10 More Medical Marriage Tips – Guest Post

Guest Post by Maria Eniss

After posting Surviving Residency: The 10 Things I Learned While My Husband was a General Surgery Resident, I received an email from a friend of mine and fellow surgeon’s wife.  Maria Ennis is the wife of a Critical Care/Trauma Surgeon and is the mother of five.

She was already a couple of years into residency when we met and our husbands began working together.  A couple of things always impressed me about Maria.  While her husband was working crazy hours, she was able to continue her work as a NICU nurse on a very part-time basis.  She worked when she wanted to, yet had the flexibility to manage her family at the same time.  

The other thing that will always stick with me about Maria is that she was always serving other people.  Always.  It was common to have Maria show up on your doorstep with homemade soup and rolls, a box of old baby clothes she no longer needed, or a plate of cookies.  She has an amazing ability to observe those around her and somehow manage to make their lives easier–all while managing her own family and balancing the demands of her husband’s career.  She has generously offered to share the ten things she has learned being married to a surgeon–both during residency and now as an attending.

Here are Maria’s top ten tips:

1.  Saying yes to something means you are saying NO to something else.

This gem came from one of my husband Toby’s partners right after we started into practice.  He said: Make sure you are saying yes to the most important things in life.  For us, this has translated into having healthy boundaries.  Yes, there are times my husband can’t say NO, but if he can he does–because it means he is saying YES to our family and me.  He also checks with me before saying YES to extra stuff at work.  This stall tactic also gives him time to really determine in his mind if it’s worth doing.

2. Take time outs daily. 

In the Operating Room, before every surgery a doctor will ever perform, he or she is required to stop everyone, quiet the room, and make sure they have the right patient, they are doing the right surgery, and that they are performing it on the right site.  It’s also a time to make sure everyone knows where they are going and what the end will look like.

We try to do this same thing several times a day in our relationship.  Am I okay? Is he okay? Are we going in the same direction, and do we have an end planned?  For us that planned end usually translates to: When are we going to connect again?  (Best estimate of course!)

3. Use a tourniquet for a quick fix, and then come up with a permanent one.

The truth is, your marriage is going to have rough days.  There will be moments where you are in crisis and you need your spouse, but unfortunately, being married to a physician means that other people are also in crisis and need your spouse.  And sometimes, those times are going to overlap.

What we have found to be the best solution for this problem is to put a temporary “tourniquet” on it, and come back to it when we can.

I recall having one of those days where nothing went right: kids upset, babies crying, car having issues, bad weather, and then Toby and I got off on the wrong foot.  I was mad, resentful, and annoyed.  Toby called a bit later and “tourniquet-ized” it.  He validated my feelings, set a time to come back and talk about it later, and reminded me that I was doing my best–and that my best was all I was required to do.

Important note:  Tourniquets are not meant to be permanent fixes.  Don’t forget to come back and address it, or it will come back as a bigger problem.

4. Perfect doesn’t exist. 

Give up the idea that somehow it’s all going to be “perfect” someday!  You married the best person at the time.  Problems will happen, bumps will occur, and some days you will wonder “What was I thinking marrying a doctor?”

Remember, we are only asked to do our best today.  Sometimes Today’s Best looks nothing like my actual best, but Today it is the best I can do.  I try hard to give myself credit for the kind of best I did today.  I also try to see that my spouse is trying to be the best he can Today. It’s a journey, and a very long one at that.  Just do your best TODAY.

5.  Become your best self.

Stop waiting until your spouse is done with training!  Develop yourself! What do you love to do?  What makes you happy?  Take time to get to know yourself with all your extra time alone.  Chances are, there are things hidden away in your memory that you forgot you enjoyed doing.

I’ve found that if I am happy with who I am, and I take charge of my own happiness, that what my husband is or isn’t doing doesn’t affect me as much.  I’ve also found that it makes my spouse happy when I am happy.  He loves me, and he wants the best for me.

A man a church told me a year ago that marriage is a commitment/covenant to bring your best self to the relationship every day.  If you and your spouse consciously try to be your best selves, both of you will be happier.

6.  If you’re feeling it, chances are your spouse is too. 

I find that if I am lonely, my spouse is usually feeling that way too.  If I am overwhelmed with the chaos we call life, chances are my spouse is, too.

About a year ago I complained that I was so lonely.  I spent the day changing diapers, wiping bums, feeding kids, changing diapers, picking up, feeding kids, and repeat.  I expressed my feelings that he was lucky he got to be away from home and be with PEOPLE all day. He quickly corrected me and said, “Being with PEOPLE is not the same as being connected.   I get just as lonely as you do.  I want to be home with you on those late nights.”

That was eye opening for me!  Since then, if I am feeling sad, lonely, or overwhelmed I remind myself that my spouse is too.  I make every effort to connect with him.  I even sneak out after the kids are in bed and go visit for 30 minutes just to talk to him and have his undivided attention. (Mind you, I have an older child at home to watch over the younger ones!)  Some of our best talks and decisions have been made at 10:30 at night, sitting in his office talking.

7.  Connect, Connect, Connect.

Shortly after my husband started as an attending, I found myself completely overwhelmed by how much he worked and how little time we had together.  (And some of that time happens has to be shared with children–so that means our one-on-one time is even less!)

I remember sitting in a counselor’s office, explaining how much my spouse worked and how unavailable he was while he was at work.  The counselor gave me a great answer. He said, “I’m not sure how to help you.  But I can tell you, you need to connect.  Take it any way you can get it.  Find minutes, texts, emails, quick calls, lunch dates in the cafeteria.  Be as creative as you need to be but CONNECT.”

