Finding a job–especially that first “real job” out of medical training–is stressful and exciting all at the same time. You’ve both sacrificed for so many years and are anxious to have the hard times come to an end. For many physician couples, the task of finding that golden goose “package deal” is filled with anxiety.
Smiling young couple lying on floor of new flat
It is also a time when many couples struggle to make the big decisions together and work as a team.
After all the years a non-medical spouse spends supporting his or her physician partner through training, it can be extremely hurtful to be left out of the decision-making process when it comes time to find a job. This first job will impact the whole family–the friends your children will make, the schools they will attend, the church and community you will become a part of, and the available job opportunities for the non-physician partner. Additionally, both partners’ satisfaction at work, as well as their career’s commitments and demands, will have a significant impact on the rest of the family. To be able to handle this transition with grace and connectedness, you need to take on the job-hunt as a team!
Here are five tips to help you make the decision together:
1. Determine the states/areas in which you are both willing to live.
Are there certain states or locales that would present a real hardship for you or your partner? For example, there is one state in the US that does not recognize the national marriage and family therapy licensing exam. If my husband and I were to move to that state, I would have to sit for another exam in order to be licensed. While I am not completely opposed to that, it would be hurtful if my husband did not acknowledge and consult me before choosing a job that required that sacrifice on my part.
Many other professions are impacted by similar issues. Does your partner want to sit for a new state bar exam? Does his or her chosen career have opportunities in all the cities you are pursuing? Are there climate issues or distance to extended family that impact your desired location? Value the input and desires of your partner as you choose where to live.
2. Go to interviews together.
I find it very telling when a potential practice offers to fly both partners out for an interview. It may not happen for the first interview, but it should certainly happen before you are asked to make a final decision. Both partners need to feel confident before anyone signs a contract.
Traveling together will give the non-medical spouse an opportunity to meet the physician partner’s potential colleagues and ask any questions that he or she may have. While you’re there, set up opportunities to meet with a Realtor and visit local neighborhoods and schools. Physicians, encourage your spouse to connect with AMA Alliance members in your new area to receive support and get a feel for what life there would be like for your family.
3. Openly share your concerns or desires.
You cannot expect your partner to read your mind, or even to remember concerns you may have brought up in the past. Know that if your partner doesn’t remember qualms you have voiced, that is not an indication that your concerns are not important to him or her. It may just mean that there are so many things to consider that previous conversations have been buried in the influx of new information.
If you have concerns about practice setting, call responsibility, reimbursement, work hours, or anything else, respectfully bring those up–even if you have talked about them in the past.
4. Encourage and lift your partner.
In a relationship, it is your job to be your partner’s number one fan. As you are both looking for new jobs, encourage and build each other up. Offer support and encouragement before job interviews, and kindness and respect when they don’t go well.
There is a tremendous amount of pressure on physicians to find the “right job.” Spouses–know that your physician partner wants to get it right and make you proud! He or she is very cognizant of the student loan debt looming over your family, and of his or her responsibility to provide. Be supportive, and make sure your own stress does not come out in ways that sound critical or blaming towards your spouse. The message your partner needs to hear right now is that he or she is good enough for you.
5. Make final decisions together.
Neither partner should ever accept a job without first consulting the other. Ever. Nor should you accept the job without the support and agreement of your partner. This is your life together! It’s about trust and connection, companionship and loyalty. If you are not happy in your marriage, you will be less successful and less fulfilled at work.
If compromises have to be made, make sure they are not all one-sided. Non-medical partners–don’t pull the “sacrifice” card to get what you want! You may have given up a lot to support your spouse through medical training, but please don’t use that to push your partner to take a job that only you want him or her to have. You didn’t make all those sacrifices for your partner to end up unhappy at work. You sacrificed so your partner could love going to work every day.
Physicians, don’t pull out your own trump cards, either! It might be tempting to say, “This is my career, I need to take whichever job I want.” The truth is, there have been lots of sacrifices to get to this point–from both of you. Both partners deserve equal voice in the final decision. Weigh each other’s hopes and concerns fairly, and then make this exciting new choice–together.
What tips have you learned to make decisions together and work as a team? Leave a comment below to help support other couples in similar situations!
