I had a client once tell me that when he watched Star Trek as a child, he’d wish that he could be a Vulcan–that he too could be completely disconnected from emotion.
For him, it was just too difficult to experience the constant pain of his emotions. So, he made a deliberate choice to shut off his feelings entirely.
He was what Emotionally Focused Therapists call a withdrawer. When faced with emotionally threatening situations–criticism from a trusted friend, a fight with his wife–he would withdraw and shut down.
His wife was confused, hurt, and frightened by his response. To her, he seemed to be pulling away for good, abandoning their relationship–and her.
It was challenging for them to bridge this gap, but eventually, he was able to access and experience those emotions again–and even share them with his wife.
She could finally see that his withdrawing did not mean what she had thought it did for all those years. He was not withdrawing because he didn’t care about their relationship, but instead because he cared about it very deeply. When she got upset with him, it was so painful that he had no choice but to move into the default mode he had created as a child to keep himself safe.
Do you live with a Vulcan? Does your partner withdraw and shut down at the slightest hint of discontent?
When I saw the movie version of Star Trek, I was struck by just how perfect the comparison was between the experience of Vulcan Spock and that of a withdrawer. After watching this clip, take a minute to watch The Still Face to see how partners often respond to withdrawers.
You are awesome! I would love to have you as my counselor…sometime!
This is fascinating – we will share this with our volunteers! In our work as infidelity counselors, helping women heal from pain (whether their relationships end or mend), we always encounter the question “why did he do this?”. Your perspective enhances our research-based reply: people commit infidelity in response to, or escape from, their own unaddressed emotional issues. Thx.
Laura S
Executive Director
Infidelity Counseling Network
http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org
Hi Laura. I’m glad you found it helpful. It really changes our reactions and our level of hurt when we can understand why people withdraw, doesn’t it. Thanks for your comment.