There have been several studies done trying to understand medical marriages and relationship satisfaction. In one study, researchers found that most partners/spouses (86.8%) were happy and satisfied in their relationship.
A happy young couple relaxing together
They also found that the number one predictor of relationship satisfaction was the amount of time a couple spent together (and awake!) each day. Physician specialty, work hours, and practice setting didn’t seem to matter–just the number of nights on call per week.
Interesting, isn’t it?
A fellow surgeon’s wife and friend of mine from residency, comments on this need to connect.
She says, “Shortly after my husband started as an attending I was completely overwhelmed by how much he worked and how little time we had. Some of that time has to be shared with children, so it makes that time even less. I remember sitting in a counselor’s office explaining how much my spouse worked and how unavailable he was while he was at work. He gave me a great answer: I’m not sure how to help you. But I can tell you, you need to connect. Take it any way you can get it. Find minutes, texts, emails, quick calls, lunch dates in the cafeteria. Be as creative as you need to be but CONNECT. This has proven to be great advice. My spouse wants to be with me, and I want to be with him but that’s not always feasible. Make every connection count. It’s worth it.”
In my research in medical marriages, I have found that the couples who have the most resilient, connected relationships are the ones that are intentional in their time together. There are at least four ways to focus on intentionality in your relationship.
1. Make Time Together Count
This one is key. Because time is so valuable, carefully budgeting and planning the use of it is extremely helpful. With other valuable resources like money, you look at how much you have, allocate certain amounts to obligations (bills, mortgage) and then carefully budget the rest to your top priorities (savings, vacation fund, dinner dates, etc.).
When you budget your time, not only it is less likely to be wasted, but you are also less likely to reach the end of the month and wonder where it all went. Like your money, some of your time will be promised to obligations (work, driving kids to and from school, etc.). But planning your discretionary time will allow you to give it to things that matter to you (date night, family dinners, enjoying the outdoors, or other connection-strengthening activities) rather than watching it slip through your fingers as innumerable volunteer opportunities, moonlighting gigs, or even casual minutes spent scrolling through the internet stealthily steal it away.
Make time together count. Try to make everyone else in the family available when the physician spouse is home–get off the phone, send the neighbor kids home, decline girls’ night activities, etc. Do the best you can to be on the same page with household schedules and responsibilities to maximize time together. This will likely mean saying no to other things and potentially disappointing other people. Make peace with the fact that not everyone will understand or support your decisions.
2. Eliminate Work Related Distractions as Much as Possible
I’m going to let you in a little secret… If you respond to work at all hours of the day and night, people at work will expect you to respond at all hours of the day and night! But if you set boundaries on the times of day that you send email, answer texts, or pick up the phone, they will learn not to expect those things from you at off-work times. I am not naive to the fact that sometimes you are on call and have to respond to a patient or nurse. That’s just part of the job. But there are many non-urgent things that get in the way of what matters most. Put away the computer. Turn off the cell phone. Read the journal article another time. Give your time to the people you love whenever you can.
3. Put it on the Calendar
You should have a date night written on your calendar every week! Every week, people! At least two and half hours that you spend together without any other distractions. I promise that is possible–even with super crazy schedules. There may be a week or two where you cannot squeeze it in, but that should be the rare exception rather than the rule. The secret is to put it on the calendar first. If you wait to pencil a date in once the week is full, you’ll seldom find an empty space. Make time for the two of you the top priority, and schedule it first. Today, sit down and schedule out four weeks of dates. At our house, it’s easy for both of us to get tired and overwhelmed that the thought of coming up with something when it is date night be feel like too much and we fall back into the dinner and a movie option. Take some time today to be intentional and plan something FUN for the next four weeks.
4. Find shared interests and goals outside of medicine.
Medicine is a part of your life–not your whole life. I know it feels like your whole life, but with intentional effort, you can find other areas of interest that can help you connect. So right now, I want you to pull out your phone, open your notes app, and type three things you know your partner is interested in. Now type in three more things that are common interests you share. (Seriously, do this. I’ll wait. I promise it is more helpful if you actually write it down.)
Now choose one of those interests that you want to invest more time in right now. So often we get stuck in “all-or-nothing.” Either we can train for a marathon together because we both love running, or we can’t run together at all until our kids are older. or We both love golfing, but who has money for that right now? We’ll have to wait until we can have a country club membership. Look at the interest you share or that your partner has that you are willing to get more involved in and find a way to incorporate that into your date nights. You may not be able to play 36 holes at the country club, but you can hit a bucket of balls on a Friday night. Or you may find that a two-hour run together is a better way to connect tonight than dinner and a movie.
Here’s my challenge to you–so often we get these articles in our inboxes or we read them online and think they are great ideas and then don’t do anything about it. I encourage you this week to be intentional. To make the effort to apply this information and strengthen the connection in your relationship. I promise it’s worth it!
