Forgiveness can be a challenging concept, especially when we’ve been hurt deeply by someone we trusted. It’s normal to worry that by forgiving them, we’re essentially telling them that their behavior was okay. It can feel like we’re giving them a free pass and leaving ourselves vulnerable to being hurt again.
It’s true. Forgiveness is vulnerable. Forgiveness can be scary.
Appropriate, Level 3 Apologies creates the space for forgiveness. It’s important to remember that forgiveness is a process, and it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened or pretend that everything is okay. You still get to choose whether or not you want to rebuild connection. I often find my clients do want to let go of the anger and resentment and learn to trust again. They just don’t know how.
Let me illustrate this with an example from one of my couples. As with all stories I share, I have changed names and identifying information to protect the clients’ privacy.
The couple I was working with, let’s call them Suzette and Paul, had been distressed for over five years when they came to see me. Suzette was a radiation oncologist, and Paul worked in technology. They had three teenagers that kept them busy with football, tennis, after-school clubs, and music lessons. They had become great at co-managing the home but, for the last five years, had no intimacy and no deep connection.
It became easier and easier for Paul to turn to his co-worker for connection than to Suzette. While it never turned sexual, Paul admitted it was an emotional affair. Suzette was devastated when she found out. She knew they were having problems but never suspected that. Perhaps the most hurtful part for her was knowing that Paul was opening up to someone else when he had put up so many walls to push Suzette away.
Once Paul understood the depth of Suzette’s hurt, he wept. He was deeply sorry for the pain he had caused her and wanted to make things right, but Suzette couldn’t move past it. Finally, she said to me, “I just can’t let it in. I can’t. If I do, I’ll put myself in a vulnerable situation and get hurt again.”
I said, “Suzette, as Paul was telling you how sorry he was and how much it hurt him now to see the pain he has caused you, I saw a soft and tender look on your face. But then it quickly changed. Almost like there is part of you that can hear his regret and shame, yet there is another part that says, “don’t trust. Don’t trust. Don’t trust.” Is that right?
She explained that was exactly what was happening for her. “It’s like I hear what he is saying, and my heart hurts for him too, but then I tell myself I am the one that is supposed to be hurt and angry. He did this to me.”
“Suzette,” I said, “I wonder, what would happen if right now you could listen to that part of you that hears his regret and shame? I know there is that other part that says don’t trust. But that part of you that can hear his regret and shame, what does that part of you need from him?”
She hesitated for a moment and then quietly said, “I just need him to hold me.” Paul quickly reached out and put his arms around her, and Suzette began to weep.
When you are working on forgiving, there are often conflicting parts inside you. Part of you wants to believe, and another part is afraid to trust. Pay attention to those two parts. I know it will be a risk, but I encourage you to do that hard thing and listen to that part of your heart that is willing to forgive. Suzette got what she needed—comfort and reassurance from Paul—when she let herself feel those tender, more vulnerable feelings.
When your partner has done something hurtful, it threatens the connection and safety which creates pain. Restoring the connection brings healing and forgiveness and space for restitution.
Even partners in strong relationships will inevitably get that wrong sometimes and hurt each other. One thing that sets master couples apart from distressed couples is not their lack of hurt or misunderstanding but rather their ability to repair these hurts and reconnect.
*If you are trying to overcome a deep hurt such as an affair or betrayal, you will most likely need the help of a marriage therapist. Those kinds of hurts get filed differently in our brain. They get put in the “never again folder.” Your brain is designed to keep you safe. It’s not a matter of just telling yourself to get over it and move on. We have to restore safety and trust in the relationship and most likely, that will need to be done in therapy.
