes tragic accidents are just that–accidents. I choose to recognize that their story could be my story and mourn with them rather than condemn them.

And sometimes horrific things happen because of the stone cold hearts of other people. But I refuse to take the easy way out and begin to darken my heart with the same hate that fills theirs. Instead, I will do as Mr. Rogers’ mother counseled and “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

So today, I recommitted myself to doing these three things.  

First, to make my home a safe place for the names of other people. To refuse to gossip, condemn, categorize, and judge. This means refusing to participate in social media shaming and when I see it happening, to take a stand against it. The end result is an increased capacity to love–which ultimately fills life with greater happiness and meaning.

The second is to let others see my struggles too. To take greater risks to show up and be real. Doing so gives other people permission to do the same. If you’re up for it, leave me a comment telling me what your worst parenting moment headline would read.

Third, to rewatch this YouTube Video. When a friend sent it to me, I wasn’t sure I was interested in watching it. Today, as I rewatched it again, I am so grateful for the perspective she offers.  Even when we think we remember there is a person behind our condemnation, we really don’t understand what is happening for them.  One of my favorite lines from the video is perhaps we all need to “Walk a mile in someone else’s headline.”

Leave me a comment and tell me what happened for you as you watched it.

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