In 2009, Gary Chapman coined the phrase, “Love Languages” with the publication of his book, “The Five Love Languages.”
A love language is a way someone hears and interprets love.
Just like a verbal language in which someone understands another’s intentions, meaning, and message.
If I were to speak to my partner in Japanese, he would not understand a word I was saying. Likewise, when we speak love to our partner in a love language they cannot interpret, most of the time, they will miss the message we are trying to convey.
Chapman suggest that there are five main love languages: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Touch, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation. Most of us have a main love language, but we can also give and receive love in other ways.
Look at the following examples below and see which of these descriptions best fit your desire for love and affection:
1. Quality Time: Spending time together talking, taking walks, snuggling up and watching a movie, or spending the evening enjoying dinner together.
2. Acts of Service: If it really lights your fire when your husband cleans the toilets or folds the laundry, acts of service may be your love language.
3. Touch: Any touch – including non-sexual. Holding hands, back rubs, laying his hand on the small of your back as you walk through a door, or gently resting his hand on your knee when he sits next to you
4. Gifts: Does your partner bring you flowers or leave you little love notes? Do you continually hope for those little trinkets or tokens of affection? Often for those who speak the love language of gifts, the gifts themselves are not measured in value, but rather in frequency.
5. Words of Affirmation: Do you feel completed when you hear your partner tell you he is proud of you or that you are beautiful? What about when you are frightened or unsettled, does it encourage and calm you to have him remind you verbally of how important you are to him and how he views you?
Many people think that if love languages are not the same, than a couple is not compatible, but that is entirely false. Recent research in the field of adult love relationships sheds light on many of the mysteries of romance and connection.
We now understand that the most important factor in a relationship is that each partner feel valued, sufficient, and safe.
When our effort is to effectively convey that message to our partner, our focus shifts to not just expressing our love, but making sure our partner can hear and understand it.
Once we know our own love language, it is our job to communicate that clearly to our partner so they don’t waste their time and energy communicating something we don’t understand. Then we need to make an effort to genuinely understand how our partner receives love and work to fulfill that – even if it is not the way we would be automatically inclined to show it.
As we become more securely connected, we are able to give and receive love more universally across each love language. We recognize the efforts our partner is making, and we accept and appreciate those efforts – even if it is not in our primary language.
Remember not to get discouraged if your partner has been missing those things that are most important to you. It is probably just a language barrier and it is very possible to overcome it. Let your partner know you really want to get it right for him and your effort will motivate and help him feel the same way towards you.
