This week I started preparing for a presentation I’m giving to a large women’s organization. The main topic is depression and mental health. This is a topic our society does not talk about enough. We all struggle with feeling down and discouraged. Sometimes that discouragement can be debilitating.
There are a couple of different schools of thought on how to deal with depression. One of them is using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). If you can change your thoughts, you can change your feelings. Recently, science has helped us understand that emotions, however, come before thoughts. For example, when you hear a noise in the kitchen while lying in bed at night, you immediately feel afraid and alert before your thoughts start to kick in. It’s possible that you might think there’s an intruder in your house and feel unsafe, or you might remind yourself that it’s just the dog getting into the garbage can after everyone is in bed.
I bet you’ve noticed how one negative feeling can lead to a cycle of negative thoughts. For instance, let’s say you feel scared because you think there’s an intruder in your house. That fear can lead to more thoughts about how to keep your family safe, which can then lead to even more fear. It’s easy to get caught up in this cycle, which is why it’s important to identify and understand our initial emotions before they spiral out of control.
Sometimes when we’re feeling down or not good enough, we tend to dwell on negative thoughts that only add to our pain. We might even start believing these thoughts, even though they aren’t true. It’s hard to see past these thoughts on our own, which is where cognitive strategies can come in handy. While they may not solve the root of the problem, these strategies can help us keep our thoughts from spiraling out of control.
There are at least 11 ways our negative thoughts can get the best of us.
All or nothing thinking
It’s common to fall into the trap of all or nothing thinking, where we see things only in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. This mindset doesn’t allow for any middle ground – no gray areas, and it can be damaging to our self-esteem and view of others. If we believe that we or others must be perfect all the time to avoid being a failure, we’ll never be able to see the good in ourselves or others. It’s important to recognize that perfection is impossible, and that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
Overgeneralization
Do you ever noticed yourself using absolutes – terms like “always” or “never?” I always get it wrong. I never get invited to parties. My husband never pays attention to me. It’s easy to feel defeated when you overgeneralize other peoples’ behavior or your own failures.
Mental Filter
Have you ever noticed that sometimes you focus only on the negative aspects of a situation and completely ignore all the positive things? This is called a mental filter. Just like a physical filter only lets certain things pass through, a mental filter can limit your perspective and prevent you from seeing the bigger picture. For instance, if your boss gives you a glowing annual review but offers one suggestion for improvement, you may obsess over that one suggestion and completely dismiss all of the positive feedback. It’s important to recognize when you’re using a mental filter and try to shift your focus to the positive aspects of a situation. This can help you maintain a more balanced and realistic perspective, ultimately leading to greater happiness and success.
Dismissing the Positive
This is slightly different than the mental filter. Dismissing the positive refers more to rejecting whole experiences insisting that they “don’t count.” Even if we do well on something, we still have doubts and tell ourselves that it wasn’t good enough or that we simply got lucky. It’s important to recognize and appreciate the positives in life, no matter how small they may seem.
Jumping to Conclusions
It’s common for people to jump to conclusions without realizing it. One way this happens is through mind reading, where we assume we know what others are thinking. I know everyone in the room was thinking I was a bad parent when my child started to misbehave.
Another way we can fall into this trap is by fortune telling or predicting a negative outcome without any factual evidence to support our assumptions. For example, thinking that no one will talk to you at a social event and you’ll end up alone in the corner all night with people thinking you’re a loser.
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing is thinking something is significantly worse than it actually is. It is expecting disaster to strike – worst-case scenario. We do this with current situations as well as future ones. For instance, the builder made a mistake on our new home, now the structure of the house is not sound, it’s going to cost us thousands of dollars to fix and even then I don’t know if the home will be safe to live in.
If I don’t do well on this exam, I’ll fail the class and then I’ll never get into college and I’ll never get a good job and then I’ll end up homeless for the rest of my life.
Emotional Reasoning
Awareness of emotional reasoning and how it can impact our thoughts and perceptions is essential. When we let our emotions take over, we may assume that our feelings accurately reflect reality. For example, if you hear a noise in the kitchen and feel afraid, it’s easy to assume that someone is there, even if that’s not the case. Similarly, if you feel self-conscious about your appearance or weight, it’s important to recognize that these emotions may not be based on the truth. Sometimes, we may feel like a situation is unfair, and we assume it’s because others don’t like us and want to harm us. Although emotional reasoning can be challenging, taking a step back and looking at the situation objectively is helpful to avoid making unwarranted assumptions.
“Should” Statements
Should statements directed to ourselves lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
I should read to my kids every night. The house should always be spotless if someone comes over. I should always say yes if someone wants my help, even if I’m already stretched so thin.
Should statements towards other people often lead to anger and resentment.
I have told him a hundred times how towels should be folded and he still does it wrong.
She should have dinner ready when I get home from work.
Labeling
When things don’t go as planned, it’s common to make sweeping assumptions about ourselves and others. Rather than accepting that we made a mistake, we might label ourselves as stupid or incompetent. And when we attach labels to other people, we’re not only being unfair, but we’re also setting ourselves up for anger and resentment. Labeling others can even lead to justifying our own inappropriate behavior towards them.
Blame (self and other)
Self-blame is when you hold yourself responsible for a situation that is out of your control. If we didn’t leave the kids with a babysitter, our son would have never fallen off the bunk bed and broken his arm. It’s all my fault.
Some people blame other people for their problems instead of accepting responsibility for their role in the situation. If my son had married someone different, our family would be closer.
If he were a better husband, I wouldn’t get so angry at the kids.
Blame causes a lot of resentment on both sides.
Keeping score with God
Some people judge their worth by the blessings they feel they have received from God. They also compare their own blessings and perceived level of righteousness to other people. Sally has a good husband, maybe I wasn’t righteous enough to deserve someone who would love me.
I don’t understand why she is depressed. Maybe she just needs to have more faith.
Some people evaluate their worth based on the blessings they believe they have received from a higher power. They often compare their own perceived level of righteousness and blessings to those of others. Sally has a good husband, maybe I wasn’t righteous enough to deserve someone who would love me.
This can be one of the hardest cognitive distortions to overcome especially when this idea is perpetuated within religious circles. Many people have been taught that experiencing trials or difficulties means there is something wrong with them, and that only good things come to those who are good. However, this oversimplification of life’s complexities is not accurate.
The good news is that when you recognize these cognitive distortions, you can begin to change them. This month, I encourage you to pay close attention to how often you jump to these irrational thoughts. As you train your mind to think in a more rational and positive way, it will be helpful to write these distortions down and then right the accurate thought next to it.
Begin by asking, “Is that true?” Then play the other side of the debate and see if you can prove yourself wrong.
I should play with my kids all day or I am a bad mom.
Correction: Is that true?
Yes! If I were a good mom, I would play with my kids all the time.
Is that really true? Throughout the history of the world, how many mothers played with their children all day long? What are the other things I do that positively impact my kids? How does it hurt them to learn to play alone?
You’ll probably find some overlap between the cognitive distortions. Try and untangle them and see how you arrived at the thoughts that are keeping you stuck in negativity and self-doubt.
As you begin to work through these cognitive distortions, you will find greater peace and happiness and your relationships will improve.
For more suggestions on how to overcome cognitive distortions, see David Burns’s bestselling book Feeling Good.
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