Maybe it was at a bridal shower or your wedding reception, or maybe it was written within a congratulation card from an old neighbor or during a heart to heart conversation with your grandmother before the big day, but I’m guessing that somewhere along the line, you were told that the key to a successful marriage is to never go to bed angry.
I think that is the most common marriage advice and at the same time, one of the worst.
Anyone who has been in a relationship long enough has had one of those late nights where the discussion is dragging on, feelings have been hurt, and the resolution feels nowhere in sight. The later it gets, the more hurt and angry you become. And yet, the old adage plays in the back of your mind that you can’t go to bed until it is resolved. Sometimes it may not even be driven by past advice, but rather a real unsettled feeling that you can’t sleep until things are resolved. Yet the longer you stay at it, the more you go around and around the same issue without arriving at a solution. It’s true that couples who table the discussion, go to bed, and then do not make attempts to resolve it the next day are more likely to jump right back into the angry, negative cycle the next time the topic comes up. Research has found, however, that a good night sleep can actually help you reason and problem solve better, as well as have more control over your own emotional reactions. There is a good chance you’ll come to a better, more lasting and connecting solution after a good night’s sleep than you would at 2 am.
The trick here is to not necessarily go to bed angry and resentful, but rather attempt to hit the pause button with a determined effort to come back to it again – even if it still feels hard.
So next time, when faced with an important and emotionally charged discussion before bed, communicate to your partner that it is really important to you to work things out, but that you want to talk about it again tomorrow.
Communicating a specific time to address the issue shows your commitment to resolving the conflict and ensures your partner knows you care about their concerns. By providing a concrete timeframe, such as “tomorrow morning over breakfast” or “tomorrow when you get home from work, we can go for a walk and talk about this,” you are setting expectations and showing that you are dedicated to engaging in a constructive conversation.
This approach helps alleviate any concerns your partner may have about being dismissed or avoided. It shows that you value their perspective and are actively making time to address the issue together. Providing a specific time also allows both of you to mentally prepare and approach the discussion with a calmer and more focused mindset.
