One afternoon, while my husband and I were snorkeling off a fairly remote beach in Kauai, I learned a frightening lesson about how quickly one can drift off course. As we swam through the crystal-clear water, we were captivated by the underwater world of colorful fish and vibrant coral reefs. With our heads and our minds immersed in these awe-inspiring sights and the tranquility of the ocean, we stopped paying attention to where we were physically in relation to the beach.
After about 45 minutes or snorkeling, I looked up and back to shore. I could barely see the beach!
As we realized the extent of our unintentional drift, we began to panic. We didn’t have life jackets and were already getting tired. We immediately began swimming against the current, but despite our effort we continued to drift further out to sea and away from safety. Our progress was agonizingly slow, and we were exhausted.
After what we figure was about another hour and a half, we made it to shore–exhausted and relieved.
I often hear couples describe the same thing happening in their relationship. Everything seems fine–or at least okay–until one day they look up and realize they have completely drifted apart and are unsure how to find their way back. So how do you avoid it?
Based on my experience, there are at least four ways couples can avoid drifting away from each other:
1. Be aware of the risk.
The possibility of drifting out to sea wasn’t even on our radar. We had no idea that could happen to us. I guess if we had really stopped to think about it, we should have known it, but we didn’t venture very far out to begin with. It didn’t seem like a risk at the time.
Recognize that drifting away from what matters most can happen to you too. It’s easy to get caught up in the currents of everyday life, the demands of work, the distractions of technology, and the busyness that engulfs you. You may find yourselves gradually drifting away from the things that bring you joy, fulfillment, and connection. It can happen so subtly that you don’t even notice until you are gasping for air, desperately trying to keep your head above water.
The analogy of treading water, struggling to stay afloat, is a powerful reminder of the urgency to prevent such drifting. It’s a call to be intentional and mindful about the choices you make and the priorities you set. Take stock of your life and ask yourselves if you are staying true to your values and the things that truly bring you happiness and fulfillment.
Just as we had to gather our strength, reorient ourselves, and swim against the current to find our way back to shore, you must also take proactive steps to realign your lives with what matters most. It requires conscious effort, self-reflection, and a willingness to make changes that prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your relationship.
Once you recognize the risk, you can more effectively put safeguards in place to protect yourselves. Try some of the following suggestions to limit your risk:
- Limit the time spent on electronics in the evenings.
- Go to bed at the same time.
- Make an effort to know one thing about your partner’s day before he or she leaves for work.
- Ask about your partner’s day and genuinely show interest and care about his or her work (even work as a homemaker or stay-at-home parent).
- Express your admiration and appreciation for your partner each day.
2. Check your bearings.
Had one of us looked back to shore sooner, we would not have been so far out to sea. Your relationship can get off course quickly. Make sure you are checking in with each other often. Compare where you are to where you want to be, and make minor course corrections along the way.
Course corrections take effort, but as Carol Dweck explains, “Effort is one of the things that gives meaning to life. Effort means you care about something, that something is important to you and you are willing to work for it. It would be an impoverished existence if you were not willing to value things and commit yourself to working toward them.”
One way to do this is to ask your partner how he or she feels about the relationship.
- “How do you feel we are doing in terms of spending time together?”
- “Do you feel supported by me? Is there anything else I can be doing right now to help you?”
- “How are we doing with time alone together? Let’s schedule our dates for the next few weeks so we don’t miss them this month.”
This isn’t just about you making sure your own needs are met by your partner, but also making sure you are meeting your partner’s needs.
3. Take a life jacket with you.
Life jackets are meant to keep you safe so you don’t have to rely on your own efforts to keep you afloat. We are so silly about wearing them though. They are bulky and cumbersome and not very stylish. That day off the Hawaiian coast, my husband and I both wished we had one though. The more tired we became, the more we wished we had resources to help keep us afloat. In fact, had we taken life jackets with us, the situation would not have felt nearly as terrifying or as desperate.
There are so many resources available to help your relationship. Use them! Read books, attend marriage workshops, participate in seminars and classes, and attend therapy. Those things are not only for people who have already drifted away and are trying to get back. Those resources prevent drifting too!
4. Determine what matters most.
It wouldn’t have mattered what fish Aaron and I had seen or what we had experienced that day if we had lost our lives in the process. Likewise, it doesn’t matter what else you gain if you lose each other along the way. Nothing else you achieve will compensate for losing your family.
No one gets to the end of their life and wishes they had spent more time at work, made more money, or became more famous. At the end of our lives, we are concerned about relationships, because in the end, that is all that matters.
When considering work-life balance, focus on presence rather than balance. When you are home with your family, be home with your family. f you are talking to your spouse, don’t respond to work texts. Turn off the TV and talk with each other during dinner. If you’re playing ball with your kids, don’t let your mind wander to your meeting in the morning.
No one gets married expecting to drift away. Yet so many couples do. As you are aware of the risk, take preventative measures to avoid drifting, and determine what matters most in your life, you can prevent distance and disconnection.
