You may not naturally connect with the members of your spouse’s family. Still, it is essential to remember this: the number one priority with in-laws is to form a relationship with them that does not hurt your marriage.
There are several proactive things you can do create just that kind of relationship:
Set Boundaries
Think carefully about what kinds of situations could become potentially stressful or contentious, and begin to come up with boundaries and solutions ahead of time. For example, holidays shared with two sets of extended family can feel like being caught in a tug-of-war. Decide what is best for your immediate family (it is always easier if you and your partner are on the same page, so try to make those decisions together), and give your extended family and in-laws a heads up well in advance:
“We are thrilled to be live close by for the holidays! We will celebrate Christmas Day with our immediate family each year, but we would love to join you for Christmas Eve.”
Though speaking up and communicating what you need can feel strange, clearly defined boundaries make relationships easier because they solve many issues that cause conflict. Boundaries are like property lines – they allow you to determine what becomes part of your life and what doesn’t. By setting boundaries, you can welcome situations and people that are good for you while keeping out the harmful things. It helps to think of boundaries as more like picket fences than concrete walls. They are not intended to isolate you but to provide opportunities for the best possible connections.
“We are glad that you want to come and visit. Because of this month’s call schedule, having you come this weekend won’t work. The week after next would work great for us.”
You don’t need to be angry, defensive, or overwhelmed when you have clearly defined boundaries. You can calmly and kindly explain what works and what does not work for you.
Your extended families may have a hard time accepting boundaries at first. That’s okay. You still have a right to set them.
Act Like a Grown-Up
You are always responsible for your own actions. Always. Even if your in-laws are difficult or disrespectful, you don’t get an automatic pass to be unkind in return.
Commit never to gossip about your in-laws. Again, it doesn’t matter what they may have done. They are still your partner’s parents. They are a part of his or her history and life, and you owe your spouse the respect of refraining from that kind of hurtful conversation.
Recognize that, most likely, your in-laws will not understand your unique challenges. Don’t expect them to. They haven’t stood in your shoes. Keeping your expectations realistic will help you avoid undue resentment.
When it comes to hurt feelings or disagreements, you will have to weigh which issues you should address and which ones you should let roll off your back. Your in-laws may disagree with what you choose to feed your kids or how you discipline them. They may comment that your house isn’t up to par or make a snide remark about how you choose to spend your time and money. Before you allow them to destroy your self-esteem or your marriage, consider the source. Does it really matter if your mother-in-law thinks your child should eat differently? Really…does it matter?
And if it does–does it matter enough to make an issue out of it?
It might. That may be one of the issues for which you choose to draw the line and set a boundary. But it may also be one of the issues you let slide because there is a more important issue that requires a boundary instead. Use your energy to create the best possible outcome, and don’t waste time and worry on things that won’t matter in the long run.
Make an Effort
If you’re finding it difficult to get along with your in-laws, don’t try to create the perfect relationship immediately. Start by building on the existing foundation, and aim for small improvements. Whenever you have an opportunity to interact with them, take a moment to ask yourself, “What is one thing I can do right now to make a positive change?” You may be surprised at how much progress you can make over time by making a consistent effort.
People love talking about themselves. Take an interest in them, and seek to know them. One small way I have made an effort over the years is to send my mother-in-law flowers on my husband’s birthday. It’s not much, but it is one small way I have tried to communicate that I am grateful for her as the mother who loved and took care of my husband for so many years.
Encourage your spouse to have a relationship with his or her parents. Remind your partner to text, send pictures, or make a quick phone call on the way home. It will demonstrate to your partner that his or her family matters to you. Make an effort to show up yourself as well. If your children and spouse are on FaceTime with your in-laws, pop into the screen for at least a few minutes. When they are in town, try to be present.
Don’t Hit Below the Belt
It’s natural to feel a strong connection to the family we grew up with, even with their flaws. Criticism of our families can feel like a personal attack as if a part of ourselves is being targeted. It’s important to remember this when discussing issues with your partner about their family. They may feel defensive or protective of their family, so approach the conversation with sensitivity and understanding. Remember, when you are upset about your in-laws and take that to your partner, part of his or her identity is on the line. Be gentle and share your feelings in a way that helps your partner understand you without feeling that his or her identity has been attacked.
It’s natural to feel a strong connection to the family we grew up with, even with their flaws. Criticism of our families can feel like a personal attack, as if a part of ourselves is being targeted. It’s important to remember this when discussing issues with your partner about their family. They may feel defensive or protective of their family, so approach the conversation with sensitivity and understanding. Remember, when you are upset about your in-laws and take that to your partner, part of his or her identity is on the line. Be gentle and share your feelings in a way that helps your partner understand you without feeling that his or her identity has been attacked.
