A couple of weeks ago, I walked downstairs to find my kids had made waffles for breakfast. Our two girls love to cook, but they occasionally forget to clean up after themselves. It only took three seconds for me to assess the mess and go looking for the kids. When I found them, the first thing I said was, “Will you please go clean up your mess in the kitchen?” A few minutes later, I was talking to the oldest about some other things she needed to do when she said, “You know, you haven’t even said good morning to me. Everything out of your mouth this morning is pointing out things I’m doing wrong.”
She was right. And the worst part was realizing it probably happened a lot more often than I was aware.
I started asking myself, “How often do I deliberately speak kindly to my husband and children?”
I realized my children often hear correction, direction, and aggravation, not affection, appreciation, and validation. That wasn’t the home I wanted them raised in. That wasn’t the mom I wanted to be.
Can you relate? How often do you deliberately speak kindly to your spouse and children? I’m willing to bet it is something we can all improve. I have five simple tricks that will help.
Say Good Morning
If I pick up the phone before ten o’clock, I always say, “Good morning, this is Kim.” If I see someone on a walk or at the store, I always say, “Good morning.” But somewhere along the way, I stopped saying ‘good morning’ to my family members. Have your first interaction with the people that matter most be a friendly greeting.
Say I Love You
Many of my clients tell me that saying “I Love You” was something they never did in their family growing up. As adults, it is now hard to do with their spouse and children. It’s easy to justify our own discomfort by concluding ‘they already know I love them,’ but those words are powerful and necessary. Say I love you! And say it often!
Express Appreciation and Praise
Sometimes we assume we shouldn’t have to express appreciation or offer praise for jobs and behavior that are expected. One client told me, “I shouldn’t have to thank my children for making their bed or tell them good job for doing the dishes. Those are expectations for all members of the family. It feels like coddling to thank or praise them for those things.” I get it. It can feel like coddling. But let me ask you this–when was the last time your partner or kids thanked you for making dinner? Did it matter to you that they acknowledged your effort? Did you appreciate that they liked what you cooked and told you it tasted good? Of course, it mattered. Your spouse and kids need that appreciation and praise as well.
- Thank you for mowing the lawn.
- I appreciate you working so hard to support our family.
- I noticed you making an effort to not get mad at your brother this afternoon. Thanks for being a peacemaker.
- Thank you for doing the dishes the first time I asked.
- You look really nice for school today.
Watch Your Tone, Volume, and Facial Expressions
Speaking kindly is not just about the words. Too often we use mean looks, critical and condescending tones, and raised voices to get our message of disapproval across. Choose to lower your voice. I have heard teachers and parents say, “I yell because that is how they know I am serious or in charge, and then they do what I say.” The problem with that line of thinking is that then the children are trained to never respond unless you are yelling. Lower your voice. Rather than shout across the room, walk over to the child, make eye contact, and speak kindly. And when you feel the need to furrow your brow and purse your lips so they will know how upset you are, remember that you don’t want those wrinkle lines or the consequences to your relationships.
Start Over
There will be times you realize your words or tone are sharper than you want them to be. That’s okay. It happens to all of us. Just stop and apologize, “I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I’m sorry that sounded so critical,” and then deliver your message in different words and with a different tone.
This week, at the beginning and end of every day, ask yourself, “How often do I deliberately speak kindly to my husband and children?” Make a post-it note for your bathroom mirror or car dashboard reminding you to speak kindly. Then notice the ripple effect of how your words, tone, and looks influence the whole spirit in your home.
