Coreen Roebuck* had just moved for her husband’s residency when she woke up realizing she was going to lose their baby. At 13 weeks pregnant, she knew there was no other reason for her cramping and bleeding. “I was so scared,” she told me at our first session.
*Disclaimer: As with all stories I share, I have changed names and identifying information to protect the clients’ privacy.
“We had waited through medical school for me to get pregnant. I had some complications as a teenager, and my doctor had warned me I may have trouble having children. I didn’t want to put off having kids until he was finished with training. We were both pleasantly shocked when it only took four months to get pregnant.”
That’s when her voice began filling with emotion. “At the moment, I wasn’t just scared about the miscarriage,” She told me. I was afraid I may never get the chance to carry a baby again.”
She stopped, swallowed, and looked out the window for a moment, collecting herself.
“I immediately tried to call my husband,” she explained. “He usually couldn’t answer when I called, but he would call me back when he was available.”
“I had never called him more than once, but that morning, I called 15 times! It would ring, I’d get voicemail, hang up and call again. Over and over, and he still didn’t answer. I even tried power-paging him, but he didn’t respond to me.”
“I had chosen an OB, but my first appointment was weeks away. They referred me to the emergency room because I wasn’t an established patient. We didn’t have money for me to go to the emergency room. Besides, I didn’t want to show up at the hospital with everyone he worked with.”
“My closest friend or family member was more than 1,000 miles away. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. I couldn’t call and tell them now.”
“As I lay crying on the cold tile floor, I realized I was going to lose my baby, and I was completely alone.”
Are You There for Me?
Knowing that our partner will be there for us when we need them is one of the most crucial elements of a successful relationship.
A common source of hurt in relationships is when you feel you cannot count on your spouse to be there when you need him or her because of a career or other interest gets in the way.
This is exactly what Coreen Roebuck felt when she and her husband Jesse came to see me for marriage counseling.
“He chose what mattered most,” Coreen told me in an emotionless voice. “And it wasn’t me.”
But her words didn’t match her tone or expression. It was almost as if she had said those things to herself so many times, and now she was numb to how much they hurt. In order to manage the hurt, she tried to distance her emotions from reality.
“I’ve just come to accept it,” Coreen shrugged. “It’s just the way things are.”
“But you wish they were different?” I asked.
“I’ve always wanted to matter to Jesse. That’s why I married him. There was a time I felt like I mattered. But that day, I realized I had been replaced – he chose his career over our baby. Over our family. Over me.”
Two Apologies that Just Don’t Work
“It doesn’t matter what I say,” Jesse interrupted. “ I have tried apologizing a hundred times, and it doesn’t help. She’s never angry or unkind, but I can tell something has changed. Like she doesn’t trust me as she used to.”
Jesse didn’t understand that this mistrust continued to plague them despite of his sincere and repeated apologies for one simple but profound reason – not all apologies are created equally.
Not All Apologies Are Created Equally
The hard truth is most apologies are superficial.
When you say, “I’m sorry,” your purpose—at least in part—is to relieve a sense of guilt and wrongdoing. There is nothing in a simple “I’m sorry” to offer comfort or reassurance to your partner. It doesn’t show him that he matters, that you understand how he feels, or that you are sorry you hurt him. It doesn’t indicate how you want to make it right. This Level 1 apology is about trying to make yourself feel better end the conversation so you can wash your hands of it and move on.
It is hard to accept that our actions can hurt other people. We all want to get things right; when we don’t, it is natural to feel defensive. But that defensive stance blocks our ability to feel empathy and apologize on a level that is healing for the relationship.
You may have heard that it helps to apologize with empathy, acknowledging how the other person must have felt. I call this a Level 2 Apology. Jesse told me he had tried this too.
“I told her I was sorry she felt so alone and that she was scared.” He looked at Coreen. “I really am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you are so sad about losing the baby.”
I could tell Jesse was sincere, but Coreen only gave him a sad smile. It was obvious that she had heard that apology before. While she appreciated the gesture, it wasn’t enough to restore trust and connection. Jesse could sense this without her even saying anything.
