Even before beginning medical school, my husband and I were introduced to the “it gets better” perspective. An attending physician’s wife encouragingly told me medical training was worth it, but it was hard. “When it gets hard,” she told me, “just remember that it does get better.”
Our first year of medical school I was a young mother with a brand new baby and a busy toddler. There were many times I relied on that idea – that with time, it would get better.
Before that year was through, however, I began to understand that “it gets better” wasn’t really going to happen for a very long time. At least not in the way I understood the original advice. I started counting the years ahead and measuring the ages of our children against the corresponding years in training. It is probably a good thing that we did not really know how long the training process would last when we started. I don’t think either of us could have envisioned our oldest child being 14 when my husband finally finished training and took his first “it gets better” job.
We quickly realized that putting our life on hold until training was over would be a big mistake. We would miss out on priceless time with our young children and a large portion of our own lives. I guess it makes sense why research has found that postponed gratification is a cause of distress in medical marriages and why it may contribute to physician burnout and disillusionment with their profession.
As a marriage therapist, I see the other end of the “it gets better” mindset. So often couples hang on to the hope that training is the problem and as soon as they get finished, everything will magically improve. When they realize “it gets different,” but not necessarily better, they often crash.
That doesn’t mean #itsnothard or #donotexpectbetter, but it is an attempt to find the good in NOW – even when it is hard. It does mean this is your life and you deserve to live it and find joy now – not at some arbitrary date when training is finished.
I hope you’ll join me in promoting the #itsgoodnow mindset!
Ways you can help:
- Print a sign and take a picture showing how you are living #itsgoodnow.
- Post your picture to the Nurturing Medical Marriages™ Facebook Group and other social media sites.
- If you’re willing to let me share your picture on this site, upload your #itsgoodnow photo here
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Here’s to #itsgoodnow!
