Many people ask me if I can recommend a marriage book for them.
Without hesitation, the book I continually refer to is Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight.
Dr. Johnson is an international leader in the field of marriage and family therapy. Over the last 15 years, she has pioneered significant research into what creates secure, loving connection in adult love relationships–and into understanding how it goes wrong.
Hold Me Tight is different from other self-help books in that it is not just “good advice” or a gimmicky approach to understanding men and women. Rather, it is a book designed to help you understand yourself and your partner on a much deeper level.
Using vignettes from real couples, Dr. Johnson describes the negative patterns we all get stuck in. Many couples return to me and say, “She wrote our biography,” or “I can’t believe how similar we were to that one couple. Their fight was almost word for word what ours looks like.”
Hold Me Tight is not about fixing the content issues in your relationship. It is about much more than that. You will find that the content issues–finances, in-laws, parenting, sex, etc.–do not really matter as much as the patterns of your interactions! When you can stop the negative patterns, you have greater ability to manage the content issues successfully.
Once we understand why we blame, criticize, shut down, withdraw, or defend, then we can understand how to fix it.
It is best if both partners read the book. You can even do it with different color highlighters. Work through the exercises/conversations throughout the book. If you find yourselves getting stuck on a conversation, stick with it and try to get through that one before moving on to the next one. It’s absolutely worth the effort!
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I bought this book while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. We were experiencing the climax of emotional disconnection! I read it solo and it provided some peace in our relationship. We made it through the deployment and were committed to making our marriage work. 2 years later the book is open again but this time we’re discussing it together. We have not even finished the book and have already learned a lot and grown stronger in our commitment and love to one another. It has been a wonderful experience to discuss our emotional needs when they do not feel so threatened like they did during deployment. We have been able to discuss some of the “raw spots and rocky moments” that were developed during that year. I would encourage all to read this book, especially those whose marriage is going well. It can make the bond even stronger.
Broni, thanks for your review! Deployment can be so hard on a relationship. I admire your commitment to making your relationship strong and seeking information that can help you. Hold Me Tight is an excellent resource. I’m so glad it’s helping 🙂