He looked at me bewildered and hopeless and said, “Nothing I say can make this better!”
Most people would think his was an adequate apology. He said he was sorry. He even acknowledged how she felt. In many ways, it was sweet and thoughtful.
There is still something missing. These last two elements set a Level 3 Apology apart from the other two.
Vulnerability and Presence
For an apology to be the most effective, the injured partner needs to know their partner understands their pain, and that their pain impacts their partner. It’s not enough to acknowledge that the injured partner was sad, hurt, or embarrassed. They must know that their sadness, hurt, or embarrassment matters to their spouse. Matters enough, in fact, that they are anxious to help alleviate it.
This requires the last two ingredients of an effective apology: vulnerability and presence.
These two elements form the switch which takes you from merely understanding someone’s pain to being so impacted by it that you want to do something about it.
While your brain is wired to feel empathy, you are capable of blocking these emotions. You have to allow the empathic response to take shape. Most of us are frequently exposed to the suffering of others. We pass the homeless man on the corner and feel sorry for him, but aren’t motivated to improve his circumstance beyond a handful of loose change. Flipping the vulnerability and presence switch is a choice. The choice not to turn comes from our emotional discomfort making us want to turn away instead.
When you show your partner your vulnerability and your desire to make things right, hearts begin to heal. Presence is crucial because these attachment injuries often come from a real or perceived abandonment during a time of need. Presence communicates that you know you weren’t there for your partner when he or she needed you, but you are there now.
With these three elements: empathy, vulnerability, and presence, you have all the ingredients for an apology that can heal hurts and restore trust and confidence.
***
So let’s go back to our story of Coreen and Jesse. I could see Jesse’s desperation to comfort his wife and his frustration at his inability to reach her.
“Jesse,” I asked, “what happens for you when you hear your wife say she was lying on the cold bathroom floor scared and alone?”
That’s when his face softened, and he looked down at his hands.
“I feel sick inside,” he told me. This was all my fault. I’m the one who screwed up and didn’t stand up and leave the conference to take her call. It is because of me,” he says as his voice begins to crack, “that she was lying there scared and alone. I was at the hospital taking care of other patients while my wife was home needing me to take care of her. I was totally unavailable.”
I leaned in and said, “Jesse, I don’t think she knows that. Could you turn and share that with her?”
“Oh, Coreen,” he said, looking up with deep sadness and regret, “I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I moved you to a city without any friends or family and that you didn’t even have a doctor. I am ashamed that I was worried about my attendings getting angry at me for leaving the conference to take your call. I’m ashamed that I wasn’t there to comfort you and that instead, you were scared and alone. I wish I could go back to that moment and do it differently. If I had known, I would have done it differently.”
At that, Coreen began sobbing and fell into his chest.
How to Apologize – A Level 3 Apology
It is this apology—an apology with empathy, vulnerability and presence—that had the power to heal disconnection and bring them back to each other. When you show up and let your partner know how his or her pain impacts you, then you have the ability to effectively heal hurts. Remember, it is the attachment significance that matters.
The healing that took place between Jesse and Coreen was a result of him offering this Level 3 Apology. The same three important messages in his Level 3 Apology will offer reassurance to your partner when you apologize to him or her. These messages are:
- Empathy: I see your hurt.
- Vulnerability: Your hurt hurts me.
- Presence: I wasn’t there for you, but I am here now.
Have you ever been the recipient of an insufficient apology? Have there been times when you needed to apologize that would have been more effective if you had approached it differently? Does your partner deserve a sincere and vulnerable apology from you right now?
Perhaps you were quick to criticize your partner when she came home late again, not knowing that she had spent the last several hours coding a patient in the ICU or explaining a child’s new cancer diagnosis to his mother.
We all will mess up and hurt our partners. The key to a fulfilling relationship is learning how to repair those hurts as quickly and as effectively as possible. This week, challenge yourself to apologize with empathy and vulnerability, and see if brings the two of you closer.
