The Three Levels of Grateful – Understanding how Gratitude Changes Lives

As Thanksgiving approaches, we will inevitably hear much about the importance of gratitude.  Our Facebook feeds will be filled with gratitude posts, Sunday school lessons throughout the month will focus on this topic, and as parents, we will try to help our children understand this principle before they begin asking for Christmas gifts.

Yet as we talk about gratitude, I often feel as though our discussions are incomplete, and I am mindful of those who are struggling to feel grateful when their lives are full of many hardships.

As I have grown in my understanding and application of gratitude, I have realized that gratitude really exists on three levels.

Let’s call the first level The Magic Words Level.

This is the level we begin teaching our young children and that we continue with throughout our lives.  It is the level of thank you cards and blessings on the food.  It is the kind smile and thanks to the grocery store clerk and the wave of the hand to the driver who let us merge into traffic.  The magic words level of gratitude is essential and fundamental to our understanding the next two levels.

Let’s call the second level the “Gratitude Attitude” Level.

This is when gratitude becomes more automatic and influences the way we see life.  It is no longer just an expression, but rather an attitude that shapes our behavior.  It changes how we see people and moves from expressions of gratitude that only convey appreciation, to awareness and acknowledgement of the other person’s worth.   It is a feeling of appreciation and awareness of the other person.   When we experience gratitude on this level, we are more apt to thank those that helps us because of their sacrifice.  It is usually at this level that we send teacher appreciation gifts into our children’s classes and thank those that help us.

This is a necessary and important level of gratitude, but it is not the highest form. The deepest level of gratitude is built on the foundation of magic words and gratitude attitudes. To that foundation, we add perhaps the deepest and most important POWER of gratitude.

It is at this third level of gratitude – what I like to call The Worthiness Level of Gratitude that we begin to see and accept other people’s acknowledgment of our own worth.  It is at this level that Gratitude becomes a personality characteristic – an actual part of who we are.

This first occurred to me one day when I was dropping my daughter off at practice.  As a competitive athlete, she works out between 15-20 hours a week.  Still several years shy of driving herself, I play chauffeur to and from practice every day.  She would always say thank-you when I dropped her off, but one day I noticed something had changed.  That particular day we were running late because her younger siblings were not cooperating before we left the house.  She really does not like being late and would usually get kind of anxious and cross about it.  This particular day, however, she did not.  When we got there, I opened the automatic van door and expected her to hurry in.  Instead, she hesitated for a minute and said, “Mom, thanks for taking me to practice every day … and for paying for it.  I know it is a sacrifice, and it is hard for you.  I also know that you do it because you love me.”

I was stunned.  Not because I was surprised to hear this child express appreciation – she really is a very grateful and appreciative child, but because I realized this level of gratitude was what I wanted for her all along.  I did not just want her to say thank you because I needed acknowledgment for what I did for her.  I wanted her to say thank-you because I wanted HER to realize we did it because she mattered to us.    

The gratitude I feel for the dandelion my preschooler proudly presents to me has nothing to do with the weed.  The gratitude I feel is for the privilege to be a mother, the innocence of childhood, and the sweet little boy who loves me.  Gratitude at that level is a moment of acknowledging who I am in that relationship and accepting my value in that role.

When I am grateful for the young man who holds the door open for me, I am acknowledging and accepting that he sees me as a person, not an object.  Recognizing I was approaching, he held the door out of respect for my worth.

It is at this level that we ask for help from others and in so doing, know that it does not diminish our worth.  When I graciously accept help from a friend, I accept that it is okay to ask for and even need help.  I am also accepting my worthiness to her – even in my imperfection.  My gratitude on that third level allows me to see who I am in that relationship and my value to her.

At this third level of gratitude, when I express appreciation to my husband for going to work, I am acknowledging him and seeing his worth, but perhaps more importantly, I am also acknowledging all that he sacrifices for our family because of our value to him.

When I am thankful to Heavenly Father for my trials, or the blessings I receive even amid the trials, I am changing the shameful patterns of thinking that the trials are related to his lack of love and concern, to trusting my worth to Him and His constant and ever mindful plan for me.  My choice to see His tender mercies are an acknowledgment of my value to Him. 

Gratitude on the deepest level is a reflection, acknowledgment, and acceptance of our worth – to God or other people.  When we choose gratitude, we accept ourselves as worthy and give ourselves permission to be loved.  When we experience this level of gratitude, we are, in essence, acknowledging someone else’s care or concern for us.  We are not merely acknowledging the deed done, but rather the motive and meaning behind it.

The admonition to “count your blessings” is not just a cliché.  There is a very real power in feeling loved, connected, and worthwhile when gratitude actually becomes a part of who we are.  When it is more than a fleeting thought or a two-week goal, and when we allow that power to help us see our own value.

This level of gratitude changes not only what we say and how we act, but also our very natures.

I encourage you to experience this season of gratitude from this third level.

Sincerely seek for the ability to see the love of other people in your life.  Refuse to play the role of the victim and carry the crushing weight of inadequacy.  Choose instead, to shift your perspective to one of deep gratitude–awareness and acceptance of your value to God and other people.  It is at this deepest level that gratitude can lift us from depression, restore relationships, and bring peace.