Most people assume that couples get divorced because they fall out of love with each other. In most cases, lack of love is not the reason for divorce. The number one cause for divorce is disconnection and growing apart.
Disconnection doesn’t happen all at once. It is a cumulation of micro-rejections – seemingly small and insignificant ways we reject each other – often unconsciously – over days, weeks, months, and years. It’s what we may refer to as the proverbial death by a thousand paper cuts.
In my experience, couples are usually unaware of the extent of their micro-rejections and the consequences to their partner and the marriage. As you read the following examples, consider how often you engage in micro-rejection towards your partner:
While certainly not an exhaustive list, some examples of micro-rejection include:
- Withholding Affection: A simple hug, kiss, or even a warm smile can convey love and affection. When a partner consistently withholds non-sexual physical touch, it can lead to feelings of rejection.
- Ignoring Emotional Needs: Over time, persistent emotional neglect can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness in the neglected partner. They may feel like they have no one to turn to for emotional support or connection within the relationship.
- Being Distracted: Constantly checking your phone or engaging in other distractions during conversations can make your partner feel unimportant or unheard.
- Overlooking Contributions: Failing to recognize, give credit to, or express appreciation for your partner’s contributions to the household, parenting, or shared responsibilities can lead to feelings invisible and devalued.
- Finding Fault: Constantly seeking for and pointing out your partner’s character flaws or shortcomings can lead to emotional distance and resentment. Over time, it erodes trust and can even diminish your partner’s self-esteem.
- Selective Attention: When one partner consistently pays attention to or prioritizes others over their significant other, it can make the partner feel unimportant or neglected.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness often stems from a focus on self-preservation rather than empathizing with your partner’s feelings. It can convey that you prioritize protecting yourself over understanding and connecting with your partner emotionally.
- Interrupting or Talking Over: Constantly interrupting or talking over your partner during conversations can convey a lack of respect for their thoughts and opinions.
- Ignoring Texts or Calls: Deliberately ignoring messages or calls from your partner without a valid reason can make them feel unimportant or dismissed.
- Withholding Information: Keeping secrets or withholding important information from your partner can create a sense of exclusion and mistrust.
- Lack of Follow-Through: Making promises or commitments and consistently failing to follow through can erode trust and make your partner feel unimportant.
- Comparisons: Constantly comparing your partner to others, whether it’s their appearance, achievements, or qualities, can make them feel inadequate or unappreciated.
- Comparing to Past Relationships: Frequently comparing your current partner to exes, even if not explicitly, can make them feel like they’re living in someone else’s shadow and will never measure up as someone you want.
- Passive-Aggressive Comments: Making subtle, sarcastic, or under-the-breath negative comments can be extremely toxic. Especially when it is done in a way that you can deny you meant any harm.
- Emotional Withdrawal: Going silent or emotionally withdrawing during conflicts or disagreements can leave your partner feeling isolated and unheard.
- Neglecting Physical Intimacy: Avoiding physical intimacy or consistently turning down advances without explanation can create feelings of rejection and hurt.
- Undermining Choices: Criticizing your partner’s choices, from what they wear to their career decisions, can damage their self-esteem and create resentment.
- Neglecting Special Occasions: Forgetting or downplaying important occasions like birthdays or anniversaries can convey a lack of care and consideration for your partner’s feelings.
- Dismissive Body Language: Rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or turning away when your partner is speaking, sighing heavily can convey a lack of interest or respect for their opinions.
- Making Decisions Unilaterally: Making significant decisions without consulting your partner, such as financial choices or changes to the household, can make them feel excluded, unloved, and disempowered.
- Ignoring Input: Disregarding your partner’s input or ideas in group settings or when making joint decisions can convey a lack of respect for their perspective.
- Overlooking Achievements: Failing to acknowledge your partner’s accomplishments or milestones, whether big or small, can make them feel like their efforts go unnoticed.
- Blocking Interests: Belittling, making fun of, or refusing to participate in your partner’s hobbies, interests, or passions can diminish their enthusiasm and make them feel unsupported.
- Neglecting Compliments: Failing to give compliments or acknowledgments for your partner’s appearance, achievements, or efforts can make them feel unattractive or unappreciated.
- Exclusion from Social Events: Regularly excluding your partner from social gatherings or activities with friends and family can make them feel isolated and unimportant in your life.
- Dismissing Concerns: Brushing off your partner’s concerns or problems as unimportant or unwarranted can leave them feeling unheard and unsupported.
- Micromanaging: Constantly critiquing or controlling your partner’s actions, from how they cook to how they organize their day, can convey a lack of trust and autonomy.
- Emotional Infidelity: Developing close emotional connections with someone outside the relationship while neglecting your partner’s emotional needs can create feelings of betrayal and rejection.
- Disregarding Preferences: Ignoring your partner’s preferences, such as food choices or leisure activities, in favor of your own can make them feel unimportant and unconsidered.
- Not Apologizing: Refusing to apologize or take responsibility for your mistakes can make your partner feel like their feelings or needs don’t matter.
- Ignoring Requests: Ignoring or procrastinating on requests or favors made by a partner suggests that their needs are not a priority.
- Canceling Plans: Frequently canceling or changing plans at the last minute without a valid reason, can make your partner feel overlooked and dismissed.
- One-Sided Conversations: Dominating conversations with your own thoughts and opinions without giving your partner the opportunity to contribute or be heard communicates that what they think and feel is insignificant.
- Failure to Listen Actively: Not actively listening when your partner is sharing their thoughts or feelings can make them feel invisible or what they have to say is unimportant.
- Inconsiderate Behavior: Engaging in inconsiderate behavior, such as leaving messes for a partner to clean up or being consistently late without a valid reason sends the message that your partner is irrelevant.
It’s important to remember that these subtle behaviors, when repeated over time, can erode trust, emotional intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction. If you notice these micro-rejections in your relationship, I’d encourage you to consider a marriage retreat to learn how to more effectively communicate and restore the connection in your relationship.
