Loss can be so difficult for children of all ages. They often don’t have the language to express their grief or may not have the understanding to process what has happened. Many children are afraid they will forget the person who has died or gone away.
Rituals and mementos are powerful healing agents. That is why we have funerals – as a ritual to mark the end and help provide closure. To a child, however, the funeral often doesn’t make much sense. Having a ritual where the child walks away with a tangible reminder of the experience and the loved one can help in the healing process.
Memory Bears
Have you ever been to Build-a-Bear Workshop? It is a little store, often found in malls, which allows children to go through different areas throughout the store to build a stuffed animal, one step at a time. The child can choose an animal “skin” of a bear, bunny, dog, cat, etc. They then fill it with stuffing, place a little heart inside of it, wash and bathe it, and dress it if desired. The child then registers it with a name and “birth” date prior to placing it in a cardboard “home” to take with them.
One of the hallmarks or signature pieces of this experience is the “heart ceremony” that is performed before the child places a little cloth heart inside the animal. The employee tells the child to hold the heart and:
- Rub it on your funny bone so he will always be funny
- Rub it on your hair so it will never have a bad fur day
- Rub it on your side so he will always be by your side
- Rub it on your ear so he will always hear your secrets, etc.
I have used a variation of this to create Memory Bears for children to have something tangible as they work through the grief process. If you are giving it as a gift where you would not be present for the building, you can purchase just the skin from the Build-a-Bear store and the child can then go in for the ceremony. They can even exchange the skin for a different one if they choose to, so don’t worry too much about trying to find the perfect one. It is helpful to give the store a heads up beforehand. The process can be quite emotional for everyone involved. It is also best to ask the store when their slowest hour of the day is, so there are fewer outside people around.
If you would like to walk the child through the heart ceremony, just let the employee know. Otherwise, just give the worker a list of the elements you would like included that best fit the child and situation. This would also work well with a child saying good-bye to someone for a period of time such as a parent going oversees with the military, or a grandparent leaving to serve a mission.
Memory Bear Heart Ceremony
- Rub the heart on your nose so you will always remember how he smelled.
- Rub the heart on your ear so you will always remember how he sounded/the things he said/the songs he would sing to you/the way he giggled.
- Rub it on your lips so you will always remember the way he smiled/the kisses he gave.
- Rub it on your forehead so you will never forget him.
- Rub it on your own heart so you will always remember his hugs
- Rub it on your cheeks so you will know it’s okay to cry and be sad when you miss him
- Close your eyes and rub it on your eyelids while you picture what it will be like when you see him again
- Now give the heart a big kiss and put it inside.
As they walk out of the store, they now have something to physically hold onto, hug, kiss, and cry on. Something that can help provide comfort through the confusing and lonely days ahead.
