When couples start exploring the option of therapy, they are often unaware of the different approaches therapists may use to help them. It’s important to understand that not all couples therapy is created equal. You are looking for deep and lasting change that will help you feel safe and secure in your relationship again. It is important to find an approach to therapy that will help you achieve that goal.
Transactional vs. Transformational Therapy
Transactional therapy focuses on changing behavior. The emphasis is on conceptually understanding the problem and then learning skills such as communication skills, negotiation skills, or problem-solving skills to hopefully change negative interactions. In therapy, this may look like the therapist teaching communication skills such as taking turns or using “I” statements when you talk to each other or learning how to “fight fair.” The problem with this approach is that it only has about a 35% success rate, and only 11-18% of couples maintain those gains over time. Basically, we know it doesn’t work. If couples could sufficiently heal with this approach, they could read a book and apply the principles, and there would be no need for a couples therapist.
Transformational therapy, however, is a more powerful and effective approach to relationship growth and healing. You can’t just treat the symptoms of psychological challenges or relationship distress – you need to explore and address the root causes if you want to see real change. By exploring and understanding underlying emotions and beliefs, as well as the impact of past relationships on current reactions, individuals and couples can create significant and lasting change. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is a transformational approach to couple distress.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is an evidence-based approach to treating couple distress. Some of the best research in the field of marriage and family therapy indicate that EFT is the most effective approach we have right now to help couples heal past hurts and feel emotionally safer and more connected. It is the gold standard for couples therapy. During EFT, the focus is on understanding and addressing the underlying emotional needs and vulnerabilities that contribute to relationship problems. EFT helps you move beyond the surface-level conflicts and issues, such as parenting, in-laws, sex, finances, and other common sources of contention. Instead, it focuses on exploring all the layers that fuel these conflicts.
What to Expect in Emotionally Focused Therapy
In EFT, the therapist will help you identify the underlying emotions, needs, and fears that drive a negative pattern of interacting. These negative patterns or cycles often look similar regardless of what you are fighting about. They are also easily triggered by seemingly mundane topics or situations. Typically, these cycles involve a pattern of escalating negative reactions, such as anger, blame, criticism, frustration, defensiveness or withdrawal.
By understanding the emotional triggers and reactions that keep you stuck in these negative cycles, EFT helps you understand your own emotional responses and those of your partner. This increased awareness can lead to a deeper understanding of the underlying attachment needs that may be at play.
Once you understand all of the levels of your negative cycle including the emotions and underlying unmet needs, your therapist will carefully guide you through emotionally bonding experiences. Through these experiences, you will learn new ways of asking for what you need from each other and responding in a way that builds emotional connection and security. You will practice recognizing and responding to each other’s emotions, creating a sense of safety and trust within the relationship.
These emotionally bonding experiences help you to establish new interaction patterns that replace the negative cycle. This transformation allows for increased intimacy, understanding, and emotional support in the relationship.
The ultimate goal of EFT is to help you create a secure attachment bond, where you both feel safe to express your needs, seek comfort and support, and experience a deep emotional connection with each other.
As you develop healthier and more secure attachment bonds, you will be able to approach difficult topics with greater compassion, empathy, and collaboration.
Format Options
Emotionally Focused Therapy is a structured approach to couples therapy. Therapists are following a clear map and looking for specific change events to indicate a couple is ready to move on to the next stage or complete the process. Traditional weekly or bi-weekly sessions can take anywhere from 6-12 months to complete. If you are interested in accelerating that process and condensing those sessions into a shorter period of time, intensive based emotionally focused therapy may be a better option.