This has proven to be great advice.  My spouse wants to be with me, and I want to be with him–but that’s not always feasible.  Make every connection count.  It’s worth it.

8.  Celebrate each other’s successes. 

I use to think I was JUST a stay-at-home-mom.  That I didn’t do anything special.  Until one day, we were sitting at dinner with our children, talking about the day.  The conversation turned to how amazing dad is, and how he saves lives and how cool he is.  Then one of our children commented, “Mom isn’t very important. She doesn’t make money like you and she doesn’t save lives either!”

My heart sank and for a brief moment I realized that I believed that, too.

Then my husband stopped everything and everyone at the table and said, “That’s NOT true!”  He went on to say, “Your mother is the reason I am able to be successful at what I do.”  He then explained that I support him and love him, and that he couldn’t possibly do everything that needs to get done: laundry, grocery shopping, bathing little kids, cleaning house and on and on.

At that moment I realized I was successful at being a mom and a wife.  I worked hard at it.  I make it possible for my husband to be a success, so his success is truly my success because I love him, support him, and sacrifice for him.

9.  Incorporate your spouse into your home life.

When my kids were little I felt strongly about daily routines and structure.  Usually my kids were happier when we followed some sort of schedule.  The problem with being married to a doctor is that there is no control over their schedules!

I recall many times having my husband say to me, “I’m sorry I disrupt the routine.” And to some extent he did.  He wasn’t home much during residency and fellowship, so when he was it was special and the kids would get excited and hyper.  Bedtime became long and drawn out and everyone was clamoring for dad’s attention.  I, too, wanted my husband’s attention!

We’ve tried several things over the years to really include Toby when he can be home with us.  Some that have worked well for us are are:

1. Let the kids have bedtime snack while dad eats dinner.  My husband would get home very late, and we never waited to eat with him.  So, to ensure that everyone got a minute, we ate a snack with dad and talked about the day.

2. I let my husband tuck the kids into bed when he’s home.  This allows him a few minutes to visit one-on-one with each kid.  (It also gives me a break!)

3.  Job charts.  I have older kids, and after a while they recognized that dad didn’t have jobs around the house. They would complain that it wasn’t fair–we’re a family, and everyone has to help out. So I made a job chart that included Dad.  (Of course, he agreed on his jobs!)  In truth, they are things he already does, so we just wrote them down–like Sunday night dishes.  This has helped the kids see his involvement with the care of our home.

4.  I sometimes run errands in the evening.  This gives me a break and allows all the kids time with Dad.  Then when I get home, I help put everyone to bed and then he and I have time to visit and talk without endless doors opening and kids coming out of bed to visit.

5.  Special one-on-one time with dad.  My husband makes an effort when he’s home to have time with each kid alone. (This can’t happen every time, so he usually has to rotate.) He’ll take one to the store with him or to help with things he is working on.  He even takes the older kids to the hospital with him sometimes to see patients.  He also makes a point to explain that he needs MOM time too, and lets them know when its Mom’s turn to go out with Dad.

6. Work and play together.  We’ve found the great need for all of us to have fun.  We’ve made it part of our routine.  I’m usually exhausted and ready for a break by the end of the day, and to be honest my husband is tired and ready for a break, too.  We try hard to plan for regular fun when he’s home.  Of course we have to get things done, too, but we put limits on those must-dos so we can have fun together and make great memories.  (For us, these are simple things like drives, walks, bike rides, trips to get ice cream, park visits, and movie nights.)

We’ve found that making him a meaningful part of our daily life helps us all stay close and in touch as a family.

10.  Calendar together weekly.

This seems kind of odd as a tip to strengthen your marriage, but it has really worked for us.  Each week we set aside some time to talk, discuss what’s gone on, what’s going to go on, and how we are going to coordinate our very busy, very chaotic life.

This has also helped me put into perspective what exactly my husband does at work.  For a long time my mind thought he just left home to go to the hospital, and that there he had some free time.  I know that might sound a little odd, but that’s what I thought, and I often felt resentful and as if I did everything.

By calendaring together I have learned what most of his days really look like.  For example: he has clinic Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, he has meetings every Wednesday morning, and they go for several hours.  He sits on committees and reviews medical students, on top of operating, seeing patients in the emergency room, and teaching.

It also helped my husband see that I drive kids all over town, attend school activities, work on projects, and coordinate the lives of our 5 kids.  We’ve gained greater empathy for each other.

And of course, this also helps my husband plan for when he can attend our kids’ activities and pitch in for them: sports, dance recitals, swim meets, driving them to school, etc.

We also try to look ahead about once a month and see when he needs to get time off so we can plan to take a vacation.  If we don’t plan it and make time for it, it doesn’t happen!

If you are in a medical marriage and haven’t had a chance already, I invite you to join Maria and hundreds of other couples on our Nurturing Medical Marriages™ Facebook Group.

Maria has been married to her husband, Toby for almost 20 years.  They have 5 children ranging in age from 14-3.  They married in undergrad and she supported him through medical school while working as a nurse. They then moved across the country where he did his General Surgery Residency and his Acute Care Surgery Fellowship in North Carolina.  They now live in Utah where her husband practices at the University of Utah.  “It’s been an amazing journey and I’ve learned so much about myself through the process of being a medical wife.  It isn’t always easy but it can be done.”